*goes to watch youtube vid*
— Thynebear (@Thynebear) August 18, 2013
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME"
*stares into dark basement*
— broga pants (@BrogaPants) September 5, 2013
H-hello...? Is anybody d-down there?
.....
*a noise bellows up the staircase*
.....
"DJ KHALED"
****
https://twitter.com/bakedbrotatoes/status/513845624954179584
Parmesan Sir?
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) July 8, 2014
"Yes please"
Say when.
*Grates Parmesan*
Sir?
"..."
*Grates fingers*
SIR?
"..."
*Grates entire hand*
Please...I have a family.
****
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) May 19, 2014
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
"Grow up Karen"
"Simon says stand up"
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) September 13, 2013
"Simon says sit down"
"Simon says you're adopted son"
"WHAT?!"
"SIMON!"
"He has a right to know Brenda..."
****
Accidentally kill someone? Put the skull under a pillow. The tooth fairy will dispose of the evidence & give you $1,000.
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) September 25, 2014
[sarcastically] Well well well aren't you "Mr. Snappy Comeback" tonight?!
— greg (@GrowlyGrego) September 9, 2014
"Fuck off Dave...you gonna help me find my dog Mr Snappy or not?"
****
Life is a marathon. You hate it almost instantly. Then at the end, your body betrays you and you shit yourself in front of a bunch of people
— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) May 16, 2014
When I was a kid we didn't have digital music, so U2 had to personally come to your house, tie you up, and jam a cassette tape in your mouth
— Dr. Bucky Isotope, Astrologist, IQ 188 (@BuckyIsotope) September 17, 2014
****
[tv interview]
— brent (@murrman5) June 1, 2014
did you get upset?
"that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself"
don't do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you've never been married and you love spending time with him?
— greg (@GrowlyGrego) June 11, 2014
****
https://twitter.com/Kyle_Lippert/status/320209037515956224
"Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant"
— Knipples (@StevieKnip) June 30, 2014
Son, I'm not mad.. Just disappointed
"Hi disappointed, I'm dad"
Son, did you just-
"Yes"
You're ready.
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