Laugh Sunday Away

*goes to watch youtube vid* BUFFER well okay *lifts weights* *checks again* BUFFER *does steroids* BUFFER "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME"

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  (@Thynebear) August 18, 2013

*stares into dark basement* H-hello...? Is anybody d-down there? ..... *a noise bellows up the staircase* ..... "DJ KHALED"

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Broga Pants (@crunkdumpster) September 05, 2013

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-I'm pregnant -Did you say eggplant? -No, I'm PREGNANT -I'm sorry this isn't going to work out between us. I don't even like eggplant.

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brandon from school (@bakedbrotatoes) September 22, 2014

Parmesan Sir? "Yes please" Say when. *Grates Parmesan* Sir? "..." *Grates fingers* SIR? "..." *Grates entire hand* Please...I have a family.

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GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) July 08, 2014

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*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room* *I pretend to catch it* *I walk over to the window and toss it outside* "Grow up Karen"

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GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) May 19, 2014

"Simon says stand up" "Simon says sit down" "Simon says you're adopted son" "WHAT?!" "SIMON!" "He has a right to know Brenda..."

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GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) September 13, 2013

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Accidentally kill someone? Put the skull under a pillow. The tooth fairy will dispose of the evidence & give you $1,000.

—
Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) September 25, 2014

[sarcastically] Well well well aren't you "Mr. Snappy Comeback" tonight?! "Fuck off Dave...you gonna help me find my dog Mr Snappy or not?"

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Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) September 09, 2014

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Life is a marathon. You hate it almost instantly. Then at the end, your body betrays you and you shit yourself in front of a bunch of people

—
Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) May 16, 2014

When I was a kid we didn't have digital music, so U2 had to personally come to your house, tie you up, and jam a cassette tape in your mouth

—
būč|{¥ |$0+øp€ (@BuckyIsotope) September 17, 2014

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[tv interview] did you get upset? "that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself" don't do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

—
Brent (@murrman5) June 01, 2014

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you've never been married and you love spending time with him?

—
Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) June 11, 2014

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Give a man a fish & he'll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That's weird" Teach a man to fish & he'll be all "Again with the fish?"

—
Kyle Lippert (@Kyle_Lippert) April 05, 2013

"Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant" Son, I'm not mad.. Just disappointed "Hi disappointed, I'm dad" Son, did you just- "Yes" You're ready.

—
Stevie Nips (@StevieKnip) June 30, 2014

The President’s Day

President Barack Obama is presented a plaque by philanthropist Lois Pope and Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell, during the American Veterans Disabled for Life Memorial dedication ceremony in Washington. President Obama paid tribute to disabled U.S. veterans on Sunday, pointing to the dedication of a new memorial honoring those severely injured in war as a symbol of the nation’s perseverance and character.

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Text of the President’s remarks here

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"Each of you endured a moment that shaped the arc of your lives & that speaks to our debt as a nation" —Obama to disabled vets at the @AVDLM

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The White House (@WhiteHouse) October 05, 2014

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"In the United States of America, those who have fought for our freedom should never be shunned and should never be forgotten." —Obama

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The White House (@WhiteHouse) October 05, 2014

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Military veterans stand as they are recognized by President Barack Obama and are applauded during the dedication of the American Veterans Disabled for Life Memorial

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"Let us stand united as Americans and welcome our veterans home with the thanks and respect they deserve." —President Obama #HonoringVets

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The White House (@WhiteHouse) October 05, 2014

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"To every wounded warrior, to every disabled veteran—thank you." —President Obama at the @AVDLM #HonoringVets

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The White House (@WhiteHouse) October 05, 2014

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Veterans and invited guests listen to President Barack Obama speak

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"Let’s never rush into war—because it is America’s sons & daughters who bear the scars of war for the rest of their lives." —President Obama

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The White House (@WhiteHouse) October 05, 2014

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President Barack Obama shakes hands with actor, musician and military advocate and National Spokesman for the American Veterans Disabled for Life (AVDL) Foundation Gary Sinise

President Barack Obama stands with Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell and Vietnam war veteran and Disabled Veterans’ Life Memorial Foundation co-founder and President Arthur H. Wilson

Chat Away

140 Characters Of Truths And Laughs

Progress: The unemployment rate just fell to 5.9%, the lowest rate since July 2008. #ActOnJobs

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Barack Obama (@BarackObama) October 03, 2014

Great news: The U.S. economy added 248,000 jobs in September. ofa.bo/r16z #ActOnJobs

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Barack Obama (@BarackObama) October 03, 2014

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Retweet if you believe our economy should grow from the middle out, not the top down. #AmericaLeads http://t.co/XzR28YPIB0

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Barack Obama (@BarackObama) October 02, 2014

Today marks the first time the U.S. has ever recorded a four-year straight period of positive employment growth.

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Justin Wolfers (@JustinWolfers) October 03, 2014

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Nightmare 4 @GOP: U.S. Added 248,000 Jobs in September; Unemployment Falls to 5.9% nyti.ms/1tn3Crr #TNTweeters http://t.co/gcacw6Calk

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alicia lupercio (@alicia_lupercio) October 03, 2014

A jobs report so good it takes conservative economists 14 minutes to find some statistic you've never heard of before to focus on.

—
  (@LOLGOP) October 03, 2014

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On our jobs report live blog: The dollar up against every single emerging-market currency right now blogs.wsj.com/moneybeat/2014… via @nicole_hong

—
Erik Holm (@erikholmwsj) October 03, 2014

US jobless rate falls to six-year low in September: yhoo.it/1CIsoJs

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Yahoo News (@YahooNews) October 03, 2014

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it's always funny/sad when Twitter cons get angry/frustrated after US posts big job numbers. #patriots

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Eric Boehlert (@EricBoehlert) October 03, 2014

The unemployment rate is now 5.9%, the lowest since 2008 when Bush was president. WHY DO YOU HATE BUSINESS AND AMERICA OBAMA?!

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Travon Free (@Travon) October 03, 2014

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Boehner's statement on the jobs report doesn’t comment on the jobs report: twitpic.com/eccjcz

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Sahil Kapur (@sahilkapur) October 03, 2014

Good News! Gas prices drop to four-year low at average of $3.33/gallon nbcnews.to/1mZcgzi http://t.co/yqvVEnu8x7

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NBC News (@NBCNews) October 03, 2014

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The mid-term elections are only 31 days away. In order to vote you must be registered. rockthevote.com http://t.co/RrxtA0Bijn

—
Donna NoShock (@NoShock) October 03, 2014

Sweden to become first major European country to recognize state of Palestine: reut.rs/1pwuDHs http://t.co/zXSyo9IAru

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Reuters World (@ReutersWorld) October 03, 2014

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A girl weeps in terror as thousands of anti-occupy protesters surround Mong Kok camp. #OccupyCentral #HongKong http://t.co/VQuAUPSIrQ

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Wilfred Chan (@wilfredchan) October 03, 2014

Latest news from the Hong Kong protests nyti.ms/1tncHAw

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The New York Times (@nytimes) October 03, 2014

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Nurse: I'm part Ethiopian, part Cuban, part part Dominican, part Panamanian.. Mom: Goddamn girl, that's a whole lotta words for "Black".

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  (@HumanityCritic) July 12, 2014

Nigeria successfully contained Ebola and prevented an epidemic. Here's how. washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-h…

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Josh Barro (@jbarro) October 04, 2014

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1/Dear punditry: how about some interviews of Republicans asking them about whether they were wrong abt economic impact of the #ACA?

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Simon Rosenberg (@SimonWDC) October 03, 2014

2/Entire GOP narrative about econ growth, US economy has been once again discredited over past 12 months. Up there with Iraq in 2002.

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Simon Rosenberg (@SimonWDC) October 03, 2014

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3/Incredibly, GOP still running as Bush - another war in the ME, more budget/econ busting tax cuts/non existent spending cuts.

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Simon Rosenberg (@SimonWDC) October 03, 2014

4/Of course this GOP approach has not worked in the real world. They've been monstrously wrong abt fp, econ policy, dom policy for years.

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Simon Rosenberg (@SimonWDC) October 03, 2014

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5/POTUS is going to explain this to American people over next month, will make an impact. GOP has been a governing disaster for far too long

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Simon Rosenberg (@SimonWDC) October 03, 2014

6/GOP remains the party of more war, bigger deficits, less growth, more intolerance = national decline for US.

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Simon Rosenberg (@SimonWDC) October 03, 2014

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More good economic news this morning: WASHINGTON (AP) - US trade deficit narrows to $40.1 billion in August as exports climb to record level

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Ethan Klapper (@ethanklapper) October 03, 2014

Unemployment rate falls to six-year low in September: reut.rs/1rRbeWl #jobsreport http://t.co/mJzdPk2eIt

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Reuters Business (@ReutersBiz) October 03, 2014

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Labor force shrank slightly. But employment up, unemployment down. So on balance, unemployment rate fell for "good" reasons.

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Ben Casselman (@bencasselman) October 03, 2014

The number of people reporting they had a job in September rose by 232,000

—
Jamie Dupree (@jamiedupree) October 03, 2014

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New California Gun Law the First of Its Kind in the U.S. every.tw/1nSlyy1 http://t.co/HSJb4H2BlW

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  (@Everytown) October 02, 2014

Great movement in African american unemployment rate (like latinos) Fall from 11.4% to 11% even with another 200K joining the labor force

—
Michael Madowitz (@mikemadowitz) October 03, 2014

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saying dumb things VERY LOUDLY and on TV is the true mark of the savvy news.yahoo.com/savvy-utah-law…

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Simon Maloy (@SimonMaloy) October 03, 2014

Payrolls +248k. Unemployment down to 5.9%(!) July payrolls revised up +31k. August revised up +38k. HUGE REPORT.

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Justin Wolfers (@JustinWolfers) October 03, 2014

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back in my day we just had bola. we never had the fancy electronic version you teens have

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Brent (@murrman5) October 02, 2014

If you know the lyrics to Eminem’s ‘Lose Yourself,’ you are cool and cracking up immediately after reading this

*walks into all-you-can-eat spaghetti buffet* *sees Eminem wearing a sweater* *speed walks back out*

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būč|{¥ |$0+øp€ (@BuckyIsotope) September 29, 2014

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*robbers burst into bank* EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG *bank manager frowns* What's updog? WE'RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT'S UP WITH YOU

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būč|{¥ |$0+øp€ (@BuckyIsotope) September 29, 2014

[commercial for Facebook] *man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars* "Don't you wish there were a better way?"

—
Glenn (@justabloodygame) September 22, 2014

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I wish 'racially charged' just meant you could power your phone by touching it to a white person.

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Glenn (@justabloodygame) September 28, 2014

[me] goodnight moon [moon] new phone who dis

—
Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) October 01, 2014

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Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of "Didn't Make Me Any Cookies Weekly" again. "What good is she to anyone?" it says.

—
  (@vladchoc) September 03, 2012

911: What is your emergency? Me: I love you. 911: Hang up. Me: No you hang up. 911: Stop. Me: This is so us.

—
The Rolo (@TheRolo) September 25, 2014

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"911, what's your emerg-" "The women at work have synced their uteri and it's Hell" "Sir uteri is not plural for ute-" "TAMPI EVERYWHERE"

—
Eldge (@Sickayduh) January 03, 2014

"What's your name?" "I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo's riders-" *Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

—
Jakob Huber (@jakob_huber) May 02, 2014

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You guys have been the worst hostages I've ever used, hands down. *everyone lowers their hands* GODDAMN IT!!

—
Where_Wolf? (@Where__wolf) September 05, 2014

goodell: the NFL's image is tarnished how do we fix this peyton: better ingredients, better pizza, papa johns goodell: dammit peyton not now

—
eeethan (@eeethanford) September 15, 2014

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WHAT DO WE WANT? License and registration, please. WHEN DO WE WANT IT? Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

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patrick (@tastefactory) March 13, 2014

My dad smoked pot in college. 30 years later, he became... a Republican. Don't do drugs, kids.

—
Ann Coultergeist (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 26, 2013

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wife: know what today is? me: yep wife: on 2 together: 1, 2 wife: Happy Anniver.. me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL.. wife:..sary me: wife: me: ..Santa

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Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 25, 2014

The President at the American Veterans Disabled for Life Ceremony

12:0 AM EDT: The President will deliver remarks at the American Veterans Disabled for Life Memorial Dedication Ceremony in Washington, D.C.

Live streaming here (avdlm.org) and here (CBS)

Rise and Shine: The Week Ahead

On This Day: Cleveland, OH. October 5, 2012 (Photo by Scout Tufankjian)

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Today

12:0 AM EDT: The President will deliver remarks at the American Veterans Disabled for Life Memorial Dedication Ceremony in Washington, D.C.

The President is scheduled to speak at 12:0, the ceremony starts at 11:0

• • •

Monday

The President will meet with the lead financial regulators at the White House for a discussion on the economy and to receive an update on the implementation of Wall Street reform.

In the afternoon, he will meet with members of his national security team and senior staff to receive an update on the Ebola outbreak in West Africa and the administration’s response efforts.

In the evening, the President will attend a DNC roundtable in Washington, D.C.

• • •

Tuesday

The President will travel to New York City to attend DNC events.

Following these events, he will travel to Greenwich, Connecticut, to attend a DSCC event.

Further details on the President’s travel to New York and Connecticut will be available in the coming days.

The First Lady will attend an afternoon rally for Gov Pat Quinn at the University of Illinois

• • •

Wednesday

The President will travel to the Pentagon where he will meet with his combatant commanders and hold a meeting with his national security team to receive an update on the campaign to combat ISIL.

• • •

Thursday

The President will travel to Los Angeles to attend a DNC event. He will spend the night in LA.

• • •

Friday

The President will travel to San Francisco to attend a DNC event, and will spend the night there.

• • •

Saturday

While in San Francisco, the President will attend a DNC roundtable.

Following these events, he will return to Washington, D.C., in the afternoon.

• • •

On This Day

President Obama shares a humorous moment with a group of doctors from around the country in the Oval Office, Oct. 5, 2009, prior to a health insurance reform event at the White House (Photo by Pete Souza)

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President Obama waits in the Green Room before being introduced at the White House Summit on Community Colleges, Oct. 5, 2010 (Photo by Pete Souza)

President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama greet ambassadors and guests during a Diplomatic Corps Reception receiving line in the Blue Room of the White House, Oct. 5, 2010 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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First Lady Michelle Obama greets USO honorees and their families in the Vermeil Room of the White House, Oct. 5, 2011 (Photo by Samantha Appleton)

First Lady Michelle Obama and White House chefs join children from Bancroft and Tubman Elementary Schools to harvest vegetables during the third annual White House Kitchen Garden fall harvest on the South Lawn, Oct. 5, 2011 (Photo by Chuck Kennedy)

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Cleveland, OH. October 5, 2012 (Photo by Scout Tufankjian)

Fairfax, VA, October 5, 2012 (Photo by Scout Tufankjian)

President Obama has his picture taken with a patron at the West Side Market in Cleveland, Ohio, Oct. 5, 2012 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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MoooOOOooorning again!

Early Bird Chat

On This Day: President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama wait in the Green Room before hosting a Diplomatic Corps Reception in the East Room of the White House, Oct. 5, 2010 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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MoooOOOooorning – Happy Sunday!