Goodbye Monday. Here Comes The Laughter

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus] excuse me, can you slide over so I ca- "NO, there's no room"

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Brent (@murrman5) September 18, 2014

[god recites commandments to Moses] Ok read it back. Uh be nice- [god snatches tablet] Wtf's this? [Moses proudly] penguin driving a tractor

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David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 16, 2014

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How come when Fonzie punches a jukebox women are all like, "oh he's so cool" but when I do it I'm an "alcoholic with rage issues"

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Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) September 16, 2014

[Waldo slowly rises behind person searching for him in Where's Waldo book] SURPRISE MOTHA FUCKA! [SNAPS HIS NECK]

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Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) September 15, 2014

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[on trial for murder] Ma'am, what do you have to say for yourself? He kept saying supposebly. You're free to go.

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pin up teacher (@pinupteacher) September 13, 2014

can't afford tickets to the big nascar event? go stand on the highway and drink 28 beers it's literally the same thing.

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chuuch (@ch000ch) September 11, 2014

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Hi, I'm Jeff. Ha, I'm also named Jeff! HAHa cool- *sweeps him into chokehold* You're Frank now! What? I SAID YOU'RE FRANK NOW!

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Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) September 10, 2014

[police interrogation] "What do you do for a living?" "Drug dealer." "Louder, for the tape." [leans in] "Bug healer. I heal bugs."

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David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 31, 2014

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It's so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

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k e e t (@KeetPotato) March 28, 2013

What's wrong Billy? -Suzy's pregnant 😢 Did you not use protection? -I did! I put the condom on a banana just like you showed us in class!

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Birthday Cow (Moo) (@Brampersandon_) August 19, 2014

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Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they- *coroner covers the body with a sheet* Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

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karatepus (@sploosk) August 26, 2014

*sex scene comes on movie while im sat with my family* *dad stands up and points at tv* "THAT. I'VE DONE THAT. I DID THAT TO YOUR MOTHER."

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Hitmonjake (@jake_likes_naps) July 28, 2014

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If you love something set it free, I say, as I release my toddler into the forest

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Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) September 01, 2014

Power Rangers taught me that the way to solve a problem is to pose in front of it aggressively until it explodes

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Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) July 01, 2013

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Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba

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Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) August 05, 2014

When life gives you lemons, you should peel one in front of the other lemons. You know... to send a message.

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Juanderer (@SuperJuanderer) September 08, 2014

A Tweet Or Two

President convening #ebola meeting 3pm ET, press office says

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West Wing Reports (@WestWingReport) October 13, 2014

DEMS: In the face of Republican obstruction & insult, we fight back. We PRESS ON. We VOTE. iwillvote.com http://t.co/UFyXRBG7um

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meta (@metaquest) October 13, 2014

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Fantastic way to challenge sexism. Bravo, McKenna!

My 12yr old basketball loving daughter got the latest @DICKS catalog & had a big problem with it. She wrote a letter. http://t.co/MH46ktNOaw

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ChrisPetersonTCS (@TheCheapSeatsTV) October 09, 2014

McKenna & I spoke to @DICKS today. They thanked her for the letter & said her words have led them to reevaluate the their next catalog.

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ChrisPetersonTCS (@TheCheapSeatsTV) October 10, 2014

.@TheCheapSeatsTV An apology to McKenna from our CEO http://t.co/pzBQEh7ozZ

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Dick'sSportingGoods (@DICKS) October 11, 2014

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DID YOU KNOW? Obama has created 10.3M jobs in 55 months, reduced unemployment faster than Reagan. As for the deficit: http://t.co/PprnAsqEtp

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The Daily Edge (@TheDailyEdge) October 12, 2014

Paul Krugman: Obama a More 'Consequential' President Than Clinton abcn.ws/1tScrtn

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This Week (@ThisWeekABC) October 12, 2014

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Read this conservative US judge's devastating take on why voter ID laws are evil fw.to/Cl0skmX

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Michael Hiltzik (@hiltzikm) October 13, 2014

Vatican: Gay people “have gifts and qualities to offer to the Christian community" on.msnbc.com/1w22koE (Reuters) http://t.co/QJcx9SAije

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  (@msnbc) October 13, 2014

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@SenJohnMcCain screeching on TV for Pres. Obama to appoint an "Ebola Czar" while blocking confirmation of a Surgeon-General This is the GOP

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Nerdy Wonka (@NerdyWonka) October 12, 2014

John McCain, 2009: "Obama has more czars than the Romanovs." McCain, 2014: We need an Ebola czar! slnm.us/zgYKRLj

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Salon.com (@Salon) October 13, 2014

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Fox News: Experts agree Ebola is entering the U.S. via Muslim terror babies and Obama spent vaccine research money playing golf with Jay-Z.

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Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) October 13, 2014

If you're calling for "Ebola czar" and have not voted to confirm surgeon-general nominee you are an utter waste of a carbon-based life form.

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Lex Alexander (@LexAlexander) October 12, 2014

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C’mon, nat’l political reporters, someone has to do a piece on Bloomberg spending over $1m to help NRA-endorsed Rick Snyder

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Dana Houle (@DanaHoule) October 12, 2014

The best way to defeat all those Koch Millions? Millions of grassroots votes. #Democrats2014 dems.me/YYsZIx http://t.co/3CdaL6kp24

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DCCC (@dccc) October 12, 2014

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STAND UP: We can pass Immig Reform & reunite families if we #VoteDEM2014 iwillvote.com #latism #TNTweeters http://t.co/etR70mQYF7

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meta (@metaquest) October 13, 2014

At 8th event in Iowa this weekend, @GovernorOMalley talks up progressive champion @DaveLoebsack. #2014 http://t.co/ssR0HuRPzD

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Lis Smith (@Lis_Smith) October 12, 2014

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U.S. Secretary of State @JohnKerry announced $212 million to help rebuild the Gaza strip #NewsHourLive http://t.co/nVUsRA42Sy

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  (@NewsHour) October 12, 2014

If You Vote Republican… . and you are not a fetus…. http://t.co/HZ3PYE0MQz

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Jeffree Lee Trouble (@LiberalLegion) October 12, 2014

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Copwatch gave us all bodycams to film the police #FergusonOctober http://t.co/kJ05xn31Iq

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French Havana (@FrenchieGlobal) October 11, 2014

One of the best signs at #FergusonOctober http://t.co/Hnxh9jaJKU

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Legal Defense Fund (@NAACP_LDF) October 11, 2014

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Final count 3k Today: One of the largest in #STL history. Demanding Justice for All #FergusonOctober http://t.co/0GTTFHjKRD

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Ferguson October (@fergusonoctober) October 11, 2014

Man, after 13yrs in prison, wins $13.2M against 2 police officers for falsifying evidence triblive.com/usworld/nation… http://t.co/bo6SYpc9il

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Candace Brown (@CandaceTX) October 11, 2014

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If someone arrived in the U.S. today, claimed it as their discovery & started killing the natives, everyone would get all upset. Go figure.

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William K. Wolfrum (@Wolfrum) October 13, 2014

So, The Walking Dead AND Ebola are both trending? That'll do, Twitter. That'll do.

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Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 12, 2014

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#FergusonOctober marches have begun. Thousands marching, singing "We Shall Not be moved" http://t.co/jJdvB232ml

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jelani cobb (@jelani9) October 13, 2014

How trickle down economics really works. #ows #nhpolitics #wiunion #union #UniteBlue http://t.co/VjllktQ92m

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NH Labor News (@NHLABOR_NEWS) October 07, 2014

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*stops writing book* Is the color spelled grey or gray? Fuck it *continues writing* "The sky was light black, it had been raining all day"

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brandon from school (@bakedbrotatoes) October 12, 2014

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

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Rob Fee (@robfee) September 22, 2014

Genocide, Cultural Appropriation, Thievery, Marginalization – aka Columbus Day

Columbus Day or as I like to call it Colonial Appropriation Day #HappyColumbusDay

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Robert Gillespie (@nffc65) October 13, 2014

Christopher Columbus - the first person to invoke Stand Your Ground on American soil. #HappyColumbusDay

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Propane Jane (@docrocktex26) October 13, 2014

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"The only Christopher we acknowledge is Wallace ..." #HappyColumbusDay http://t.co/UCO2Izuvqx

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IG:NewDJGreenLantern (@DJGREENLANTERN) October 13, 2014

Enjoying a day off to rest and relax thanks to another "American lie" #happycolumbusday

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Candace L. Bowe (@_CLBowe) October 13, 2014

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Christopher Columbus = Jack the Ripper with ships. #HappyColumbusDay

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  (@JRehling) October 13, 2014

Accidentally walked to the wrong class but played it off like I was supposed to be there the entire time #happycolumbusday

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Collin Nolen (@CNOtheCEO) October 13, 2014

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#HappyColumbusDay - the day that led to America's original sin, the brutal genocide and marginalization of our indigenous people.

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Christopher Harris (@cdewayneharris) October 13, 2014

#HappyColumbusDay but try not to get lost, have one of your ships abandon you, enslave tons of people & then kill them.

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John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) October 13, 2014

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When you steal something and keep it so long, it now belongs to you. #HappyColumbusDay

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Bobby J. (@BobbyJComedy) October 13, 2014

#HappyColumbusDay Celebrate the holiday by breaking into a family's house and claiming their property as your own.

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Marisol (@lunarseawitch) October 13, 2014

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I realize that this may offend some people... but it's straight facts. #KeepItReal #HappyColumbusDay http://t.co/FARIIAq3OH

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IG: KeepItRealMusic (@KeepItRealMusic) October 13, 2014

On this day we honor and observe imperialism, breaking and entering, thievery, deception, and of course, mass genocide. #HappyColumbusDay

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Socrates Santiago (@Dloui_33) October 13, 2014

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I'm going to the store to buy some spices--but I'll end up at a different store and enslave everyone there #HappyColumbusDay

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Patriotic Sass (@Sassy_BlondeUSA) October 13, 2014

I'd really like history textbooks to put more emphasis on the forced slavery rather than "sailing the ocean blue." #HappyColumbusDay

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Scarebastian Niles (@CitizenNiles) October 13, 2014

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#ColumbusDay, Sholumbus Day. http://t.co/aLXBylVEkc

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Scary Blah Lady (@AngryBlackLady) October 13, 2014

#HappyColumbusDay time to rape, pillage and destroy someone else's land all in the name of progress and male ideals!!!

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ADAM (@KRASHgetsCASH) October 13, 2014

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So if I brutally and intentionally massacre a whole race of people will I get a holiday named after me too? #HappyColumbusDay

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Christian Cooke (@uberweiner) October 13, 2014

Today is Columbus Day. Celebrate it by walking into someone else’s house and telling them you live there now. #HappyColumbusDay

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The Terrible Miss E (@TheMissE) October 13, 2014

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Spending Columbus Day worried about foreigners with diseases a cruel irony.

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  (@pourmecoffee) October 13, 2014

Today, I'm going to walk to the nearest Chipotle and take everyone's food, and then claim I founded Chipotle #HappyColumbusDay

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Chase (@chaseditz) October 13, 2014

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Happy Columbus Day ❤️ #IndigenousPeoplesDay http://t.co/G88fPUez5O

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Eche Madubuike (@EcheMadubuike) October 13, 2014

Chat Away

@EricWolfson

Rise and Shine

On This Day: President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama wait to welcome South Korean President Lee Myung-bak and Lee’s wife Kim Yoon-ok on the North Portico of the White House, October 13, 2011

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Today

The President has no public events scheduled

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The Week Ahead

Tuesday: The President will attend a DCCC event in the Washington, D.C., area.

Wednesday: The President will travel to Union, New Jersey, to attend a Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee event.

In the evening, he will travel to Bridgeport, Connecticut, for a campaign rally with Connecticut Democrats, featuring Governor Dan Malloy.

Thursday: The President will travel to Rhode Island to deliver remarks on the economy.

Afterward, he will travel to Long Island, New York, to attend a DNC event.

Friday: The President will attend meetings at the White House.

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On This Day

Singer Thalía dances with President Barack Obama during the “In Performance at the White House: Fiesta Latina” concert, celebrating Hispanic musical heritage, on the South Lawn of the White House, Oct. 13, 2009 (Photo by Samantha Appleton)

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Pete Souza: “After a day filled with meetings, the President headed to the White House Basketball Court to shoot a few baskets with his personal aide Reggie Love. Before heading back to the Oval, he flipped the ball towards the rim just where the afternoon light was falling.” Oct. 13, 2010

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First Lady Michelle Obama and South Korean first lady Kim Yoon-ok attend an arrival ceremony for South Korean President Lee Myung-bak on the South Lawn of the White House, October 13, 2011

President Obama and President Lee Myung-bak of the Republic of Korea participate in the State Arrival Ceremony on the South Lawn of the White House, Oct. 13, 2011 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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MoooOOOooorning!

Early Bird Chat

Pete Souza: “Much to Sasha’s chagrin, the President starts dancing to the music at the Fiesta Latina event on the South Lawn of the White House.” Oct. 13, 2009

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MoooOOOooorning – Happy Monday!