Me: Excuse me sir, what's your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
—
Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) June 14, 2014[sex ed class]
Abstinence is the only 100% effective form of birth control.
*Virgin Mary raises her hand*
—
brandon from school (@bakedbrotatoes) August 24, 2014****
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: "We're about to start rolling. Look alive people!"
*actors look around confused as heck*
—
Birthday Cow (Moo) (@Brampersandon_) August 20, 2014"dad mom wont tell me where babies come from"
*dad slams newspaper down*
DAMN THAT WOMAN & HER SECRETS
*clenches fists*
WHY WONT SHE TELL US
—
EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) January 14, 2014****
"Why'd you name me Carson, dad?"
You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It's time for tablemeal.
—
George (@George_404) April 05, 2014Im here to kick ass and give names
"Don't you mean-"
*punches him*
Shut up Keith. You're Keith now.
—
Platypus King (@DillDoes) June 19, 2014****
Welcome to stealing 101, please take a seat
*everyone sits*
*one guy runs off with a chair*
Learn from him
—
Platypus King (@DillDoes) May 27, 2014why is it always license & registration why can't the officer ask me how my day has been
—
EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) August 13, 2014****
Why don't you make like a tree and use photosynthesis to turn sunlight into energy, then use that energy to fuck off
—
Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) May 08, 2014*Kool-Aid Man bursts through the wall of his family home*
"OH YEAAAH- OH NOOOOOOOOOO"
*his wife is in straddling a Capri Sun in their bed*
—
Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) July 08, 2014****
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Unless you're already dead then play something else like ghost chess.
—
David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 16, 2013*jumps on table and fires gun in the air*
"Everybody down!"
*everyone drops*
"I didn't say..."
*loads another mag*
"Simon says"
—
Stevie Nips (@StevieKnip) April 22, 2014****
*disciples at the last supper*
*jesus stands up*
let's play "never have i ever" never have i ever betrayed the Son of God
*stares at judas*
—
EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) November 08, 2013My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn't act the way he wanted.
—
(@noog) May 31, 2012****
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
"Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
—
David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 01, 2014*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
"Is this for here or to go?"
Uh. To go
"Do you want guac?"
Sure
"It's extra"
—
Spookerdeadle (@OneTrickTofani) September 06, 2014
The Obama Diary 
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