Only children count sheep to fall asleep. Count your debts, your mistakes, your heartache and cry yourself to sleep like a grownup.
—
Carly Danger (@carlyken) October 09, 2014
Reasons I didn't answer your text:
1. I was kidnapped.
2. I was fighting a bear.
3. I was fighting a wizard.
4. Twitter.
5. I hate you.
—
Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) October 13, 2014
****
When your grandma knits you a lame ass sweater but you still manage to look fly af http://t.co/YQZlzabUZg
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Broga Pants (@crunkdumpster) October 10, 2014
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like "please untie me" and "just tell me who you are".
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Raspooky Jam (@Jenny4ashley) October 08, 2014
****
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
—
Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) June 01, 2014
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
—
Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) July 29, 2013
****
"What do your tattoos mean?"
Well, this one means "I had $120 when I was 16" & this one means "my parents didn't give me enough attention"
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Social Extortion (@SocialExtortion) September 04, 2014
Walks up to da club like, "where's the best place for me to tether my kids?"
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Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) September 03, 2014
****
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You're dead now but the argument is over.
—
sara (@SomthinBoutSara) February 18, 2014
I wish I had seen the look on my son's face when he opened his lunchbox and found a note that read "there's no such thing as a free lunch."
—
Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) September 04, 2014
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