You've been robbed by *360 spin*
A smooooth crimi- *trips over own feet, drops tv, & butt dials police*
—
Nicholas Picholas (@Fazio_N) January 19, 2014
Being a twin would be cool. You would never have to wonder "am I an attractive person?" You could just look at your twin and be like "nope."
—
Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) September 01, 2014
****
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
—
Viktor Winetrout, Jr (@Cpin42) April 01, 2013
[5 year old in back seat]
mom: the story of when you were born? well a stork came-
dad: (interjects) WE HAD SEX! Your mother and I had sex
—
Marin Hubka (@marinhubka) September 06, 2014
****
If you have a moment, I'd like to tell you about *stubs toe* JESUS CHRIST
—
Nicholas Picholas (@Fazio_N) January 19, 2014
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
"I think you mean "WHOM should we eat first"
—
General Grievance (@BigFatNothing) July 19, 2014
****
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
And they're like "we're the homeowners association please stop doing this"
—
Marin Hubka (@marinhubka) August 09, 2014
I apologize for saying "totes", I was trying to be cool. Let me rephrase that. Your kid just got hella abducted.
—
star-bellied creech (@creechnasty) August 08, 2014
****
Good Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR.
Outkast Cop: AND WAVE THEM LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE.
—
Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) September 27, 2014
"Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" "One second. Siri, do you know why this dick pulled me over?"
—
Wade (@TheWadest) March 31, 2013
****
"You've reached 911"
Knock knock
"Sir ple-"
Knock knock
"This is not-"
Knock knock
"ok, who's there?"
Ben
"Ben who"
Ben shot real bad
"NICE"
—
dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 24, 2014
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She's now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don't negotiate with terrorists.
—
Tim (@Playing_Dad) January 10, 2013
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