You know who else shops at Walmart?
Satan.
—
Floyd (@dafloydsta) October 16, 2014
"We don't touch other people's butts."
-A lie I just told my 2 year old
—
Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) July 05, 2013
****
[Wendy's]
Cashier: You're here AGAIN?
Me: I'm a health nut.
Cashier: Huh?
Me: I try to have three square meals-
Cashier: Just don't.
—
Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) October 16, 2014
My therapist told me "time heals all wounds",
So I stabbed him. Now we wait...
—
Princess Buttercup (@GoldenSpirals) May 23, 2014
****
40% of all adopted children can find their birth parents by watching reruns of Cops.
—
Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) August 26, 2014
[hell]
ME: water down here must be pretty holy since you boil the HELL out of it
DEVIL: get a load of this guy lol
—
EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) September 10, 2014
****
Imagine how many divorces IKEA is responsible for.
—
Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) August 22, 2014
Nothing puts a smile on my face quite like when someone replies to me with "your a idiot".
—
Rock (@TheMichaelRock) August 20, 2014
****
*in the middle of sex
"Go deeper"
Okay
*pulls out*
*sits in a chair and sips coffee*
*opens poetry book*
Two roads diverged in a wood and I-
—
Cocaine Cola (@SatansTongue) February 05, 2014
A man wearing a Spider-Man t-shirt just told me grow up.
—
Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) August 18, 2014
****
Dad, today our teacher told us you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. It's that true?
No Son, you're adopted.
—
Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) October 08, 2014
5 Reasons why we can't finish anything without women:
1. We forget stuff
2. We drink too much
3. We're lazy
4.
5.
—
Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) August 21, 2014
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