End Thursday With Laughter

You know who else shops at Walmart?

Satan.

— Floyd (@dafloydsta) October 16, 2014

https://twitter.com/Vodkantots/status/353265796769787904

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[Wendy's]

Cashier: You're here AGAIN?
Me: I'm a health nut.
Cashier: Huh?
Me: I try to have three square meals-
Cashier: Just don't.

— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) October 16, 2014

My therapist told me "time heals all wounds",

So I stabbed him. Now we wait...

— Princess Buttercup (@GoldenSpirals) May 23, 2014

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40% of all adopted children can find their birth parents by watching reruns of Cops.

— Eeric (@ericsshadow) August 26, 2014

https://twitter.com/EJGomez/status/509565661765709825

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Imagine how many divorces IKEA is responsible for.

— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) August 22, 2014

Nothing puts a smile on my face quite like when someone replies to me with "your a idiot".

— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) August 20, 2014

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https://twitter.com/SatansTongue/status/430894594386300928

A man wearing a Spider-Man t-shirt just told me grow up.

— Eeric (@ericsshadow) August 18, 2014

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Dad, today our teacher told us you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. It's that true?

No Son, you're adopted.

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) October 8, 2014

5 Reasons why we can't finish anything without women:

1. We forget stuff
2. We drink too much
3. We're lazy
4.
5.

— Eeric (@ericsshadow) August 21, 2014

A Tweet Or Two

Don't trust anyone who advocates powerlessness. BE A VOTER. #VoteDEM2014 http://t.co/OPdrfCRe62 #TNTweeters #latism pic.twitter.com/7YBI33qNot

— meta (@metaquest) October 22, 2014

Over 60M votes in both election landslide victories. Yeah PBO isn't "popular"

— Matt Murphy (@MattMurph24) October 23, 2014

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GOP 2012: "Obama would not have won w/out blacks, Hispanics, gays, Catholics or Jews."

Democrats: "Or as we like to call them, Americans"

— Subscribe to Unprecedented on Ghost - no paywall! (@TheDailyEdge) October 22, 2014

You can #VoteEarly4Dems in most of these states. Get busy and GOTV #VoteBlue2014 pic.twitter.com/uTkIMuXpUZ

— Donna NoShock (@NoShock) October 22, 2014

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Fake ‘progressive’ group pits blacks against immigrants in nasty TV ad http://t.co/h1ub7jh2lx pic.twitter.com/Td4s51966l

— ThinkProgress (@thinkprogress) October 23, 2014

Please go exercise your right to vote. Vote early & then get friends/family to the polls. pic.twitter.com/0E7BjU9uUY

— Donna NoShock (@NoShock) October 23, 2014

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Please go exercise your right to vote. Vote early & then get friends/family to the polls. pic.twitter.com/0E7BjU9uUY

— Donna NoShock (@NoShock) October 23, 2014

Kochs claim to be pro-gay marriage. Why do they keep funding groups that aren't? http://t.co/idLvXAoA1o

— Paul Blumenthal (@PaulBlu) October 23, 2014

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We keep talking about "election day." Seven states have been voting since September http://t.co/xBx4V1SAvO pic.twitter.com/1kDDKSLznR

— Chris Amico (@eyeseast) October 23, 2014

Our new @ppppolls #MISen poll finds Gary Peters with his biggest lead yet, leading Terri Lynn Land 53% to 39%: http://t.co/o6DydC7dQV

— Jeff Gohringer 🏳️‍🌈 (@jgohringer) October 23, 2014

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“Issues are absolute kryptonite to her campaign”: @ed_kilgore explains why Joni Ernst has gone into hiding: http://t.co/oRHisCzKwE

— Jamison Foser (@jamisonfoser) October 23, 2014

Republicans should want a border fence with Canada to keep the universal health care, zero abortion restrictions and same-sex marriage out.

— L O L G O P (@LOLGOP) October 23, 2014

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Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen is donating $100 million to fight #Ebola http://t.co/ERVSjWBGUz pic.twitter.com/B3ESsMEgLL

— The Verge (@verge) October 23, 2014

https://twitter.com/ChrisWarcraft/status/525295154203090948

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Republicans love pointing out Obama's approval rating -- can't name one national Republican who is more popular.

— L O L G O P (@LOLGOP) October 23, 2014

Chris Christie just laid bare the GOP's objective behind their suppressive voter laws. @brianbeutler breaks it down: http://t.co/mDH4ZiK2af

— Jamil Smith جميل كريم (@JamilSmith) October 23, 2014

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1) Joni Ernst says Barack Obama is a “dictator.”

2) Joni Ernst says she carries gun in case government infringes on her rights.

3) Um…

— Jamison Foser (@jamisonfoser) October 23, 2014

If you're worried about gun-toting anti-government extremists, please don't elect them #IAsen http://t.co/9ht2bSxVgm pic.twitter.com/DwrsWg645I

— Subscribe to Unprecedented on Ghost - no paywall! (@TheDailyEdge) October 23, 2014

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.@ShaunKing The narrative:
■White people on pot =
Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.

■Black people on pot =
HULK SMASH!!

— CandaceTX⁷🐨🌻 (@CandaceTX) October 23, 2014

Judge tosses lawsuit against IRS by conservative groups http://t.co/ufMQureCKd

— HuffPost Politics (@HuffPostPol) October 23, 2014

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Good morning, Florida! http://t.co/p1Ef5gyS73 pic.twitter.com/5s1IfQI2Ik

— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) October 23, 2014

You don't need to report on every patient being tested for Ebola, national media. We will be ready to panic irrationally if it's positive.

— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) October 23, 2014

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[on walkie-talkies i got for my GFs birthday]
are we going for dinner? over
"we are over, over"
you just say over once, over

hello? over

— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) October 22, 2014

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me

— jonny sun (@jonnysun) October 21, 2014

First Lady Campaigns For Sen Mark Udall

Live Now: The First Lady appears at a rally for Sen. Mark Udall in Denver

Chat Away

Rise and Shine

Pete Souza: “The afternoon sun beams down on the President during a campaign rally in Delray, Fla.” Oct. 23, 2012

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Today (all times EDT)

12:45: White House Press Briefing

1:45: The President meets with members of the President’s Council of Advisors on Science and Technology, Roosevelt Room

4:45: Attends a DNC fundraiser, private residence, Washington DC

* The First Lady attends rallies for Sen. Mark Udall in Denver and Ft Collins

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On This Day

Sen. Barack Obama walks off his campaign plane October 23, 2008 in Honolulu, Hawaii. The Senator cancelled two days of campaigning to return to Honolulu to visit his ailing grandmother.

President Obama waits backstage before delivering remarks at a reception for Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick at the Westin Copley Place hotel in Boston, Mass., Oct. 23, 2009 (Photo by Pete Souza)

First Lady Michelle Obama and Queen Silvia of Sweden meet in the Yellow Oval Room of the White House, Oct. 23, 2009 (Photo by Samantha Appleton)

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Pete Souza: “Light matters: A shaft of light falls on the face of Susan Rice as she and Lisa Monaco met with the President before his phone call with Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany to discuss the latest NSA leak from Edward Snowden.” Oct. 23, 2013

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MoooOOOooorning!

Early Bird Chat

On This Day: President Obama holds a baby as he greets people during a campaign rally at the Delray Beach Tennis Center on October 23, 2012 in Florida

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MoooOOOooorning – Happy Thursday!