Don't freak out just because you're going to be alone on Valentine's Day. You're alone every other day too. You should be used to it by now.
—
Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) February 14, 2015Big Shout out to Mike from Ireland who just thanked me because he thought he'd run out of beers but then found 3 Carlings behind the eggs
—
Jesus H Christ (@Jesusontwittorr) January 31, 2015****
Just answering prayers:
No
No
OK
No That's racist
No
Yeah ok
Nah you'll lose 2-0
Yes
Diet
No he will never love you
Ok
3 12 36 38 44 49
—
Jesus H Christ (@Jesusontwittorr) February 11, 2015My favorite part of the bible was that part where I'm alone and talking to God (myself) and someone who wasn't there was writing about it
—
Jesus H Christ (@Jesusontwittorr) January 20, 2015****
When you're about to win the Hogwarts House Cup but then Dumbledore gives Gryffindor a bunch of last-minute points. http://t.co/uobYjn1x01
—
Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) February 02, 2015When you grab the Triwizard Cup and think you won but it was a portkey and now you're in a graveyard with Voldemort. http://t.co/4oJ270Fo4c
—
Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) February 09, 2015****
AMERICA: Hey, what's up?
[55 Years Later]
HARPER LEE: Not much, you?
—
Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) February 03, 2015"It's a banana in my pocket"
"May I remind the defendant that he's under oath?"
*averts eyes*
"I'm glad to see you"
—
Abby. Yep (@abbycohenwl) October 21, 2014****
[grabs mic to make wedding toast and wife knows that look in my eye]
"brent don't"
🎶so baby gimmie dat toot toot lemme give ya dat beep beep
—
Brent (@murrman5) February 14, 2015What's good here?
"This place makes a mean cheeseburger."
I'll take that.
*burger arrives*
Burger: Wow, you're a fat ass, aren't you?
—
Tim (@Playing_Dad) February 14, 2015****
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl's hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
—
Dirt McTurd (@DirtMcTurd) September 17, 2013"911 what's your emergency?"
Hi, just making sure you didn't change your number on me too
"Sir you can't keep doing this"
I miss her so much
—
Donnie (@Donnie_Fairburn) December 28, 2014****
And The Lord sayeth "Noah. Noah I'm talking to you. Stop kil... Noah look at me. Stop killing the mosquitos. Fucking look at me Noah."
—
(@noog) January 17, 2015One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
—
Dirt McTurd (@DirtMcTurd) February 04, 2015
The Obama Diary 
You must be logged in to post a comment.