Don't freak out just because you're going to be alone on Valentine's Day. You're alone every other day too. You should be used to it by now.
— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) February 14, 2015
Big Shout out to Mike from Ireland who just thanked me because he thought he'd run out of beers but then found 3 Carlings behind the eggs
— Jesus Christ! Actually real and in no way a parody (@ThatBloke_Jesus) January 31, 2015
****
Just answering prayers:
— Jesus Christ! Actually real and in no way a parody (@ThatBloke_Jesus) February 11, 2015
No
No
OK
No That's racist
No
Yeah ok
Nah you'll lose 2-0
Yes
Diet
No he will never love you
Ok
3 12 36 38 44 49
My favorite part of the bible was that part where I'm alone and talking to God (myself) and someone who wasn't there was writing about it
— Jesus Christ! Actually real and in no way a parody (@ThatBloke_Jesus) January 20, 2015
****
When you're about to win the Hogwarts House Cup but then Dumbledore gives Gryffindor a bunch of last-minute points. pic.twitter.com/uobYjn1x01
— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) February 2, 2015
When you grab the Triwizard Cup and think you won but it was a portkey and now you're in a graveyard with Voldemort. pic.twitter.com/4oJ270Fo4c
— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) February 9, 2015
****
AMERICA: Hey, what's up?
— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) February 3, 2015
[55 Years Later]
HARPER LEE: Not much, you?
https://twitter.com/abbycohenwl/status/524622766494871552
****
[grabs mic to make wedding toast and wife knows that look in my eye]
— brent (@murrman5) February 14, 2015
"brent don't"
🎶so baby gimmie dat toot toot lemme give ya dat beep beep
https://twitter.com/Playing_Dad/status/566640684112023553
****
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl's hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
— Jay (@DirtMcTurd) September 17, 2013
"911 what's your emergency?"
— Donnie (@donnie_fairburn) December 28, 2014
Hi, just making sure you didn't change your number on me too
"Sir you can't keep doing this"
I miss her so much
****
And The Lord sayeth "Noah. Noah I'm talking to you. Stop kil... Noah look at me. Stop killing the mosquitos. Fucking look at me Noah."
— noog (@noog) January 17, 2015
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
— Jay (@DirtMcTurd) February 4, 2015
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
The Obama Diary 
You must be logged in to post a comment.