https://twitter.com/Diversion50/status/500349939583819776
https://twitter.com/trentistweeting/status/560253673549225984
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what do you mean my cat has to stay in the car? pal i didn't come into this wendy's lookin for a fight but you're making that real difficult
— lil jon lovitz (non-seasonal) (@liljonlovitz) January 21, 2015
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
— Ollie Garch (Not Sanctioned) (@ojedge) January 21, 2015
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!
"Sir, place ur order or hang up"
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[having sex]
— Jebby (@Jennuflect) January 21, 2015
Mmm…do that thing I like
"Uh…right now?"
Yes! Y'know I love it
"OK *kermit the frog voice* Yaaaay!"
Oh god. Now flail your arms
"Did you remember to take the dog out?"
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) February 9, 2015
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
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Probably the best thing on the internet. pic.twitter.com/Pg3xu253RW
— Rick Burin (@rickburin) February 4, 2015
https://twitter.com/hippieswordfish/status/563141161741594625
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[steak restaurant]
— Joe West (@joejwest) February 9, 2015
WAITER: And for you sir?
COW: [carefully closes menu] I should not have come here
This fkin idiot thinks we can't see him... pic.twitter.com/01uPHiKH9g
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) February 4, 2015
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My body is a temple, but it's one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
— No I Didn’t (@AndyRichter) October 21, 2012
*hotel bar. i spill water on myself*
— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) January 23, 2015
Fuck a DUCK
*duck at the end of the bar slides me a hotel key*
*winks*
*soft jazz piano plays*
FIN
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if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
— huntigula (@huntigula) February 10, 2014
When a ghost films you getting knocked out by a kangaroo... pic.twitter.com/VnreIRAISC
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) February 3, 2015
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