"Get Well Soon" is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
—
Diversion (@Diversion50) August 15, 2014[youth pastor]
now kids, i can't think of anything more "on fleek" than our lord and savior jesus christ
—
Trent (@trentistweeting) January 28, 2015****
what do you mean my cat has to stay in the car? pal i didn't come into this wendy's lookin for a fight but you're making that real difficult
—
lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) January 21, 2015🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!
"Sir, place ur order or hang up"
—
Ollie (@ojedge) January 21, 2015****
[having sex]
Mmm…do that thing I like
"Uh…right now?"
Yes! Y'know I love it
"OK *kermit the frog voice* Yaaaay!"
Oh god. Now flail your arms
—
(@Jennuflect) January 21, 2015"Did you remember to take the dog out?"
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
—
Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) February 09, 2015****
Probably the best thing on the internet. http://t.co/Pg3xu253RW
—
Rick Burin (@rickburin) February 04, 2015*looking over casket*
dammit, grandma
*wipes away tears*
i told you 13 buses were too many to jump
—
kyle (@hippieswordfish) February 05, 2015****
[steak restaurant]
WAITER: And for you sir?
COW: [carefully closes menu] I should not have come here
—
Joe West (@joejwest) February 09, 2015This fkin idiot thinks we can't see him... http://t.co/01uPHiKH9g
—
GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) February 04, 2015****
My body is a temple, but it's one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
—
Andy Richter (@Andy_Richter) October 21, 2012*hotel bar. i spill water on myself*
Fuck a DUCK
*duck at the end of the bar slides me a hotel key*
*winks*
*soft jazz piano plays*
FIN
—
Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) January 23, 2015****
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
—
(@huntigula) February 10, 2014When a ghost films you getting knocked out by a kangaroo... http://t.co/VnreIRAISC
—
GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) February 03, 2015
