16 | February | 2015 | The Obama Diary

"Get Well Soon" is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
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Diversion (@Diversion50) August 15, 2014

[youth pastor] now kids, i can't think of anything more "on fleek" than our lord and savior jesus christ
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Trent (@trentistweeting) January 28, 2015

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what do you mean my cat has to stay in the car? pal i didn't come into this wendy's lookin for a fight but you're making that real difficult
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lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) January 21, 2015

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base Ray; a pizza deliverer! Me; a guy, who eats pizza Far; a bad place 4 my food! "Sir, place ur order or hang up"
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Ollie (@ojedge) January 21, 2015

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[having sex] Mmm…do that thing I like "Uh…right now?" Yes! Y'know I love it "OK *kermit the frog voice* Yaaaay!" Oh god. Now flail your arms
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(@Jennuflect) January 21, 2015

"Did you remember to take the dog out?" Ah crap, I forgot [Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
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Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) February 09, 2015

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Probably the best thing on the internet. http://t.co/Pg3xu253RW
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Rick Burin (@rickburin) February 04, 2015

*looking over casket* dammit, grandma *wipes away tears* i told you 13 buses were too many to jump
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kyle (@hippieswordfish) February 05, 2015

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[steak restaurant] WAITER: And for you sir? COW: [carefully closes menu] I should not have come here
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Joe West (@joejwest) February 09, 2015

This fkin idiot thinks we can't see him... http://t.co/01uPHiKH9g
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GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) February 04, 2015

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My body is a temple, but it's one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
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Andy Richter (@Andy_Richter) October 21, 2012

*hotel bar. i spill water on myself* Fuck a DUCK *duck at the end of the bar slides me a hotel key* *winks* *soft jazz piano plays* FIN
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Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) January 23, 2015

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if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
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(@huntigula) February 10, 2014

When a ghost films you getting knocked out by a kangaroo... http://t.co/VnreIRAISC
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GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) February 03, 2015

Celebrate #PresidentsDay with all the U.S. Presidents and First Ladies at our new and improved historical pages → go.wh.gov/presidentsday
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The White House (@WhiteHouse) February 16, 2015

“We are 6-year-old twin brothers who love American history.” —Jett & Luke to President Obama: go.wh.gov/presidentsday http://t.co/Z69jtWizAP
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The White House (@WhiteHouse) February 16, 2015

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George Washington, Slave Catcher. Absolute must read. mobile.nytimes.com/2015/02/16/opi… http://t.co/F92FhJf6x1
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deray mckesson (@deray) February 16, 2015

Voting rights memorial in Selma: From marchers on bridge to "Hands That Picked Cotton Picked a President" http://t.co/FGy14i3LjS
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Ari Berman (@AriBerman) February 16, 2015

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Grand jury indicts #ChapelHillShooting suspect on 3 counts of first-degree murder cbsn.ws/19p44mu - @WRAL http://t.co/mcm4QvxaPL
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CBS News (@CBSNews) February 16, 2015

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: ISIS Represents Islam Like KKK Represents Christianity bit.ly/1DypRTU (VIDEO) http://t.co/jpbqMA4Zvz
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(@Mediaite) February 16, 2015

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#BREAKING More than 160 Boko Haram suspects arrested in Niger, say police
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Agence France-Presse (@AFP) February 16, 2015

US Defense officials: Egyptian airstrikes against ISIS in Libya were not coordinated with US: abcn.ws/19oyYeQ http://t.co/oJWWZ4Rb7o
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ABC News (@ABC) February 16, 2015

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From @jbouie Andrew Johnson is unquestionably the worst president in American history. No debate here. slate.com/articles/video…
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Ta-Nehisi Coates (@tanehisicoates) February 16, 2015

I just... RT @steenfox: Real. RT @wizzyjr: #BlackHistoryMonth http://t.co/2aBzCsjHPI
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ShordeeDooWhop (@Nettaaaaaaaa) February 16, 2015

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French President: Vandalism of hundreds of Jewish cemetery graves is "odious and barbaric" act cbsn.ws/1FT4hZU http://t.co/5PybHOw50g
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CBS News (@CBSNews) February 16, 2015

Oil And Gas Companies Won’t Have To Pay For Damage Caused To Louisiana’s Coast, Judge Rules thkpr.gs/3623349 via @climateprogress
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Dawna (@onecaliberal) February 16, 2015

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Did you struggle to sign up for ObamaCare this weekend? If so, you get an extra week: ow.ly/J8rlf
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The Hill (@thehill) February 16, 2015

The White House is ratcheting up pressure on Congress over Homeland Security funding: ow.ly/J7mJt http://t.co/0fUPWyz50N
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The Hill (@thehill) February 16, 2015

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Ruth Bader Ginsburg: America is ready to accept gay marriage bit.ly/19c3kkA http://t.co/6FmnrwV3lw
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Mother Jones (@MotherJones) February 16, 2015

"Those who fail to learn from history are huge supporters of my presidential campaign." - Jeb Bush
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(@LOLGOP) February 15, 2015

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In less than three weeks, Texas has scheduled the execution of a man who is likely innocent. nzzl.me/1vPixm0
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Radley Balko (@radleybalko) February 16, 2015

Talib Kweli spearheads The Ferguson Defense Fund for protesters and activists: rollingout.com/?p=722135 http://t.co/WsqimNdkp6
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(@RollingOut) February 16, 2015

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The brutality is incomprehensible. Read it if you dare--> Black History | Characteristics of the Lynching Era. 3chicspolitico.com/2015/02/15/bla…
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(@3ChicsPolitico) February 15, 2015

Canadian police foil white supremacist mass shooting in Halifax and explain why they don't consider it terrorism. http://t.co/kGvgcNMtd5
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Glen Coco (@MrPooni) February 15, 2015

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“new report on women of color in science...100% of the 60 scientists...reported experiencing bias & discrimination” wapo.st/17fJvHv
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Garance Franke-Ruta (@thegarance) February 16, 2015

Nobody GAVE black women shit. "@ShannonLeeKiss: http://t.co/0HP8K9voRM"
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IsisBaeperZz (@IsisPaperzZ) February 12, 2015

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I just realised that the War on Terror is just a big parking dispute.
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Aamer Rahman (@aamer_rahman) February 11, 2015

Black men in college 1.4 million Black men in prison 0.7 million vox.com/2015/2/12/8020… http://t.co/ghTiHtUxIb
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Conrad Hackett (@conradhackett) February 15, 2015

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George Soros is a foreign-born billionaire using his $ to influence American politics, say fans of Rupert Murdoch's FOX News.
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John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) February 15, 2015

1. Finally, my biggest failure of 2014: Once again not securing the #disclosure of the UFO files. #thetruthisstilloutthere cc: @NYTimesDowd
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John Podesta (@Podesta44) February 13, 2015

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Obama seeks $2 billion in private dollars for clean energy - bit.ly/1A99zlc #climatechange
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Josh Lederman (@joshledermanAP) February 10, 2015

BS. Take off his name & his POLICIES get support. MT @SaintPetersblog Gallup: Obama on pace to be most politically polarized president ever.
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(@Only4RM) February 09, 2015

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Talks between American Postal Workers Union & USPS on a new contract start Thursday. APWU will demand postal banking as part of negotiations
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David Dayen (@ddayen) February 16, 2015

Step 1: Blow hole in budget w/tax cuts. Step 2: Blow hole in safety net to cover losses. @DannyVinik on Brownback newrepublic.com/article/121068…
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Jonathan Cohn (@CitizenCohn) February 15, 2015

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An apt picture for the crap crap crap that is Man United 😉

Man Utd kit arrives at Deepdale. They're locked out. #pne http://t.co/7YYx8LaUsW
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North West Tonight (@BBCNWT) February 16, 2015

Friend just got this message on her online dating and I’m not sure I’ll ever stop screaming. http://t.co/EVdJuSBUGQ
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Dawn Foster (@DawnHFoster) February 16, 2015

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“My 3-year-old told me my vagina has a tail. That’s what she calls penises - vagina tails.” 😭
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Things A Kid Said (@ThingsAKidSaid) February 06, 2015

How to leave an awkward situation vine.co/v/Out5ieFUgxE
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Things A Kid Said (@ThingsAKidSaid) February 12, 2015

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It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
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Kat Meringue (@Izianikapani) February 11, 2015