[outside costume party with the police]
do you know what I'm dressed as, officer?
"Winnie the Pooh"
and did he wear pants?
—
Brent (@murrman5) January 29, 2015And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer http://t.co/AiydqrDj6T
—
Clee (@Cleedophile) January 30, 2015****
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
—
Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) January 30, 2015IRON MAN: *blasts villain with beams*
THOR: *swings mighty hammer and creates a storm*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: America! Yeah! Hell yeah!
—
patrick (@tastefactory) January 29, 2015****
[Chumbawumba concert]
🎶 I get knocked down, but I get up again.. 🎶
[whack-a-mole just goin nuts in the crowd]
"Aw hell yeah!"
—
Jazmasta (@jazmasta) January 27, 2015Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT'EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden: http://t.co/5Y6nuvCzcu
—
Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) November 29, 2014****
People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to STFU. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
—
ghost mom (@radtoria) October 21, 2014women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
—
ev rat (@rad_milk) January 19, 2015****
Do you think Obama feels more pressure during this speech because an actual founding father is in the audience? http://t.co/vyPrYFecM0
—
Ashley Ford (@iSmashFizzle) January 21, 2015"Hey Barry man"
Joe no I'm givin a speech
"Embargo spelled backwards is o grab me" http://t.co/KF2L6Ma0Ra
—
Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) January 24, 2015****
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
—
refriend beans (@pharmasean) January 22, 2015VAN GOGH: Go on, open it. You'll like it. Much better than last year.
GIRL: It isn't another ear is it, Vince?
VAN GOGH: what
—
american sadvil (@crylenol) December 24, 2014****
in 2001 i was in a coma dying from meningitis and someone played "in the end" by linkin park and i woke up to tell them to turn it off
—
The Fuck Turd (@Perfect_Beanis) June 06, 2011[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
—
David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 30, 2015****
[interrogation]
"What do you do for a living?"
"Kidnapper."
"Louder for the tape?"
[leans in]
"I'm a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop."
—
David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 30, 2015[wife returns from overnight work trip]
"Why's there 2 dirty wine glasses??"
[flashback to romantic dinner w/ dog]
...it was another woman
—
Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) January 28, 2015
The Obama Diary 
You must be logged in to post a comment.