[waiting for Uber]
[Matthew Mcconaughey rolls up in Lincoln]
Oh dear God no
—
Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) July 14, 2015[job interview]
ME: Is there anything I can do to *squeezes boobs together* improve my chances?
INTERVIEWER: Yes, you can let go of my boobs
—
Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) July 12, 2015****
*making the new intern feel comfortable voice* Tell us a little about yourself, Greg. Tell us a sexy secret.
—
viney (@vineyille) May 27, 2015Everyone at this funeral is mad because my entire speech was pointing at the casket and saying "Goals"
—
Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) July 05, 2015****
Police Sketch Artist: Quit wasting my time. [screws up drawing & tosses it in the bin]
[later that week]....
6ft cock & balls robs a bank.
—
paul (@FrenulumBreve) July 16, 2015LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
—
Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) July 16, 2015****
WIFE: *notices lipstick on my collar* have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG: *with bright pink lips* go on. tell her
—
Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) July 14, 2015BOY SCOUT: need help across?
OLD LADY: no thanks
BS: *dragging her across the street* IM EARNING THIS BADGE WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT GRAMS
—
Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) July 13, 2015****
*Kool-Aid Man bursts through the wall of his family home*
"OH YEAAAH- OH NOOOOOOOOOO"
*his wife is in straddling a Capri Sun in their bed*
—
Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) July 08, 2014[unassertive guy calls 911]
"What's your emergency?"
Umm I'm being murdered but it's not a huge deal I can wait if you're busy
—
Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) June 27, 2015****
that moment when you don't realize a privately owned business is the opposite of communism http://t.co/Imnpi2RvXD
—
Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) June 22, 2015If you don't want me to use your baby as a bowling ball then stop telling me how much he weighs.
—
ibid (@ibid78) June 12, 2015
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