My son wanted to know what it's like opening a Twitter account so I asked him about his day then walked out of the room.
—
Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) June 18, 2015
CO-WORKER: Can I get your opinion?
ME: Get a divorce
CW: I was going to ask if you liked this shirt
ME: Give that up in the divorce
—
Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) June 18, 2015
****
The best way to mediate an argument is to listen to each person's side and then tell them they're both wrong and they need to shut up.
—
(@Sarcasticsapien) June 19, 2015
I became suspicious of Rachel Dolezal when I saw her listening to Iggy Azalea.
—
Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) June 16, 2015
****
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
—
Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) June 16, 2015
"Excuse me Mr President [whispering] your hair is fucked up again sir." http://t.co/tCbW22lEB7
—
Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) June 16, 2015
****
[phone sex with a psychic] "Tell me what I'm wearing."
—
(@Tommytoughstuff) June 17, 2015
I’ll take PEOPLE WHO BEAT ME AT MINI GOLF for $1000, Alex
“What?”
Who is my former friend Gary?
“I-”
DEAD PEOPLE for $400
“Wh-”
Who is Gary
—
Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) June 18, 2015
****
ME: what's w/the helmet
SON: i'm on my bike
ME: take it off you look like a pu-
[wife walks out]
ME: PUT THAT HELMET BACK ON YOU LITTLE SHIT
—
Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) June 15, 2015
I'm the perfect example of why women poison their husbands.
—
Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) June 16, 2015
****
Genie: you have 3 wishes, but can't wish for more wishes
Me: I wish that I could wish for more wishes
G:.....
M: check and mate
—
The Experiment (@XGibbons) June 15, 2015
[you can obviously hear me listening to michael buble on my earphones & you give me a weird look]
[i start softly singing enter sandman]
—
ryan (@Karate_Horse) June 10, 2015
****
becky?
"uh yeah"
brent, panthers class of 2000
"no sorry"
I asked you to prom
"oh brent! how are you"
as you can tell I haven't dropped dead
—
brent (@murrman5) June 16, 2015
[ordering cake over phone]
"and what would you like the cake to say?"
[covers phone to ask wife]
"do we want a talking cake?"
—
k e e t (@KeetPotato) June 08, 2015
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