Imagine you really loved someone & then you found out they put ketchup on steak.
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Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) June 30, 2015*gets down on 1 knee*
"Will you mar... are you putting ketchup on your steak?"
Yes. I always do.
"I want to see other people."
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Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) July 01, 2015****
[reviewing our credit card bill]
WIFE: now throw your hands in the air!
ME: ok
WIFE: wave em like ya just don't care!
ME: we're still broke
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Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) June 26, 2015My new best friend is this 20-month-old girl whose only word is "cookie." Shes not into bullshitting. Either you have cookies or you don't.
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Kiki D. (@FeralCrone) June 30, 2015****
Donald Trump is like if a bumper car was a person.
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Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) July 02, 2015I'm running for president too. Fuck it.
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Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) June 28, 2015****
My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. She wants a huge wedding with 500 guests and a piano player. I want us to see other people.
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Ham on Wry (@HeyZeus666) May 29, 2014DATE: how about we move this to the bedroom?
ME: give me one minute
*i kiss all my beanie babies on the head and put them on the ground*
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(@trojansauce) June 10, 2015****
[funeral]
so sorry for your loss
widow: thank you *goes to kiss my cheek*
*whispering* he owed me like £10 y'think i can get that back?
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(@trojansauce) April 07, 2015Papa Bear: Somebody's been sleeping in my bed!
Mama(under her breath): Probably that bimbo from work again
PB: I swear to fucking god Sharon
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(@Thynebear) May 12, 2015
The Obama Diary 
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