[in my bedroom]
ME: i'll put on some music to set the mood
DATE: ok
[i push play on my stereo]
🎶 WHERE DID U COME FROM COTTON EYE JOE 🎶
—
Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) June 23, 2015
“Quit it, Bryce.”
“No you quit it.” http://t.co/TwOPDPeq7Z
—
philippe iujvidin (@philyuck) June 21, 2015
****
"Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
"THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!"
[voice from the back] "Nobody was going to."
—
Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) December 29, 2014
Parents: "When are you gonna have kids?"
Me: "When the police don't take my baby in the Sims."
—
Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) July 03, 2015
****
Me: Can you be cool for a sec so I can check Twitter?
Baby: *falls off changing table, screams*
Me: I SAID BE COOL
—
Musky Lozenge™ (@LostCatDog) December 28, 2012
This creepy guy at work calls me "hun" despite knowing my real name so I've started calling him Mulan.
—
(@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 02, 2015
****
My penis brought 7 boys to the yard/ they're like Sir put on your pants/
I'm like You're not real cops
Long story short they tasered my dick
—
Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) June 30, 2015
I just asked Siri "What's zero divided by zero?" and she replied "Chris Christie's chances of becoming president."
—
(@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 01, 2015
****
In the future, everybody will be a GOP presidential candidate for 15 minutes.
—
progressive spice (@goldengateblond) June 15, 2015
The GOP just hates Obamacare because misogyny and racism don't qualify as preexisting conditions.
—
(@OhNoSheTwitnt) June 26, 2015
****
Son, I love you. Nothing will ever change that.
"Ayn Rand was a genius."
I was wrong, son. *peers longingly out window* So very, very wrong.
—
Jason Miller (@longwall26) June 24, 2015
TOP REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES:
1) Ted Cruz
2) A gun
3) Your racist uncle
4) A gun in a cowboy hat
5) Jeb Bush
6) Literally a turd
—
Kyle Lippert (@Kyle_Lippert) June 25, 2015
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