[if i was president]
"mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat"
this press conference is over
—
k e e t (@KeetPotato) May 28, 2015
[undoes GFs bra first time]
"wow have you been practicing?"
don't be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
—
k e e t (@KeetPotato) May 17, 2015
****
mums always know http://t.co/ndayJWkvOE
—
k e e t (@KeetPotato) May 28, 2015
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
—
Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) May 23, 2015
****
I burned my hand earlier and now my kid thinks an oven is called a motherfucker.
—
Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) September 15, 2012
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
"It means wisdom"
*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
"It means I was brave at the doctor"
—
♡ Brian Essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) August 20, 2014
****
"Wow! Go show your mommy!" -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
—
Amber (@Amburglar_) September 29, 2011
My favorite scene in ET is where ET makes the kid smell his weird dick finger
—
Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) May 27, 2015
****
[starbucks]
barista: name?
guy: [is a secret agent & can't reveal real name so he looks around for ideas] my name is http://t.co/AxLWWzngjq
—
Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) May 15, 2015
[after a bank heist]
ROBBER 1: drive drive drive
ROBBER 2: dude go
ME: fellas im not moving this car one inch until u put on ur seat belts
—
Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) May 18, 2015
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