[7:00 AM in bed]
*closes eyes for a bit*
*Opens eyes*
8:15am
Oh hell
[1:00pm @ work]
*closes eyes for a bit*
*Opens eyes*
12:55pm
WTF
—
Tim (@Playing_Dad) May 20, 2015
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
—
Slam Squat-Thrust (@Gre_Gone) April 13, 2015
****
I’d like to buy a vowel, Pat
“Go ahead”
Is there a 😭?
“There are 14”
I’d like to solve. ‘OMG LOL I CAN’T EVEN 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭’
“You got it”
—
Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) July 21, 2014
Batman: ...
Superman: ...
Hamburglar: let's rob a McDonald's
Batman: who the fuck are you
—
Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) March 22, 2015
****
*loses touch with reality*
*awkwardly runs into reality at the grocery store*
R: "So... how are things?"
ME: "I'm growing tigers in my car."
—
Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) November 18, 2014
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You've made a powerful enemy today, baby
—
Timmy (@TheTimmyToes) May 23, 2015
****
Doc Brown: I made a time machine so you can go & stop Hitler, see the dinosaurs or meet Jesus.
Marty McFly: Nah imma flirt with my mom.
—
Kyle Lippert (@Kyle_Lippert) May 02, 2015
When the 1st guy gave the peace sign the other guy must have been like "how many things does this asshole think he can point to at once?"
—
ryan (@Karate_Horse) September 20, 2014
****
★★☆☆☆ Bad service. I had to climb a fence to get in then the waiters tackled me. Didn't get my burrito. http://t.co/L0LKg9DTsf
—
Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) February 26, 2015
God: You shall build an ark
Noah: k
G: Gather 2 of each living creature
N: K
God: even spiders
Noah's wife in the other room: OH HELL NO
—
Kyle Lippert (@Kyle_Lippert) May 18, 2015
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