What Do We Want? More Laughter!

Apologies if you've already seen a raccoon riding an alligator today. (Photo: Richard Jones) m.wftv.com/news/news/loca… http://t.co/4m4YuJDMps

—
Meredith Frost (@MeredithFrost) June 14, 2015

Hush little baby, don't say a word, Snitches get stitches, it's time you heard.

—
Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 14, 2015

****

whoa buddy I'm just here for some ice cream http://t.co/E0ijQiv7va

—
chem (@beardofprey) March 09, 2014

Sex is a lot like the movie Poltergeist. The TV is on, stuff is flying around, a clown is strangling you.

—
pat tobin (@tastefactory) June 01, 2015

****

i just yelled "hail satan" across the office. Everyone gasped, except for Debra. Debra slowly raised the horns.

—
TwıtterversalSoldier (@Jonny_Wags) April 25, 2012

"I'll be on Larry King tonight." - a diaper

—
aaron blitzstein (@BlitznBeans) June 04, 2015

****

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

—
Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) May 23, 2015

*puts out arm* *falcon lands on it, perfectly* "I want everyone to know: I trained this bird." *mouths to falcon: who the fuck are you?*

—
Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 21, 2014

End This Weekend With Laughter

Please, tell me more about how Obama has made America a dangerous place, person who hasn't vaccinated her kids

—
♡ Brian Essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) May 23, 2015

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign [guy next to me is still murdering someone] me: um excuse me

—
slick (@fanofhell) October 17, 2014

****

Dead 😂😂

Last month my mom asked what "af" meant and I said it meant "like REALLY something" without saying what it stood for http://t.co/LPslZ4Sg45

—
♡ Brian Essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) May 01, 2015

There’s gotta be a few seconds during a bear attack where the bear is huggin you and you’re just like “aww.”

—
Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) October 27, 2014

****

Duck internet search history: Bread Bread pudding? what is "breadwinner" how to become breadwinner where to win bread Duck boobs Free bread

—
Marin Hubka (@marinhubka) July 30, 2014

[first date] Me: damn girl, your hair is on fleek! You're so bae! That jacket is 100 emoji! Her: are you okay

—
cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) May 20, 2015

****

[at the pearly gates] God: I remember you Me: you do? God: yeah, you were the kid who when your mom asked you to say grace just said "grace"

—
refriend beans (@pharmasean) May 22, 2015

I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

—
Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 07, 2013

****

Whenever someone's robbing my house, I pretend I'm robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.

—
Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 23, 2015

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar* Mom: How was school? Son: ok Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

—
ceeks (@70Ceeks) December 06, 2014

****

"I can't believe we're selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk..." WALL: "I saw you vacuum up your kid's hamster."

—
jade (@Jade_VK) May 21, 2015

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

—
dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 16, 2014

Chat Away

I fixed @jebbush's new logo. Now it's perfect. http://t.co/QDWUtxltxZ

—
Rob Tornoe (@RobTornoe) June 14, 2015

This escalated quickly http://t.co/Py1HsWWBYQ

—
Farhad Manjoo (@fmanjoo) June 10, 2015

****

YOU: I murdered someone. YOUR DOG: I'm totally cool with that. I love you. ****************** YOU: I murdered someone. YOUR CAT: Me too.

—
Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) June 10, 2015

"Welcome to 'Mind Your Own Business Club.' Sorry I'm so late." [Jim raises hand] Where have you been? "Someone please escort Jim outside."

—
Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) June 14, 2015

The Week Ahead

****

Monday

The President will attend the graduation ceremony for participants of the 2015 White House Mentorship & Leadership Program.

****

Tuesday

Attends meetings at the White House.

****

Wednesday

Delivers remarks at an investiture ceremony for Attorney General Loretta Lynch at Warner Theatre.

In the evening, the President will host a picnic for Members of Congress at the White House.

****

Thursday

Travels to the Los Angeles area to attend DNC events. He will remain overnight in LA.

****

Friday

Travels to the San Francisco area to deliver remarks at the Annual Meeting of the U.S. Conference of Mayors and attend DNC and DCCC events.

****

Monday to Sunday

First Lady Michelle Obama will travel to London, Milan, and Vicenza.  Accompanying Mrs. Obama will be her mother, Mrs Marian Robinson, and daughters, Malia and Sasha Obama.

In London, the First Lady will participate in events for the Let Girls Learn initiative; in Milan, she will lead the Presidential Delegation to the World’s Fair; in Vicenza, she will visit US military service members and their families at US Army Garrison Vicenza

****

(Randomness)

Early Bird Rise and Shine

On This Day: President Barack Obama holds six-month-old Talia Neufeld, daughter of departing staff member Adam Neufeld, in the Oval Office, June 14, 2013 (Photo by Pete Souza)

****

MoooOOOooorning!

****

On This Day: President Barack Obama talks to kids during a stop at the Boys and Girls Clubs of Cleveland on Broadway Avenue in Cleveland, Ohio, June 14, 2012 (Photo by Pete Souza)