Thursday Means Laughter

mafia boss: "i want you to send tony the rat a message"
me: "like what"
mafia boss: "a horses head or sumthin"
me: [sends txt: "hey tony 🐴"]

— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) April 27, 2015

https://twitter.com/DamienFahey/status/588736432677658624

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Every time Iggy Azalea freestyles, an angel dies

— dubstep4dads (@dubstep4dads) April 14, 2015

ME: did you know... sharks kill 12 people per year, but humans kill 11,417 sharks an hour?

MY SHARK FRIEND: please put the gun down dude

— dubstep4dads (@dubstep4dads) April 3, 2015

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ladies, sex with me is like gun control. no matter how much we talk about it nothing happens bc we can't get it to work down south

— elon mustard (@nice_mustard) January 22, 2013

MUGGER: GIVE ME YOUR PURSE OR I'LL SHOOT YOU
ME: *realize I won't have to pay student loans back if I'm dead*
MUGGER: ???
ME: I'm thinking.

— Nurse Jade (@BacklineNurse) February 24, 2015

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I got hit on by a car today
"Don't you mean hit by a car?"
*Lightning McQueen pulls up beside me and honks*
NICE ASS BUDDY
*I sigh*
No

— Dr. Bucky Isotope, Master of Puppets (@BuckyIsotope) May 3, 2015

Dogs are more loyal than cats. A dog would never tell the cops about my meth lab Maurice
[maurice plays with a toy mouse as im driven away]

— Fred Delicious 🍆 (@Fred_Delicious) April 18, 2015

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Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

— maura quint (possibly parody sometimes depending) (@behindyourback) December 26, 2013

The most bad ass event of my childhood was when my grandma sliced my other grandma's head off with a katana and said "there can be only one"

— Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) May 4, 2015

The President’s Day: #AskPOTUS

@petesouza: #AskPotus

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President Barack Obama listens during a tour of the National Hurricane Center in Miami, to draw attention to preparedness in advance of the annual storm season that formally begins June 1. With President Obama are National Hurricane Center Director Rick Knabb, left, and Hugh D. Cobb III, center, Chief, Tropical Analysis & Forecast Branch

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It’s wonderful to have a president take time out of his busy day to answer questions honestly and not dismissively. Thanks, President Barack Obama!

Just got a hurricane preparedness briefing in Miami. Acting on climate change is critical. Got climate Qs? I'll answer at 1pm ET. #AskPOTUS

— President Obama (@POTUS44) May 28, 2015

Ready to answer your questions on climate change. Let's do this! #AskPOTUS pic.twitter.com/5KrIb5jL6S

— President Obama (@POTUS44) May 28, 2015

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.@calebmegajew the science is overwhelming but what will move Congress will be public opinion. Your voices will make them open to facts.

— President Obama (@POTUS44) May 28, 2015

@BigBennyFL 1/ We've shut off drilling in the most sensitive arctic areas, including Bristol Bay.

— President Obama (@POTUS44) May 28, 2015

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.@BigBennyFL 2/ But since we can't prevent oil exploration completely in region we're setting the highest possible standards

— President Obama (@POTUS44) May 28, 2015

.@BigBennyFL 3/ already rejected Shell's original proposal as inadequate which shows we're serious.

— President Obama (@POTUS44) May 28, 2015

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.@drock89 as @Pontifex and other religious leaders have stated we have a moral obligation to the most vulnerable and the next generation.

— President Obama (@POTUS44) May 28, 2015

.@gkermmm 1/ TPP is still being negotiated! But legislation requires the full text for 60 days before I sign.

— President Obama (@POTUS44) May 28, 2015

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@.gkermmm 2/ after I sign agreement, Congress will have months of debate before a vote. Nothing secret about it.

— President Obama (@POTUS44) May 28, 2015

.@NathenVieira jr smith having a great season but the heart of the Cavs is Lebron. And no one can outshoot Curry - maybe Korver if wide open

— President Obama (@POTUS44) May 28, 2015

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.@ZCarlander more severe weather events lead to displacement, scarcity, stressed populations; all increase likelihood of global conflict.

— President Obama (@POTUS44) May 28, 2015

@HLF3267 In fact new trade deal with have the strongest enforceable environmental provisions in history, raising standards across Asia.

— President Obama (@POTUS44) May 28, 2015

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. @Jamesthe4tress Already expanded Pell Grants and capped student loan interest rates; now want to make 2 yrs of community college free.

— President Obama (@POTUS44) May 28, 2015

.@HtetWint renewable energy key, already increased solar 10x and wind 3x, now need to invest more in r&d and provide regulatory incentives

— President Obama (@POTUS44) May 28, 2015

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.@arianastover Kids instinctively understand importance of environment, impact on animals, health. Weave it into science and social studies

— President Obama (@POTUS44) May 28, 2015

.@ZCarlander agreement with China big and will be working w Brazil to develop their plans. We will all need to do more with US leading

— President Obama (@POTUS44) May 28, 2015

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.@apat246 @chicagobulls love thibs and think he did a great job. Sorry to see him go but expect he will be snatched up soon by another team.

— President Obama (@POTUS44) May 28, 2015

Thanks for the questions! This was fun. I've got to run, but let’s do it again soon. Tell me what you're doing to #ActOnClimate.

— President Obama (@POTUS44) May 28, 2015

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President Barack Obama passes an image of a hurricane during a tour of the National Hurricane Center

President Barack Obama speaks after receiving a briefing at the National Hurricane Center in Miami. From left are, NOAA Administrator Kathy Sullivan; Commerce Secretary Penny Pritzker and Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) Administrator Craig Fugate

 

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Obama visiting Shrine of Our Lady of Charity in Miami to pay respects to the Cuban-American diaspora. pic.twitter.com/lhJ11t3jzU

— Jeff Mason (@jeffmason1) May 28, 2015

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Chat Away

Early Bird Rise and Shine

On This Day: President Barack Obama greets 95-year-old Lewis Coffield, a retired U.S. Army Corporal and “buffalo soldier,” at Stewart Air National Guard Base prior to departure from Newburgh, N.Y., May 28, 2014. With them is fellow “buffalo soldier” Sanders H. Matthews, Sr., 93, a retired U.S. Army Staff Sergeant (Photo by Pete Souza)

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Today (all times Eastern)

10:40: The President tours the National Hurricane Center, Miami, Florida

11:05: Receives the annual hurricane season outlook and preparedness briefing

3:0: Departs Miami

5:15: Arrives Joint Base Andrews

5:30: Arrives at the White House

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On This Day: President Obama is reflected in the Vietnam Veterans Memorial wall as he delivers remarks during the 50th Anniversary of the Vietnam War commemoration ceremony in Washington, D.C., May 28, 2012 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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MoooOOOooorning!