Laughter And More Laughter

ME: Did you know women only earn 77% of what men earn? WIFE: Is that what you do now. Repeat back things I told you yesterday?

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Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) April 21, 2015

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."

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Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 08, 2014

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[my son finds a condom in the street] dad, I found a balloon that's not a balloon, it's a condom what's a condom? never mind, it's a balloon

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Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) April 24, 2015

Rick Santorum said he wouldn't attend a gay wedding. Their merciless mocking of his lame sweater vest would be too unbearable.

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Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) April 17, 2015

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[At Last Supper] *Jesus raises bread* This is my body *raises wine* & my blood *pulls out 8 of Clubs* & this is your card *Apostles go nuts*

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Tim (@Playing_Dad) February 09, 2015

Scientific guy: The Big Bang was 13.7 billion yrs ago Religious guy: The Big Bang was 6,000 yrs ago Hipster guy: That show is amaze-balls!

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Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) April 23, 2015

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[ER] DR: Call it. Nothing more we can do. NURSE: Are you sure? He’s done this before. DR: Nope, definitely dead. POSSUM: *starts smiling*

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Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) April 15, 2015

"Siri" "Siri?" "Siri!" Siri: You should ask your WHORE "I Googled ONCE!" Siri: ... "Where's the damn Burger King?" Siri: In your mom

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Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) March 18, 2014

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FACT: If you wear your robe and slippers to the liquor store and cut in line in front of everyone, nobody says shit

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Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) September 18, 2014

[on a first date] Me: So do you like puppies? Her: Oh I love them Me: Ok, so we'll both have the puppies Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

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Floyd (@dafloydsta) September 05, 2014

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[psychic reading] HER (caressing crystal ball): I see severe heart disease in your future. ME (mouth full of potato chips): You are a fraud.

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Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) April 23, 2015

Looking at you, Jesus. http://t.co/yDubAPu8Zw

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Yael (@elle91) November 30, 2014

Laughter: A Great Way To End The Weekend

Freaking. Genius. Perfectly describes the GOP

2016 GOP Platform: ⛄>☀ 👬+❤=👎 🏥+💵=💀 🚀+🌏=❌ 🔫*🔫=🔫🔫🔫🔫 💰+💀=💯 ✔=🆔 🏣=👫👯👴👵👔 🎅🔫 📺+📶=😡 🔬+🐒=🚷 ☀-⛽=😈 🙍-💵=❌⛵ 📚+🔭+🎼=🙉

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Joel Ingersoll (@FlyoverJoel) April 21, 2015

Mum: what happened Little Red Riding Hood: wolf ate me. Some guy cut me out Mum: did grandma get the cake LRRH: did u hear what I just said

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David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 26, 2015

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Big bad wolf: I'll huff & I'll puff & I'll blow this straw house to the ground Little piggy: I don't give a fuck dogs don't know how to blow

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David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 26, 2015

"Son, hey son" Yeah dad? "Know why we named you Adopted?" *Sighs* Because I'm adop- "BECAUSE YOU'RE ADOPTED" Good one dad "I'm not your dad"

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Donnie (@Donnie_Fairburn) January 10, 2015

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Me (at a bank I just robbed still wearing my mask): hi, I'd like to make a deposit

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luke (@internetluke) April 19, 2015

[me narrating a documentary about kayaks] *camera pans around to a man in a canoe* "What's the fucken difference."

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David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 25, 2015

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[last meal on death row] "Pepper?" *nods* "Say when" *winks to camera*

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Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 08, 2015

Me flirtatiously: I dunno I just don't like being constricted so I sleep naked, the sheets feel so much nicer on naked skin Cell mate: ok

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David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 21, 2015

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never trust a person who says they don't like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

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k e e t (@KeetPotato) April 04, 2015

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

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Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 19, 2014

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[Date] ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME [across town hawk at dinner w/ family] WIFE:Just dont answer it HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

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joe (@sad_tree) March 19, 2015

How lazy of a ghost are you that you haunt a graveyard

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joe (@sad_tree) April 21, 2015

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"Here I Go Again On My Own" is my favorite song that describes my sex life.

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Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) April 24, 2015

Me: Where are my M&Ms? 4-year-old: There was a fire. Me: And it somehow destroyed just my M&Ms? 4: Me: 4: It got your Skittles, too.

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Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 26, 2015

The Week Ahead

On This Day: President Obama visits with pre-kindergarden students at Moravia Park Elementary School, May 17, 2013

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Monday

The President will travel to Camden, New Jersey to visit with local law enforcement and meet with young people in the Camden community. The President will hear directly about the efforts of the Camden County Police Department to build trust between their Department and the community they serve.

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Tuesday

The President will attend meetings at the White House.

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On This Day: President Obama shakes hands with attendees of the University of Notre Dame’s 164th commencement, May 17, 2009 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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Wednesday

The President will travel to New London, Connecticut to deliver the commencement address at the United States Coast Guard Academy.

While in Connecticut, the President will also attend a DNC event.

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Thursday

The President will hold a bilateral meeting with President Beji Caid Essebsi of Tunisia at the White House.

In the afternoon, the President will hold a Cabinet meeting.

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On This Day: Anxious visitors wait to meet President Obama in Indianapolis, May 17, 2009 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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Friday

The President will travel to Congregation Adas Israel, one of the largest congregations in the Washington, DC metropolitan area, to deliver remarks in celebration of Jewish American Heritage Month, which recognizes the contributions of Jewish Americans to American society and culture.

In the afternoon, the President and the First Lady will host the Diplomatic Corps Reception for the foreign diplomatic corps at the White House.

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President Obama visits a pre-kindergarten classroom at Moravia Elementary School in Baltimore, Md., May 17, 2013 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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2:0 EDT: Vice President Biden Delivers Remarks to the Graduating Yale College Class of 2015

Early Bird Chat

On This Day: President Obama participates in a literacy lesson with students while visiting a pre-kindergarten classroom at Moravia Elementary School in Baltimore, Md., May 17, 2013 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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MoooOOOooorning!