https://twitter.com/dafloydsta/status/571050055886643200
Boss: Are you high?
— steve suckington (@SteveSuckington) June 7, 2014
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren't doing anything
M: sorry I'm super high. What was the question?
****
[on a date in Starbucks]
— Kyle on Twidder (@houffy) December 14, 2014
Male: I'm just so happy we have such a strong connection.
F: Aww, that's so sweet.
M: Oh, I meant the wifi.
Please don't get a boner. Please don't get a boner. Please don't get a boner.....
— The Ciscokidder (@TheCiscoKidder) September 10, 2013
-me, hugging my crying wife
****
I'd say the least satisfying ingredient in this Oregon Trail Mix is the dysentery.
— You know (@Tmoney68) May 8, 2013
https://twitter.com/aveuaskew/status/428973527870738432
****
The secret to losing weight is knowing what your triggers are and then avoiding them. For example, my trigger is food
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) April 8, 2014
"Would an imaginary girlfriend do this?"
— steve suckington (@SteveSuckington) December 3, 2014
*rolls up sleeves revealing hickeys on arms*
****
Did you sleep good?
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) May 16, 2014
-Well.
Well what?
-Sleep well. Not good. It's an adverb.
You're an asshole.
-Ooh, looks like somebody didn't sleep well.
I enjoy cooking, but I don't like being almost finished with a recipe & being told to "chill in fridge for 30 minutes."
— You know (@Tmoney68) July 2, 2013
It's cold in there.
****
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
— The Ciscokidder (@TheCiscoKidder) January 29, 2015
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
https://twitter.com/Douchekevin/status/559855187360501761
****
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
— Eve (@lovemydogduck) November 24, 2012
*Wife screams*
— steve suckington (@SteveSuckington) February 18, 2015
"THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT"
*I approach, raccoon cracks it's knuckles. I turn around*
"It's his house now"
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