The Weekend Has Arrived. Yay, Laughter!

https://twitter.com/dafloydsta/status/571050055886643200

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren't doing anything

M: sorry I'm super high. What was the question?

— steve suckington (@SteveSuckington) June 7, 2014

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[on a date in Starbucks]
Male: I'm just so happy we have such a strong connection.
F: Aww, that's so sweet.
M: Oh, I meant the wifi.

— Kyle on Twidder (@houffy) December 14, 2014

Please don't get a boner. Please don't get a boner. Please don't get a boner.....

-me, hugging my crying wife

— The Ciscokidder (@TheCiscoKidder) September 10, 2013

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I'd say the least satisfying ingredient in this Oregon Trail Mix is the dysentery.

— You know (@Tmoney68) May 8, 2013

https://twitter.com/aveuaskew/status/428973527870738432

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The secret to losing weight is knowing what your triggers are and then avoiding them. For example, my trigger is food

— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) April 8, 2014

"Would an imaginary girlfriend do this?"

*rolls up sleeves revealing hickeys on arms*

— steve suckington (@SteveSuckington) December 3, 2014

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Did you sleep good?
-Well.
Well what?
-Sleep well. Not good. It's an adverb.
You're an asshole.
-Ooh, looks like somebody didn't sleep well.

— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) May 16, 2014

I enjoy cooking, but I don't like being almost finished with a recipe & being told to "chill in fridge for 30 minutes."
It's cold in there.

— You know (@Tmoney68) July 2, 2013

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5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

— The Ciscokidder (@TheCiscoKidder) January 29, 2015

https://twitter.com/Douchekevin/status/559855187360501761

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24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

— Eve (@lovemydogduck) November 24, 2012

*Wife screams*

"THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT"

*I approach, raccoon cracks it's knuckles. I turn around*

"It's his house now"

— steve suckington (@SteveSuckington) February 18, 2015

Chat Away

President Obama arrives at St. Lucie International Airport in Fort Pierce, Florida

Early Bird Rise and Shine

On This Day: President Obama greets U.S. troops at a mess hall at Bagram Airfield in Afghanistan, March 28, 2010 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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On This Day: President Obama greets U.S. troops at Bagram Airfield in Afghanistan, March 28, 2010 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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MoooOOOooorning!

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PS In case you missed it …..well, of course you didn’t miss it, but any excuse……….

First Lady Michelle Obama snuggles against President Barack Obama before a videotaping in the Diplomatic Reception Room of the White House, March 27, 2015. (Official White House Photo by Amanda Lucidon)