Honey the hot dogs are ready
"Ok. Hey have you seen Scruffy and Scrappy?"
*SLAMS GRILL TOP*
Nooooo, why do you ask?
—
Floyd (@dafloydsta) February 26, 2015Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren't doing anything
M: sorry I'm super high. What was the question?
—
Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) June 07, 2014****
[on a date in Starbucks]
Male: I'm just so happy we have such a strong connection.
F: Aww, that's so sweet.
M: Oh, I meant the wifi.
—
Kyle on Twidder (@houffy) December 14, 2014Please don't get a boner. Please don't get a boner. Please don't get a boner.....
-me, hugging my crying wife
—
The Cisco Kid (@TheCiscoKidder) September 10, 2013****
I'd say the least satisfying ingredient in this Oregon Trail Mix is the dysentery.
—
Tony (@Tmoney68) May 08, 2013When my parents told me to make something of myself I'm guessing a mockery wasn't what they had in mind.
—
Oblivia (@aveuaskew) January 30, 2014****
The secret to losing weight is knowing what your triggers are and then avoiding them. For example, my trigger is food
—
Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) April 08, 2014"Would an imaginary girlfriend do this?"
*rolls up sleeves revealing hickeys on arms*
—
Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) December 03, 2014****
Did you sleep good?
-Well.
Well what?
-Sleep well. Not good. It's an adverb.
You're an asshole.
-Ooh, looks like somebody didn't sleep well.
—
Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) May 16, 2014I enjoy cooking, but I don't like being almost finished with a recipe & being told to "chill in fridge for 30 minutes."
It's cold in there.
—
Tony (@Tmoney68) July 02, 2013****
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
—
The Cisco Kid (@TheCiscoKidder) January 29, 2015God passed down 10 commandments and apparently gave my girlfriend the other 648 to tell me about.
—
Këvin is that bag. (@Douchekevin) January 26, 2015****
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
—
Eve (@lovemydogduck) November 24, 2012*Wife screams*
"THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT"
*I approach, raccoon cracks it's knuckles. I turn around*
"It's his house now"
—
Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) February 18, 2015
The Obama Diary 
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