If you say "cash money" around me,
— steve suckington (@SteveSuckington) July 3, 2013
Don't act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts"
See how stupid that sounds?
I don't understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
— The Ciscokidder (@TheCiscoKidder) September 13, 2012
****
When you take too much acid and have sex pic.twitter.com/Vqcm7JFRdi
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) March 3, 2015
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) September 30, 2014
Boss: It's Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ's sake, put some clothes on!
****
"Mr. Potter, you're now qualified to be a magical custodian." - Harry Potter And The Order Of The University Of Phoenix
— You know (@Tmoney68) May 6, 2013
Boss, I can't come in today. Got a bad case of-
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) December 30, 2014
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It's Boogeritis.
****
If I'm spending $45 on this haunted house, I better actually get murdered.
— Jack Handy (@HandyJack420) October 29, 2013
"Welcome to Exclamation Mark Overusers Anonymous!"
— Ollie Garch (Not Sanctioned) (@ojedge) February 22, 2015
'Hello!! I'm Mark and I have a problem!!!!!!!"
[whole group] "Hi Mark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
****
https://twitter.com/daemonic3/status/471682800186585088
I asked my masseur for a happy ending.
— Slightly funny Jew (@Dani_Feld) May 14, 2014
He made me a balloon animal and painted my face like Spiderman.
****
https://twitter.com/aveuaskew/status/507217953809776640
https://twitter.com/daemonic3/status/556151645512290304
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"Fuck it, I'll just make up my own words that rhyme"
— steve suckington (@SteveSuckington) August 14, 2014
-Dr Seuss and Anthony Kiedis
Nothing beats the wrath of a mother protecting her children, bottle that shit up and sell it to the military
— Jackman...Forever (@TheAlexP) March 7, 2013
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