If you say "cash money" around me,
Don't act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts"
See how stupid that sounds?
—
Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) July 03, 2013
I don't understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
—
The Cisco Kid (@TheCiscoKidder) September 13, 2012
****
When you take too much acid and have sex http://t.co/Vqcm7JFRdi
—
PaperWash© (@PaperWash) March 03, 2015
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It's Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ's sake, put some clothes on!
—
Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) September 30, 2014
****
"Mr. Potter, you're now qualified to be a magical custodian." - Harry Potter And The Order Of The University Of Phoenix
—
Tony (@Tmoney68) May 06, 2013
Boss, I can't come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It's Boogeritis.
—
Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) December 30, 2014
****
If I'm spending $45 on this haunted house, I better actually get murdered.
—
Jack Handy (@HandyJack420) October 29, 2013
"Welcome to Exclamation Mark Overusers Anonymous!"
'Hello!! I'm Mark and I have a problem!!!!!!!"
[whole group] "Hi Mark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
—
Ollie (@ojedge) February 22, 2015
****
[hospital]
Mom: Our son's coma -
Dad: I know, it's time
Mom: Will you do it?
Dad: Yes
*draws dick on son's face*
Mom: *whispers* OWNED
—
Terry F (@daemonic3) May 28, 2014
I asked my masseur for a happy ending.
He made me a balloon animal and painted my face like Spiderman.
—
Slightly funny Jew (@Dani_Feld) May 14, 2014
****
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
—
Oblivia (@aveuaskew) September 03, 2014
I mashed 6.022×10²³ avocados to make this guac a mole
—
Terry F (@daemonic3) January 16, 2015
****
"Fuck it, I'll just make up my own words that rhyme"
-Dr Seuss and Anthony Kiedis
—
Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) August 14, 2014
Nothing beats the wrath of a mother protecting her children, bottle that shit up and sell it to the military
—
Jackman...Forever (@TheAlexP) March 07, 2013
You must be logged in to post a comment.