It’s St. Patrick’s Day. That Means Laughter

If you say "cash money" around me, Don't act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?

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Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) July 03, 2013

I don't understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.

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The Cisco Kid (@TheCiscoKidder) September 13, 2012

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When you take too much acid and have sex http://t.co/Vqcm7JFRdi

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PaperWash© (@PaperWash) March 03, 2015

Me: I love these lazy Sundays. Boss: It's Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ's sake, put some clothes on!

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Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) September 30, 2014

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"Mr. Potter, you're now qualified to be a magical custodian." - Harry Potter And The Order Of The University Of Phoenix

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Tony (@Tmoney68) May 06, 2013

Boss, I can't come in today. Got a bad case of- *puts hand over phone* -what was it again? Daughter: Boogeritis. *to phone* It's Boogeritis.

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Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) December 30, 2014

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If I'm spending $45 on this haunted house, I better actually get murdered.

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Jack Handy (@HandyJack420) October 29, 2013

"Welcome to Exclamation Mark Overusers Anonymous!" 'Hello!! I'm Mark and I have a problem!!!!!!!" [whole group] "Hi Mark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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Ollie (@ojedge) February 22, 2015

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[hospital] Mom: Our son's coma - Dad: I know, it's time Mom: Will you do it? Dad: Yes *draws dick on son's face* Mom: *whispers* OWNED

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Terry F (@daemonic3) May 28, 2014

I asked my masseur for a happy ending. He made me a balloon animal and painted my face like Spiderman.

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Slightly funny Jew (@Dani_Feld) May 14, 2014

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If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

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Oblivia (@aveuaskew) September 03, 2014

I mashed 6.022×10²³ avocados to make this guac a mole

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Terry F (@daemonic3) January 16, 2015

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"Fuck it, I'll just make up my own words that rhyme" -Dr Seuss and Anthony Kiedis

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Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) August 14, 2014

Nothing beats the wrath of a mother protecting her children, bottle that shit up and sell it to the military

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Jackman...Forever (@TheAlexP) March 07, 2013

A Tweet Or Two

“Happy Saint Patrick's Day, everybody!” —President Obama: go.wh.gov/qMY3Zw http://t.co/80hbeYM1T6

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The White House (@WhiteHouse) March 17, 2015

Happy St. Patrick's Day from the Vice President's residence, where he hosted Irish Prime Minister Kenny for breakfast http://t.co/ebE1yqyr2M

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Vice President Biden (@VP) March 17, 2015

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✈ Wheels up! ✈ Follow along with the First Lady's trip to Japan and Cambodia: go.wh.gov/GA8WC2 #LetGirlsLearn http://t.co/lAdlJbCwhL

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The First Lady (@FLOTUS) March 17, 2015

“The First Lady’s Travel Journal: A Journey That Began Decades Ago” by @FLOTUS FLOTUS/the-first-lady-s-travel-journal-a-journey-that-began-decades-ago-d8237d74aeef?source=tw-504c7870fdb6-1426615680875&utm_source=TwitterAccount&utm_medium=Twitter&utm_campaign=TwitterAccount"> medium.com@FLOTUS/the-fi…

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  (@Medium) March 17, 2015

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WATCH: President Obama discusses #CollegeOpportunity with students from across the country. ofa.bo/g3xM

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Barack Obama (@BarackObama) March 17, 2015

Thanks to the ACA: 16.4 million more Americans have health coverage ✓ The uninsured rate = ↓ 35% since October 2013 http://t.co/0k0phjyyTu

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The White House (@WhiteHouse) March 17, 2015

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Note: GOP holds off confirming 1st African-American woman AG to vote on denying health services for human trafficking victims. #ConfirmLynch

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Sen. Tammy Baldwin (@SenatorBaldwin) March 17, 2015

Loretta Lynch has waited 129 days for Senate to vote on her nom as AG, despite having bipartisan support. Long past time to #confirmLynch.

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Kirsten Gillibrand (@SenGillibrand) March 17, 2015

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Epic Fail, Starbucks. You don’t force your baristas who you pay $7-$10 an hour to talk about race, when your practices don’t reflect what you speak. Corporate should lead the discussion

Not sure what @Starbucks was thinking. I don't have time to explain 400 years of oppression to you & still make my train. #RaceTogether

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April (@ReignOfApril) March 17, 2015

honest to God, if you start to engage me in a race conversation before I've had my morning coffee, it will not end well.

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gwen ifill (@gwenifill) March 17, 2015

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I am 100% interested in engaging with Starbucks employees in a conversation about race. Let's start with anyone _but_ the baristas. VPs! HR!

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Anil Dash (@anildash) March 17, 2015

It took my barista 45 minutes to draw this on my cup. http://t.co/WJDFUvjF80

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Anil Dash (@anildash) March 17, 2015

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Hey Starbucks: Instead of badgering your customers about race, what about serving non-burnt coffee? #RaceTogether

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Imani ABL (@AngryBlackLady) March 17, 2015

We cannot #RaceTogether when our starting line is 500m behind yours. And our line comes with dogs. And tear gas. And you have cars.

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5'7 Black Male (@absurdistwords) March 17, 2015

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Starbucks says let’s talk about race. People say okay, tell us about your hiring practices, wages and salaries, who sits at the power table, etc. Their corporate dude deletes his Twitter account and locks his Instagram account. That’s how Starbucks talks about race. Congratulations, cowards

Corporate White Dude: Let's talk about race! 😃 #RaceTogether POC: Uh...ok. *talks about race CWD: NOT LIKE THAT! 😭 *deletes account

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Ryan Dalton (@capetownbrown) March 17, 2015

y'all realize there are no coloured hands in the press photos right @Starbucks #RaceTogether http://t.co/Epd9knTYfz

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black power alt bro (@vidalwuu) March 17, 2015

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Maybe Starbucks should try to actually practice what it's trying to preach and be 100% fair trade to help POC. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #RaceTogether

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Wagatwe Wanjuki (@wagatwe) March 17, 2015

@NerdyWonka @Starbucks And how they tried to screw Ethiopian coffee growers out of right to patent their own coffee. And they lost.

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diane sheehy (@dsheehy100) March 17, 2015

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The. Day. Has. Been. Won.

http://t.co/AHJazpQVCh

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#ACAPULCO (@MADBLACKTHOT) March 16, 2015

Is @Starbucks in its #RaceTogether convo gonna speak about how their logo was "borrowed" from a black Yoruba Goddess? http://t.co/uusX1mi784

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Brimstone (@bigbrimstone) March 17, 2015

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Starbucks baristas are being told to engage customers about race. I hope Starbucks now feels good about itself. for.tn/1MG1U05

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Jamil Smith (@JamilSmith) March 17, 2015

#RaceTogether is asking an underclass to make people they are SERVING feel hopeful about race with no Benefit or incentive to themselves

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Sydette (@Blackamazon) March 17, 2015

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So Starbucks both starts to serve alcohol and encourage their baristas to discuss race relations. Nothing about this seems like a bad idea

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DarkSkintDostoyevsky (@daniecal) March 17, 2015

So a @Starbucks EXECUTIVE can't handle social media backlash about #RaceTogether but some 19 year old in Iowa has to do it face to face?

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April (@ReignOfApril) March 17, 2015

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@brokeymcpoverty yes & locked his IG. He doesn't want to have a convo abt race but wants us to have one w/ a barista http://t.co/sPriAu1ujQ

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Blanche Devereaux (@TLanzzz) March 17, 2015

Starbucks introduces new racially-tinged latte thkpr.gs/3634583 http://t.co/GiMtWDFe4t

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Judd Legum (@JuddLegum) March 17, 2015

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How does @Starbucks even decide whom to ask about #RaceTogether? Are you engaging in racial profiling to talk about ending racial profiling?

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  (@sfpelosi) March 17, 2015

@sfpelosi @Starbucks And who in the world wants to begin a loaded convo on race with a perfect stranger? Productive convo requires trust.

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meta (@metaquest) March 17, 2015

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George Zimmerman and now Darren Wilson, are folk heroes + paid motivational speakers after killing unarmed black men: http://t.co/I5Kgqf6yeo

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rebkah howard (@pink_funk) March 16, 2015

Darren Wilson spoke at Hunt For Justice event, a group directed by cop who beat assault & burglary conviction in 2009 bit.ly/1AAVvf3

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Danny Wicentowski (@D_Towski) March 17, 2015

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13-year-old baseball phenom Mo'ne Davis launched sneaker line to eradicate poverty for girls buff.ly/1Bt27eA http://t.co/RxsAL5S9XY

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The Root (@TheRoot) March 17, 2015

I'm honored amd thrilled that @FLOTUS recommended my forthcoming memoir TheLightoftheWorld! skimmth.is/1DuZEr2 @theSkimm. #TLOTW

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Elizabeth Alexander (@ProfessorEA) March 17, 2015

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By this point in Bush's 7th year in office, Senate Dems had confirmed 13 judicial nominees. Obama has 0. huff.to/19wr6rX

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jennifer bendery (@jbendery) March 17, 2015

White House: Attorney general nominee Lynch "has already waited for far too long" ow.ly/Ksr21 http://t.co/iSPrHgzO6J

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The Hill (@thehill) March 17, 2015

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Vile scumbags

Penn State fraternity suspended over nude photos of sleeping women trib.al/OE2fQUe

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  (@GuardianUS) March 17, 2015

Sen. Mark Kirk on trafficking bill fight: "My wish is that we hadn't junked that bill up with abortion politics."

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jennifer bendery (@jbendery) March 17, 2015

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President Obama hosts a St Patrick’s Day reception

5:10 ET: President Obama hosts a St Patrick’s Day reception, East Room

Éirinn go Brách

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President Barack Obama smiles as he walks down the steps of the Capitol with Rep. Peter King, R-N.Y., House Speaker John Boehner of Ohio and Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny after attending a “Friends of Ireland” luncheon

President Barack Obama holds a book of poetry given to him by Ireland’s Prime Minister Enda Kenny during their meeting in the Oval Office

Vice President Joe Biden listens during a meeting between President Barack Obama and Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny, on St. Patrick’s Day in the Oval Office

Chat On

@WhiteHouse: President O’bama is ready for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chat Away

Here’s hoping Bibi’s time is up

Top O’ The Morning!

On This Day: President Barack Obama visits the Dubliner, an Irish pub in Washington, D.C., with his Irish cousin, Henry Healy, center, and Ollie Hayes, a pub owner in Moneygall, Ireland, right, on St. Patrick’s Day, Saturday, March 17, 2012 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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Today (all times Eastern)

10:30: The President meets with Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny

12:0: With PM Enda Kenny attends a St Patrick’s Day lunch at the U.S. Capitol

5:10: Hosts a St Patrick’s Day reception, East Room

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Very lovely Patrick’s Day greetings from King Henry to the TOD gang:

@TheObamaDiary Lá Fhéile Pádraig shona daoibh, Happy St Patrick's Day from all your friends in Moneygall! http://t.co/WMoPFcl066

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Henry Healy (@henryhealy) March 17, 2015

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Happy Ireesh Day!