Documentary Narrator: Now we will see a lion stalking it's prey.
[Video shows a lion checking the last time a gazelle logged in to facebook]
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Kyle Lippert (@Kyle_Lippert) February 16, 2015The news is so predictable nowadays http://t.co/q8aB3A9FhA
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Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) February 02, 2015****
Papa Bear: Why are u all here?
Goldilocks: Mama Bear, Baby Bear, and I all worry ur addicted to cocaine.
Papa Bear: http://t.co/0PM0xeqlLs
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Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) March 01, 2015[career day]
I'm a fire fighter, kids. What's our job?
"PUT OUT FIRES"
But some fires u just can't put out.
*hands out mixtape*
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Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) February 12, 2015****
Up next on the 2015 Westminster Spider Show, it's the Toxic Group and I gotta tell ya Bill, these little cuties are oh god where did they go
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viney (@vineyille) February 18, 2015—
Jazmasta (@jazmasta) February 20, 2015
****
Eh, Chips? 😉
WHAT DO WE WANT?
More attempts at Northern Irish accents!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
Noiyw… neow. Wait, I’ve got this. Noiw. Noiiew.
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FFA (@fourfoxache) April 11, 2014Cool kid - "my dad works at Nintendo"
Really cool kid - "my dad is CEO of Nintendo"
Me - "my dad is in hospital because he punched a toilet"
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Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) February 24, 2015****
I know I'm not ready to have kids because the only piece of advice I have to pass on to them is that soap never tastes as good as it smells.
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Slightly funny Jew (@Dani_Feld) January 11, 2015 vine.co/v/MAOigK3MYJJ
When your dad grounds you and you try to sneak out of the house
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Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) February 28, 2015****
[wife meets me at airport]
"you've brought a monkey home again havent you"
[me with my coat zipped all the way up]
keep your fkn voice down
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k e e t (@KeetPotato) January 27, 2015"911"
Hi yeah my wife's having contractions, we need an ambulance
"Is this her first baby?"
No, this is her husband
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Yael (@elle91) January 27, 2015****
[spelling bee]
The word is 'divorce'
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
*turns to camera*
I know ur cheating on me Karen, I want a divorce.
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Floyd (@dafloydsta) February 19, 2015[wildlife refuge]
"See the majestic falcon flying"
*everybody looks*
*falcon grabs my baby and carries him away*
"Oh my god NOOO"
Me: YESS
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cheesecake (val) (@BrillianTwit) February 18, 2015****
My Internet was out for a while so I went downstairs to talk to my mom. She seems nice.
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Yael (@elle91) February 13, 2015For years Officer Duncan Donuts had been the butt of all cop/donut jokes but not anymore, thanks to the arrival of Detective Chris P Creme
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Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) February 18, 2015****
[approaches toddler sitting with his family at McDonald's]
WELL WELL WELL. If it isn't the little asshole who got the last Mcflurry
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Jazmasta (@jazmasta) February 15, 2015[two salmon on a date at fish restaurant]
i don't see many other fish in here dave
[dave slowly closing his menu]
"finish your drink linda"
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k e e t (@KeetPotato) February 15, 2015****
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7's meth addiction had spiralled out of control recently, leaving him unpredictable and extremely violent.
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Jazmasta (@jazmasta) February 02, 2015"I'd hit that"
-old people who drive
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Pugnado (@LuvPug) March 10, 2013****
Ummm….someone needs to check on Gabi. 🙂
Gabi really took it up a notch http://t.co/uRUf4T4VKs
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shelby fero (@shelbyfero) February 01, 2015[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I'll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
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Joe West (@joejwest) February 17, 2015
The Obama Diary 
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