Laugh This Week Away

frogs are bullshit. theyre just fucked up fish. i dont believe in frogs zookeeper: sir no ones asking you to believe just put the gun down

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eric (@dubstep4dads) January 12, 2015

[god, creating ducks] Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don't know

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audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) January 15, 2015

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My dad ends all of his texts with "Dad" http://t.co/HcwpfSaohB

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Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) January 20, 2015

could the vegetables youre eating actually be BAD for you? find out here, with my 10 shocking facts about vegetables! http://t.co/lOFrANneTD

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eric (@dubstep4dads) January 10, 2015

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I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn't even know what year it is.

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Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 15, 2015

B is obviously the sexiest letter. Here's an impression of the letter O getting turned on seeing the letter B: Q

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shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) January 10, 2015

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My supervisor just said "Supposably" so I guess I'm in charge now.

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  (@OhNoSheTwitnt) January 08, 2015

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I'm a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

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Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) July 20, 2014

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"In this same office, firing you." - Best answer to the "where do you see yourself in 10 years?" job interview question.

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Josh Hara (@yoyoha) February 15, 2011

I am truly a monster for laughing at this and I accept that. http://t.co/c7BGw388E3

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  (@OhNoSheTwitnt) January 22, 2015

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[holding crying baby] Um how do you put it on vibrate?

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Jazmasta (@jazmasta) January 15, 2015

[nicki minaj concert] nicki: i bees in the trap, bees bees in the trap bee in the crowd: wow rap music is awesome these days lol

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eric (@dubstep4dads) January 22, 2015

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[wiz khalifa concert] wiz: black and yellow black and yellow bee in the crowd: oh hell yeah

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eric (@dubstep4dads) January 20, 2015

BREAKING NEWS: TOM BRADY CAUGHT IN SEX SCANDAL WITH NEW GIRLFRIEND http://t.co/JnhJhDbiGM

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Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) January 23, 2015

A Tweet Or Two

"That’s the promise of #PrecisionMedicine—delivering the right treatment, at the right time, every time." —Obama http://t.co/CqrqVblHMx

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The White House (@WhiteHouse) January 30, 2015

"The Budget I'm sending to Congress is a blueprint for success in the new economy." —Obama: PresidentObama/a-blueprint-for-middle-class-economics-4018a1492196"> medium.com/@PresidentObam… http://t.co/5H0Nm6zzlT

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The White House (@WhiteHouse) January 30, 2015

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"Look at all those Republicans claiming credit for our economic recovery. Malarkey!!" -@VP to #HouseDemsInPhilly http://t.co/fcXL0hpVWy

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  (@sfpelosi) January 30, 2015

Inspired by MLK, @NancyPelosi says fight for the middle class is a fight for the content of our character as a nation youtu.be/SNHZAx84r_4

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  (@sfpelosi) January 30, 2015

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@GOP won't #RaiseTheWage or time off but House work schedule for 2015 is 131days for which they get paid $174K http://t.co/EV2mYtbpKJ

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meta (@metaquest) January 30, 2015

Mitt's not running. Boy, I sure hope the GOP can find another stiff rich white guy who loves war and hates gay people in time for 2016

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  (@Stonekettle) January 30, 2015

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Why feminism? Because you can sell 30 MILLION copies of a single book and when you die, The Australian prints this: http://t.co/DAqkvphV35

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Comrade Badham (@vanbadham) January 30, 2015

mic drop http://t.co/p0VMS7r5bj

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Angelina L.B. (@albinwonderland) January 30, 2015

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I'm just gonna set this down right here. Because, @shondarhimes. #Shondaland. #GreysAnatomy #Scandal #HTGAWM http://t.co/OvYB1sWves

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Dr. Goddess (@drgoddess) January 30, 2015

I'm Not Sorry. http://t.co/6zWcerqrJ1

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deray mckesson (@deray) January 30, 2015

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But now that Romney's not running, who will stick up for the poor?

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Chris Moody (@moody) January 30, 2015

Mitt Romney sadly singing Mr. Big Stuff to himself in the bathtub of a dark bathroom

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Ben Dimiero (@bendimiero) January 30, 2015

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First Lady Attends the Counselor of the Year Event

1:30 EST: The First Lady Attends the Counselor of the Year Event

Chat Away

Congratulations to Mitt Romney for finally saying something the American people want to hear.

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John Dingell (@JohnDingell) January 30, 2015

Greatest tweet ever?

President Obama Speaks on the Precision Medicine Initiative

11:10 EST: President Obama Speaks on the Precision Medicine Initiative

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Early Bird Rise and Shine

On This Day: President Barack Obama surprises a tour group outside the Oval Office, Sunday, Jan. 30, 2011 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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Today (all times Eastern)

11:10: The President delivers remarks on health care; East Room

12:30: White House Press Briefing

1:30: The First Lady Attends the Counselor of the Year Event

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“When we’re shy about what we care about, when we’re defensive about what we’ve accomplished, when we don’t stand up straight and say:

Yes we believe people in this country should have health insurance and we’re glad that we are making that happen;

Yes we believe that families shouldn’t be torn apart, we’re glad that we’re fighting for immigration reform;

Yes we believe in middle class economics, we don’t apologise for wanting to make sure that
some wonderful young man or young woman out there can actually afford to go to college, even if their parents didn’t go.

We need to stand up and go on offense and not be defensive about what we believe in.

That’s why we’re Democrats.

And I promise you, I’m not going out the last two years sitting in the sidelines, I’m going to be out there making the case every single day.

I hope you join me.”

President Obama at the House Democratic Issues Conference

Video here

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On This Day

First Lady Michelle Obama shows NFL PLAY 60 Super Kid James Gale, 11, historical photos from previous administrations on display in the Booksellers Area during a National Football League (NFL) taping in the East Wing of the White House, Jan. 30, 2012. At right is James’ mother Lisa Gale (Photo by Lawrence Jackson)

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MoooOOOooorning!