*announcer voice*
THIS IS JEOPARDY!
*I raise my hand*
Alex?
"Yes?"
I peed my pants
"What in the-"
Oh sorry. What is I peed my pants?
—
Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) January 22, 2015
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
"he looks like you"
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it's not though
—
Brent (@murrman5) January 20, 2015
****
Scientist: how can we make condoms better, more enjoyable and efficient?
Frog: rib it
Scientist: someone get that fucking frog out of here
—
eric (@dubstep4dads) January 16, 2015
My mom ❤ I have no idea where she found this, but I photoshopped it years ago. I don't have the heart to tell her. http://t.co/K9uHu59XNS
—
Whalesmells (@whalesmells) January 12, 2015
****
[Air Force One lands in Japan, everyone falls to their knees & worships]
Obama: Wtf??
Biden: I'm really good at Yu-Gi-Oh
—
Brian Gaar (@briangaar) January 17, 2015
"Dude, you can come out with us only if you promise NO knitting"
"Ok deal"
[Later in the club]
"IMMA MAKE YOU A SCARF"
—
Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) January 19, 2015
****
"Sir do u know why I pulled you over?"
"Because you want to take me to dinner officer?"
"No, god no...well, unless you want to?" [Giggles]
—
Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) January 21, 2015
My favorite sex position? Boy there's so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I'd have to pick, um, reverse...shortstop? I gotta go
—
Matt Shirley (@mattsurely) January 05, 2015
****
me: you can lead a horse to water, but that doesn't make him a seahorse! haha
zookeeper: sir please stop my horse is drowning
—
eric (@dubstep4dads) January 11, 2015
[Dog talking to his psychiatrist]
"Honestly? I don't even know who's a good boy anymore"
—
Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) January 08, 2015
****
Best sex position? What you wanna do is get on your knees, spread ur legs for comfort, open the bible and read that til you're married.
—
Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) November 09, 2013
WITNESS: The bad guy is getting away!
*pigeon cop poops on the suspect's car*
PIGEON COP: Don't worry, I put a tracking device on the car
—
Pigeon Cop (@PigeonCop) December 04, 2014
****
*calls grandpa*
"hello?"
hey I was wo-
"what?"
i was wond-
"speak up"
i was wonderi-
"owned ha ha this is my voicemail leave it at the tone"
—
george w kush (@yungshoelace) December 11, 2014
[Bird crashes into my office window]
Me: oh thats sad I hope its okay
Bird: I AM TRYING TO DIE PLEASE HELP THIS IS SO HARD WE DONT HAVE GUNS
—
eric (@dubstep4dads) December 11, 2014
****
You aren’t considered a real clown until you’ve been dragged out of a child’s birthday screaming “I’ll see you all in hell.”
—
Brian Gaar (@briangaar) January 27, 2015
when the state of the union address is straight fire pic.twitter.com/3s51a3EGSr
—
george w kush (@yungshoelace) January 21, 2015
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