I'm not sure Disney fully understands what a pirate is http://t.co/u8UayKuT63
—
bella (@slytherinbella) September 06, 2014
You ever had sex while listening to Drake? I ended up putting on her clothes and helped her get back with her ex
—
yung simba (@ThotsOfAWiseMan) November 10, 2014
****
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
—
Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) January 06, 2015
Maybe Liam Neeson's special set of skills is losing his family.
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Stacey Lynne (@NervousJr) January 09, 2015
****
Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
—
Kali (@AdderallMomma) September 10, 2014
If you were stranded on a deserted island and could only have one book, how many times would you try to fuck it before you killed yourself?
—
Paige (@PeachCoffin) January 05, 2015
****
My current hunger level is "sexually attracted to spaghetti"
—
Krista Doyle (@Krista_Doyle) January 08, 2015
Have a crush on somebody? Play hard to get. Marry someone else. Grow old with someone else. Then when you're 90, text your crush "heyyyy ;)"
—
Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) December 22, 2014
****
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
—
Corey Paterson (@Midgetspar) January 01, 2015
Hearing a coyote pack shrieking at 1:37 AM is less unsettling if you imagine they're all tossing graduation caps in the air.
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Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 06, 2015
****
Got my dog dealer and my drug dealer mixed up when I was drunk and now I've got a Bichon Frisé instead of a half ounce of weed.
—
Lady (@ladybroseph) January 16, 2015
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
"FIFTEEN-LOVE"
—
k e e t (@KeetPotato) January 13, 2015
****
"I'm not typing that shit out again" - inventor of copy & paste
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patrick (@tastefactory) January 15, 2015
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you're charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
—
Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) January 12, 2015
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