A Laughter Filled Saturday Is A Good One

I'm not sure Disney fully understands what a pirate is http://t.co/u8UayKuT63

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bella (@slytherinbella) September 06, 2014

You ever had sex while listening to Drake? I ended up putting on her clothes and helped her get back with her ex

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yung simba (@ThotsOfAWiseMan) November 10, 2014

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His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

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Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) January 06, 2015

Maybe Liam Neeson's special set of skills is losing his family.

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Stacey Lynne (@NervousJr) January 09, 2015

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Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

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Kali (@AdderallMomma) September 10, 2014

If you were stranded on a deserted island and could only have one book, how many times would you try to fuck it before you killed yourself?

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Paige (@PeachCoffin) January 05, 2015

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My current hunger level is "sexually attracted to spaghetti"

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Krista Doyle (@Krista_Doyle) January 08, 2015

Have a crush on somebody? Play hard to get. Marry someone else. Grow old with someone else. Then when you're 90, text your crush "heyyyy ;)"

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Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) December 22, 2014

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I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups. And not ONE ab to show for it.

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Corey Paterson (@Midgetspar) January 01, 2015

Hearing a coyote pack shrieking at 1:37 AM is less unsettling if you imagine they're all tossing graduation caps in the air.

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Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 06, 2015

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Got my dog dealer and my drug dealer mixed up when I was drunk and now I've got a Bichon Frisé instead of a half ounce of weed.

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Lady (@ladybroseph) January 16, 2015

[talking to my guide dog] this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again [from a nearby speaker] "FIFTEEN-LOVE"

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k e e t (@KeetPotato) January 13, 2015

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"I'm not typing that shit out again" - inventor of copy & paste

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patrick (@tastefactory) January 15, 2015

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you're charged with speeding. How do you plead JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die JUDGE: Jesus Christ

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Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) January 12, 2015

A Simpler, Fairer Tax Code

FACT SHEET: A Simpler, Fairer Tax Code That Responsibly Invests in Middle Class Families

In the lead up to the State of the Union address, the President has put forward proposals to help strengthen the middle class and build on the progress we have made to create good jobs and grow our economy.  From proposing to make community college free for every responsible student and extending sick leave to working families, to acting on his own to cut mortgage premiums by $900 for families looking to buy a home, the President has already taken steps to ensure that all Americans can share in the benefits of our economic recovery.

Over the past six years, we’ve rescued and begun to rebuild our economy on a new foundation.  Now we have to build on this progress, to raise wages and incomes, and strengthen the standing of working families in a new economy.  On Tuesday, the President will lay out his vision for how to do that.  A key part of that vision will include a new strategy to simplify our complex tax code, make it fairer by eliminating some of the biggest loopholes, and use the savings to responsibly pay for the investments we need to help middle class families get ahead and grow the economy.

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The President’s plan will eliminate the biggest loopholes that let the wealthiest and big corporations avoid paying their fair share of taxes:

Closing One of the Biggest Tax Loopholes – the Trust Fund Loophole: The President will propose to close the single largest capital gains loophole, which lets hundreds of billions of dollars escape taxation each year, to ensure the wealthiest Americans pay their fair share on inherited assets.
Raising the Total Top Capital Gains and Dividends Rate Back to the Level Under President Reagan: The President will propose to raise the top capital gains rate to 28 percent – the rate under President Reagan.

Making the Biggest Financial Firms Pay Their Fair Share: The President will continue to reform the way the largest financial firms do business by proposing a fee on the biggest financial firms, making it more costly for them to borrow heavily.

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The President proposes to use the savings produced by these measures to reinvest in the middle class, helping millions of families each year and strengthening their standing in the 21st century economy:

Helping Working Families: The President will lay out a new $500 second earner credit to help cover the additional costs faced by families where both spouses work – benefiting 24 million couples.
Tripling the Child Care Tax Credit: The President’s proposal would streamline and dramatically expand child care tax benefits, providing up to $3,000 per child under 5, and helping 5.1 million families cover child care costs for 6.7 million children.

Making College Accessible and Affordable: The President’s plan reforms the education tax system by consolidating six overlapping education provisions into just two and providing students up to $2,500 a year toward completing a college degree. His plan cuts taxes for 8.5 million families and students and simplifies taxes for the more than 25 million families and students that claim education tax benefits. The President has also proposed to make the first two years of community college free to any hardworking student.

Saving for Retirement: The President’s plan makes it easy and automatic for workers to save for retirement – giving 30 million more workers the opportunity to easily save for retirement through their employer.

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The President’s proposals to take these and other steps to make the tax system more fair will also finance his plan to make community college free for responsible students and additional investments in improving child care quality, access, and affordability for working families.

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A Tweet Or Two

i saw three little black boys lying in a grave yard i couldn’t tell if they were playing or practicing. -baba lukata, rehearsal.

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zellie (@zellieimani) January 17, 2015

Honor MLK by protecting voting rights & strengthening the Voting Rights Act thenation.com/blog/195281/ho… @MHPshow

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Ari Berman (@AriBerman) January 17, 2015

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Hands up don't shoot #millionsmarchtx vine.co/v/OjrqbPAF325

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Jessica Luther (@scATX) January 17, 2015

#MillionsMarchTX http://t.co/oUzpL2ipIN

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Jessica Luther (@scATX) January 17, 2015

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#BagaPogrom: WE were DISTRACTED. The news got BRUTAL. Boko Haram's 'deadliest massacre': 2,000 feared dead in Nigeria gu.com/p/44myx/stw

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oby ezekwesili (@obyezeks) January 12, 2015

And tell him you're French. http://t.co/KnhJp5ppRx

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deray mckesson (@deray) January 17, 2015

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#millionsmarchTEXAS #BLACKLIVESMATTER #atx #MLK #UTaustin http://t.co/ozbYnK49yp

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Dr.JuNa (@DrJ512) January 17, 2015

JUSTICE #millionsmarchtx vine.co/v/OjrqD06zF22

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Jessica Luther (@scATX) January 17, 2015

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States w worst child poverty mostly Repub, among least unionized, & includes some of the whitest in US http://t.co/iHG0RS3Ygj

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Dana Houle (@DanaHoule) January 17, 2015

Wow, Snowden stole documents that expose the details of NSA's next generation cyber offense tools? Gee, thanks. m.spiegel.de/international/…

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Bradley P. Moss, Esq (@BradMossEsq) January 17, 2015

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From Morocco, with love. #BlackLivesMatter #ReclaimMLK http://t.co/R3Jtfr5tOc

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Kim Moore (@SoulRevision) January 17, 2015

This sums it up perfectly. Congratulations, @TheAcademy for taking several steps backwards. #OscarsSoWhite http://t.co/SNhDw9TmbL

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Nerdy Wonka (@NerdyWonka) January 17, 2015

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Appeals Court Rules Bullying A Gay Kid Is Not Free Speech thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/uncucumbered/a…

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word34 (@word_34) January 17, 2015

#AJEOpinion 5 years after the quake, Haiti’s wounds are still there but the page is turning. aje.io/mw4l http://t.co/mXYRyTYQAd

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Al Jazeera English (@AJEnglish) January 17, 2015

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20th Century Fox is making the first big budget Arabian Nights film in decades. And it's going to star a white guy. http://t.co/rxY3nqVtr0

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Saladin Ahmed (@saladinahmed) January 17, 2015

Miami. http://t.co/OgScWjiV3r

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deray mckesson (@deray) January 17, 2015

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Most American workers earn below $20 per hour marketwatch.com/story/a-majori… http://t.co/z1Eo5iV8wv

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Conrad Hackett (@conradhackett) January 17, 2015

Projected on the wall outside USS Midway where Romney gave his speech http://t.co/7cRUFlJtz4

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Kasie Hunt (@kasie) January 17, 2015

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Oklahoma pastors plan to wear #hoodies when preaching Sunday - in protest newsok.com/article/5383363 #ReclaimMLK @ajplus http://t.co/K3otiBg3S3

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Shadi Rahimi (@shadirahimi) January 17, 2015

Trying to figure out how a guy could shoot a cop four times, be set free, not charged. I have my suspicions. http://t.co/7aaeKR16mL

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Steve Marmel (@Marmel) January 16, 2015

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Tom Wolf's agenda: Raise the minimum wage to $10.10 an hour: ydr.com/politics/ci_27… via @ydrcom

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Pretty Foot (@PrettyFootWoman) January 17, 2015

Gerrymandered much? http://t.co/Pz0HqK9TqU

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meta (@metaquest) January 16, 2015

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My 4 year old daughter said, during the 8am @BBCr4today news, without any prior discussion: "it's all men telling us things"

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Matthew Price (@BBCMatthewPrice) January 16, 2015

Here is a handy visual guide to 2016 Republicans talking shit about each other. washingtonpost.com/blogs/the-fix/… http://t.co/pNJcbcZert

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Philip Bump (@pbump) January 15, 2015

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Ok Christians, apologize.Come on Im waiting.I was forced to apologize for something I had nothing to do with. Ur turn http://t.co/4NiDZ1MWGW

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MohaNNad أبو مازن (@TheMoeDee) January 15, 2015

Muslims in France fear backlash after attacks bit.ly/1AHpO8g

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The Boston Globe (@BostonGlobe) January 10, 2015

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#GOODNEWS: @NPR's @michele_norris becomes @Harvard @ShorensteinCtr fellow hiid.harvard.edu/news-events/ne… http://t.co/do9sUSKUNP

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Joshua Johnson (@jejohnson322) January 14, 2015

8AM: Mitch McConnell takes credit for the Sun rising. 8PM: Mitch McConnell blames Obama for the darkness.

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Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) January 10, 2015

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Letter from @Lupita_Nyongo: Why Shockoe Bottom Deserves--and Demands--Protection savingplac.es/1CrP2oH #SaveShockoe http://t.co/rWv5z0ydq6

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PreservationNation (@PresNation) January 15, 2015

Katrina Adams became the United States Tennis Association's 1st black CEO lohud.us/16w72Ec via @lohud http://t.co/REw0vMSkij

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  (@TriniPrincess) January 17, 2015

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Scoop: Obama administration to announce new updates to NSA reform efforts by end of month nationaljournal.com/tech/obama-adm…

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Dustin Volz (@dnvolz) January 15, 2015

This isn't just a BFD, its a HUGE F'ing Deal!!! => Attorney General Holder ends civil seizure process wapo.st/14JoV0R

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Nancy LeTourneau (@Smartypants60) January 16, 2015

Saturday Needs Laughter

*My mom is pulling me by the ear back into the grocery store and makes me stand in front of the old lady* I'm sorry I called you a Jabroni.

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THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) December 30, 2014

[ouija board] "Spirits, you haven't been acting like yourself lately" N E W Y E A R N E W M E

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. (@phaggots) January 01, 2015

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"Whose got 450 thumbs and is also a serial killer?" *points at self with both thumbs* "This guy!"

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Dirt McTurd (@DirtMcTurd) January 02, 2015

BOSS: Welcome to your new job at Pepto Bismol. Your company email address will be your first initial & your last name STEVEN HART: Goddammit

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patrick (@tastefactory) December 30, 2014

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Won't it be weird in like 70 years when people with the ∞ tattoos start to die. I'll be at funeral like I thought you were living forever.

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Zach (@the_paramedicK) October 09, 2014

[jesus at the bar] I'll have a glass of wine please. *sighs* I know what you're thinking but it's not true. None of it's true.

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Jazmasta (@jazmasta) December 30, 2014

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Why I don't get dates: Her: It's been light-years since I've had this much fun Me: Actually, a light-year is a unit of distance, not time

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♡ Brian Essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) March 05, 2014

"So why do you want to become a firefighter?" *imagines myself holding the hose, pretending it's a giant penis* "I just wanna save lives"

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Jazmasta (@jazmasta) December 28, 2014

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BARACK: where did you come from? FRANK: do you believe in time travel? http://t.co/y8wKd8YSpw

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  (@Ristolable) December 30, 2014

I bet when God is looking down on us and sees bagpipes he is like oh man this honestly wasn't my intention what the hell are they doing

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ryan (@Karate_Horse) December 30, 2014

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[Hospital front desk] "Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-" *wife hits me* "Baby delivery, I mean she's here to deliver a baby"

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Dirt McTurd (@DirtMcTurd) December 08, 2014

Imagine rise of the planet of the apes with these monkeys. Just imagine. http://t.co/HyiYYyCdfm

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Cocaine Cola (@SatansTongue) January 16, 2015

Chat On

Party on!

Early Bird Rise & Shine

On This Day: The President sings ‘Happy Birthday’ to the First Lady after greeting inaugural brunch guests in the Blue Room of the White House, Jan. 17, 2013 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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Happy Birthday First Lady!

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MoooOOOooorning everyone – having a lazy start to the day (well, even more than usual), so: chat on!