"daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa"
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
—
Brent (@murrman5) December 25, 2014
[Bank Robbery]
"Everyone put your hands up!"
*guy in back woos as he puts his hands up*
"..."
Guy: Oh we weren't starting a wave? My bad
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Sad Tree (@sad_tree) December 07, 2014
****
Remember to lock your doors at night. Santa only gives presents once a year, but he'll kill you whenever he wants.
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(@Ristolable) December 12, 2014
Bruh....His daughter just need to stop leaving the house http://t.co/xBBLHElp4W
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(@FunnyPicsDepot) December 16, 2014
****
[at aquarium]
That's a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
"Octopi"
Oh sorry...that's a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
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SageAnOnionStuffing (@onion_an) December 22, 2014
I often find crumbs in my cleavage & I get pissed off because that means yet again my boobs have eaten the food I left in there for later.
—
Lady (@ladybroseph) December 05, 2014
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