[Jesus dying on cross]
Jesus: Remember me as I was, not as I am.
Christianity: Too late. Already got the crucifix merchandise ready to go.
—
Alex van Beek (@AlexvanBeek) November 21, 2014
The perfect tweet, only 270 characters too long. http://t.co/6wun8GgdW7
—
Zachary? (@GreenishDuck) November 26, 2014
****
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
"You would not believe the day I had"
—
Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 16, 2014
DATING TIP: Show people you're sexy AND smart. For example, you could say "back that ass up like America backed the Allies in World War II."
—
Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) November 20, 2014
****
[court]
so you admit to the murder
"yes"
thank you
"no prob"
anything you wanna add?
"sike"
*my lawyer cups hands around his mouth* OH SNAP
—
Brent (@murrman5) December 04, 2014
Food is always the answer. You're sick? Eat something. You're sad? Eat something. You're already eating? Finish that and eat something else.
—
Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) November 14, 2014
****
[giraffe getting ready to throw up]
Omg I feel it coming
*15 minutes later*
It's still coming
—
luke (@internetluke) December 03, 2014
[fighting in battle of the bulge]
me: more like battle of the [grabs crotch] BULGE haha
other soldier: that's already what its called, idiot
—
slick (@fanofhell) December 03, 2014
****
[funeral]
*walks up to give eulogy*
*pulls notes out of pocket*
"Frank was a weirdo that bit his toenails."
*folds notes*
*sits back down*
—
Gan (@Terry_maximo) November 21, 2014
"911, what's your emergency?"
"Hi. Long time listener, first time caller."
"That's really funny."
"Thank you. Anyways, I'm being stabbed."
—
Lauren Reeves (@laurenreeves) November 10, 2013
****
"You are terrible at metaphors."
"Wow. Jealousy is a bad moustache on you."
—
THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) December 11, 2014
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don't even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
—
Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) December 01, 2014
****
*steals jump rope from some little girls*
YO LEMME SHOW YOU SOME SHIT
*throws jump rope into a tree*
LIFE IS FUCKING HARD SO GET USED TO IT
—
a. spaceman (@adamrensch) April 19, 2013
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
—
būč|{¥ |$0+øp€ (@BuckyIsotope) November 23, 2013
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