[Jesus dying on cross]
— Alex van Beek (@AlexvanBeek) November 21, 2014
Jesus: Remember me as I was, not as I am.
Christianity: Too late. Already got the crucifix merchandise ready to go.
The perfect tweet, only 270 characters too long. pic.twitter.com/6wun8GgdW7
— Zachary? (@GreenishDuck) November 26, 2014
****
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 16, 2014
"You would not believe the day I had"
DATING TIP: Show people you're sexy AND smart. For example, you could say "back that ass up like America backed the Allies in World War II."
— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) November 20, 2014
****
[court]
— brent (@murrman5) December 4, 2014
so you admit to the murder
"yes"
thank you
"no prob"
anything you wanna add?
"sike"
*my lawyer cups hands around his mouth* OH SNAP
Food is always the answer. You're sick? Eat something. You're sad? Eat something. You're already eating? Finish that and eat something else.
— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) November 14, 2014
****
[giraffe getting ready to throw up]
— luke [from online] (@internetluke) December 3, 2014
Omg I feel it coming
*15 minutes later*
It's still coming
[fighting in battle of the bulge]
— slick (@dlicj) December 3, 2014
me: more like battle of the [grabs crotch] BULGE haha
other soldier: that's already what its called, idiot
****
https://twitter.com/Terry_maximo/status/535662498637434880
"911, what's your emergency?"
— Lauren Reeves 🏳️🌈 (@laurenreeves) November 10, 2013
"Hi. Long time listener, first time caller."
"That's really funny."
"Thank you. Anyways, I'm being stabbed."
****
https://twitter.com/thenatewolf/status/543142053505269761
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don't even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) December 1, 2014
****
https://twitter.com/adamrensch/status/325333222667976705
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
— Dr. Bucky Isotope, Master of Puppets (@BuckyIsotope) November 23, 2013
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