Tuesday Calls For Haha’s

Kids should come with a comment card sewn into their clothing so you can fill out why you abandoned them at the mall.

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Kevin is that bag (@Douchekevin) November 29, 2014

"..all the king's horses & all the king's men couldn't get Humpty together again" *raises hand* What guy thought horses might figure it out?

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Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) September 10, 2014

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Jesus: Illegal to feed the homeless, America? What happened to What Would I do? America: Lol, grow up, Lord. Think of our property values!

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Tate (@darkmatter_wimp) November 23, 2014

[Porsche dealer] "I love the car, but how will it handle when I'm holding one of these bad boys?" *pulls burrito from my coat*

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  (@Tommytoughstuff) November 14, 2014

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[filling out online dating form] Would you describe yourself as sophisticated? *pulls hotdog from my hair* *circles yes*

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Noodles (@Dawn_M_) November 06, 2014

Picking a favorite ice cream flavor is like picking a favorite son or daughter. Mint chocolate chip / Vanessa

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Michael (@Home_Halfway) October 29, 2014

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The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.

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Shawn (@CakeThrottle) August 02, 2014

Seriously, calm the fuck down, John http://t.co/t2tfM19Fc3

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Kim Monte (@KimMonte10) September 09, 2014

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I saw a van that was covered in dirt & someone had written "I wish my wife was as dirty as this van". I wrote "she is-when you're at work!"

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ChiMuzungu (@BwanaChris) April 12, 2011

*notices zipper is down* OMG! *zips it up* FRIEND: Thanks but next time just tell me and I'll do it myself

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Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) November 10, 2014

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My orgasms for the past 22 months are now considered organic. Home made, hand reared and hand made

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ChiMuzungu (@BwanaChris) May 30, 2012

Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.

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shauna (@goldengateblond) November 10, 2014

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One of my favorite games to play on Twitter is "parody account or republican?"

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Twitnter is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 10, 2014

if your alarm clock wakes me up, you now have two alarm clocks and one of them likes to slap

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Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) November 11, 2014

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We really need an It Gets Better for people who accidentally tweet they're instead of their.

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Carol Ray Hartsell (@carolrhartsell) November 12, 2014

Spent over an hour putting the drawstring back into my hoodie after it came out in the dryer. It's the closest I'll ever get to childbirth.

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Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) November 13, 2014

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Turned Siri's voice to a male. Now he hardly listens at all and keeps sending me to the beer store. So, I get it ladies. I get it.

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AmishPornStar (@AmishPornStar1) November 29, 2014

My son asked what marriage is like so I answered, "It's fine" and then gave him the silent treatment for three days.

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Carly Danger (@carlyken) September 30, 2014

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Grandpa always said, "the hotter the tortoise, the sweeter the coitus". Sounds odd, but it rhymed because of his speech impediment.

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SoulCoffin (@SoulYodeler) November 28, 2014

Me: Hey, just wanted to say I'm thinking about you Pizza Hut: Please stop calling

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moody monday (@mdob11) November 24, 2014

The President’s Day

President Barack Obama speaks at the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, Md., about the fight against Ebola. The president is highlighting advances in research for an Ebola vaccine and pushing Congress to approve his request for $6.2 billion to confront the disease abroad and to secure against its spread in the United States

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 President Barack Obama tours the Vaccine Research Center with Dr. Nancy Sullivan, U.S. Secretary of HHS Sylvia Burwell, and Dr. Anthony Fauci to talk about Ebola, during a visit to the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, Maryland

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"I’m calling on Congress to approve our emergency funding request to fight this disease." —President Obama #Ebola http://t.co/waIFFNyACz

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The White House (@WhiteHouse) December 02, 2014

"The American people have sent Washington a pretty clear message: Find areas where you agree…work together and get the job done." —Obama

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The White House (@WhiteHouse) December 02, 2014

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President Obama Delivers Remarks on Ebola

5:05 EDT: President Obama delivers remarks on Ebola, National Institutes of Health, Bethesda

 

A Tweet or Two

How one woman could hit the reset button in the case against Darren Wilson thkpr.gs/3598082 http://t.co/fhYR3M6ITz

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ThinkProgress (@thinkprogress) December 02, 2014

Yes, that's @MsPackyetti and @SheenBean32 in a meeting with President Obama. The movement lives. #Ferguson http://t.co/eVITlOgU5a

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deray mckesson (@deray) December 02, 2014

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If you for a millisecond believe the main problem with Ferguson is President Obama, have an entire coliseum of seats.

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Zandar (@ZandarVTS) December 02, 2014

No, electing Obama as President did not magically fix police brutality and a 400 plus year old system of racism in this country. Sorry.

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Zandar (@ZandarVTS) December 02, 2014

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Obama's commitment to young people is remarkable. I will always commend him for giving us a seat at the table time and time again. #Ferguson

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Michael Skolnik (@MichaelSkolnik) December 02, 2014

AG Holder: “Our police officers cannot be seen as an occupying force disconnected from the communities they serve.” http://t.co/blOxG6y3F2

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TheObamaDiary.com (@TheObamaDiary) December 02, 2014

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Cop Cams. http://t.co/QrpuV95QTy

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TheObamaDiary.com (@TheObamaDiary) December 02, 2014

Irish newspaper: 'To be a black person in the US right now must feel like being hunted' irishtimes.com/opinion/the-ki… http://t.co/0nYtuDIzRm

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TheObamaDiary.com (@TheObamaDiary) December 02, 2014

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First they murder #MichaelBrown, now #Ferguson investigate his stepfather for displaying grief stlouis.cbslocal.com/2014/12/02/pol… http://t.co/8hr2QgU94u

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TheObamaCAT (@TheObamaCat) December 02, 2014

This is about vicious revenge by the #Ferguson pd in targeting Michael Brown's step dad. They refuse to indict DW but go after the step dad.

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  (@3ChicsPolitico) December 02, 2014

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aft killing of Tamir Rice, @clevelanddotcom provided more critical reporting on his parents than on cop who shot him; bit.ly/1ybZhii

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Eric Boehlert (@EricBoehlert) December 02, 2014

My 15 yr old niece shared this status - the students & youth are doing this all by themselves. We got you #Ferguson http://t.co/R705NSLxH0

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Anti-racism warrior (@VeryWhiteGuy) December 01, 2014

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#BlackLivesMatter Demand a special prosecutor and another grand jury. Charge McCollough with prosecutorial misconduct. This was not a trial

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Wendell Pierce (@WendellPierce) December 02, 2014

Understanding St. Louis and #Ferguson. My writing on #STL before and after the grand jury decision sarahkendzior.com/2014/11/24/und…

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Sarah Kendzior (@sarahkendzior) December 02, 2014

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The St. Louis Police say that the Rams apologized. The Rams said they didn't. A Grand Jury of 9 whites and 3 blacks will decide the matter.

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  (@JRehling) December 02, 2014

November 2005: Barack Obama speaks at funeral of Rosa Parks youtu.be/pRsH92sJCr4 via @YouTube

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meta (@metaquest) December 02, 2014

Rise and Shine

On This Day: President Obama departs the Outer Oval Office at the end of the day, Dec. 2, 2009 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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Today (all times Eastern)

10:50: The President meets with tribal leaders, Roosevelt Room

12:45: White House Press Briefing

2:40: The President visits Walter Reed National Military Medical Center; Bethesda, Maryland

4:20: Tours the vaccine research center, National Institutes of Health, Bethesda

5:05: Delivers remarks on Ebola

6:55: Attends a DNC fundraiser, Washington

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Greatest. Toon. Ever.

#edshow President Obama getting ready for January http://t.co/HRR8xF4eKc

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Pat Fuller (@bannerite) December 01, 2014

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On This Day

President Obama and Oval Office valet Raymond Rogers light candles on a birthday cake for NSC Chief of Staff Denis McDonough in the Roosevelt Room of the White House, Dec. 2, 2009 (Photo by Pete Souza)

First Lady Michelle Obama and Ken Fisher of the Fisher House Foundation cut the ribbon to open the newest Fisher House at the Bethesda Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland on December 2, 2010. The Fisher house provides free housing to military families while their loved ones receive hospitalization for an illness, disease or injury.

President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama watch Susan Retik and her daughter Molly light a Menorah on the second night of Hanukkah during a Hanukkah reception in the East Room of the White House, Dec 2, 2010

President Obama delivers remarks during a meeting with newly elected governors at Blair House in Washington, D.C., Dec. 2, 2010 (Photo by Lawrence Jackson)

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President Obama listens to former president Bill Clinton during a visit to a building under construction in Washington as part of the President’s Better Building Initiative to promote energy efficient buildings, Dec 2, 2011

President Obama listens as Hartford “Sonny” Black Eagle delivers remarks at the White House Tribal Nations Conference at the Interior Department in Washington, Dec. 2, 2011

President Obama smiles for a photo with a group Marine Corps Navajo Code Talkers after delivering remarks at the White House Tribal Nations Conference, Dec. 2, 2011

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President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama arrive at the Kennedy Center Honors reception at the White House on December 2, 2012

President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama applaud as they attend the 2012 Kennedy Center Honors at the Kennedy Center in Washington, December 2, 2012

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Pete Souza: “Joined by Chief of Staff Denis McDonough’s daughter, the President carries a birthday cake to surprise McDonough in his West Wing office.” Dec. 2, 2013

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 MoooOOOooorning!

Early Bird Chat

President Barack Obama and First Lady Michele Obama talk with the 2012 Kennedy Center Honorees in the Blue Room of the White House prior to a reception in the East Room, Dec. 2, 2012. Honorees, from left, are: Chicago bluesman Buddy Guy, Led Zeppelin keyboardist and bassist John Paul Jones, Led Zeppelin singer Robert Plant, ballerina Natalia Makarova, actor Dustin Hoffman, Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page, and television comedian David Letterman. (Photo by Pete Souza)

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MoooOOOooorning – Happy Tuesday!