Kids should come with a comment card sewn into their clothing so you can fill out why you abandoned them at the mall.
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Kevin is that bag (@Douchekevin) November 29, 2014"..all the king's horses & all the king's men couldn't get Humpty together again"
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
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Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) September 10, 2014****
Jesus: Illegal to feed the homeless, America? What happened to What Would I do?
America: Lol, grow up, Lord. Think of our property values!
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Tate (@darkmatter_wimp) November 23, 2014[Porsche dealer]
"I love the car, but how will it handle when I'm holding one of these bad boys?" *pulls burrito from my coat*
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(@Tommytoughstuff) November 14, 2014****
[filling out online dating form]
Would you describe yourself as sophisticated?
*pulls hotdog from my hair*
*circles yes*
—
Noodles (@Dawn_M_) November 06, 2014Picking a favorite ice cream flavor is like picking a favorite son or daughter.
Mint chocolate chip / Vanessa
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Michael (@Home_Halfway) October 29, 2014****
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.
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Shawn (@CakeThrottle) August 02, 2014Seriously, calm the fuck down, John http://t.co/t2tfM19Fc3
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Kim Monte (@KimMonte10) September 09, 2014****
I saw a van that was covered in dirt & someone had written "I wish my wife was as dirty as this van". I wrote "she is-when you're at work!"
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ChiMuzungu (@BwanaChris) April 12, 2011*notices zipper is down*
OMG!
*zips it up*
FRIEND: Thanks but next time just tell me and I'll do it myself
—
Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) November 10, 2014****
My orgasms for the past 22 months are now considered organic. Home made, hand reared and hand made
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ChiMuzungu (@BwanaChris) May 30, 2012Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
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shauna (@goldengateblond) November 10, 2014****
One of my favorite games to play on Twitter is "parody account or republican?"
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Twitnter is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 10, 2014if your alarm clock wakes me up, you now have two alarm clocks and one of them likes to slap
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Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) November 11, 2014****
We really need an It Gets Better for people who accidentally tweet they're instead of their.
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Carol Ray Hartsell (@carolrhartsell) November 12, 2014Spent over an hour putting the drawstring back into my hoodie after it came out in the dryer. It's the closest I'll ever get to childbirth.
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Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) November 13, 2014****
Turned Siri's voice to a male. Now he hardly listens at all and keeps sending me to the beer store.
So, I get it ladies. I get it.
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AmishPornStar (@AmishPornStar1) November 29, 2014My son asked what marriage is like so I answered, "It's fine" and then gave him the silent treatment for three days.
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Carly Danger (@carlyken) September 30, 2014****
Grandpa always said, "the hotter the tortoise, the sweeter the coitus". Sounds odd, but it rhymed because of his speech impediment.
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SoulCoffin (@SoulYodeler) November 28, 2014Me: Hey, just wanted to say I'm thinking about you
Pizza Hut: Please stop calling
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moody monday (@mdob11) November 24, 2014
The Obama Diary 
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