If you want her - tell her.
If you need her - show her.
If you yearn for her - touch her.
Just make sure her husband's not at home.
—
lostmydignity (@carlyme23) March 23, 2014
90% of parenting is just walking around yelling "WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES? WE'RE ALREADY LATE! FIND YOUR SHOES!"
—
Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 22, 2014
****
What's that disease called where the tiniest sounds can annoy you to the point of rage?
-Marriage?
—
Carrie (@TheCareBare) October 09, 2013
If you didn't want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn't have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
—
Oreo Ninja (@PowKaPowBoom) July 27, 2014
****
Just so we're all clear, at a certain point a possum stops playing "possum" and starts playing "attack this motherfucker thats touching me".
—
The Colonel (@mrkernals) June 12, 2014
"Baby last night you were so hot, let's do it all over again this morning."
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
—
Carrie (@TheCareBare) July 28, 2013
****
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don't know what to say
"that's why i bought it for you"
—
k e e t (@KeetPotato) April 01, 2014
What?
My name is...
Who?
My name is...
huh?
My name is...
Chicka Checka...FOR SIGNS OF EARLY ONSET DEMENTIA.
—
GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) November 02, 2014
****
"I guess bringing you scared him off," I said to my cat as I sat in a wedding dress and watched as my date ran away.
—
Sasshole (@RidiculousSheri) November 29, 2014
My kid asked what it's like to be married so I bought him a PS4 and bought him games for the XBOX One
—
Squier (@Darchstar007) April 23, 2014
****
Women like a funny guy till that's her guy. My wife used to think I was funny now she asks me "is everything a damn joke to you"!?
—
Squier (@Darchstar007) March 02, 2014
[in delivery room]
"Sir, do you want to hold your baby?"
[doesn't look up from phone]
"Yes please. Milk & 2 sugars."
—
David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 24, 2014
****
"Waiter, there's a fly fly in my soup"
Did you just stutter?
"No"
[A fly wearing a leather jacket & aviators leans on the spoon]
"SUP?"
—
Kyle Lippert (@Kyle_Lippert) November 17, 2014
mum: "your grandma spent 6 weeks making that for you"
me: "im not wearing it"
mum: "just put it on"
me: http://t.co/WKY9KSFIaw
—
k e e t (@KeetPotato) November 27, 2014
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