A Little Laughter Helps

*wife icing waiter's jaw while I talk to the police*
"I thought he said boner petite"

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 19, 2014

Son: Why do you cry whenever that song comes on the radio?

Dad: Your grandfather was rocked to death by a crocodile.

— Beau Hartenstine (@madcaplaughs30) November 20, 2014

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https://twitter.com/LookAwayMomDad/status/321348743439990784

https://twitter.com/PeachCoffin/status/535031592348295168

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me: i mean seriously guys, what idiot gets killed by an astroid
crowd: [laughing]
dinosaurs in crowd: wow fuck this guy

— chuuch (@ch000ch) November 22, 2014

https://twitter.com/ibid78/status/533174814119567360

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My son asked why mommy & daddy sometimes lock the bedroom door, so we told him the truth. We're searching the internet for his real parents.

— Eeric (@ericsshadow) November 26, 2014

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

"This is my 24th winter"
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 24, 2014

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This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

— shauna (@goldengateblond) November 20, 2014

*beetle opens front door for bug party guests*
BEETLE: Hey guys come on in! Could everyone please take off their shoes?
CENTIPEDE: Fuck

— pat tobin (@tastefactory) November 27, 2014

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[At funeral]
"USA… USA…"
*Stands up*
"USA… USA!"
*Crowd joins in slowly*
"USA! USA!"
*Widow jumps up & pounds on casket like a drum*
USA! US

— A Pile of Cheese (@Cheese_Pile) June 26, 2014

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my 'Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist' mug: which school do they go to?

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 23, 2014

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https://twitter.com/NicestHippo/status/535109623422799873

why do baby's clothes need pockets? what do they carry around? baby wallets? fuck off

— Melanie Bracewell (@meladoodle) May 26, 2014

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Me: What is... can I kiss you Alex?

Alex: Once again no, please stop asking, you are at negative $87,000

— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) November 19, 2014

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you're thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

— cgi hulk feet (@johnbiehl) November 10, 2014

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Found this in the laundry room lmao pic.twitter.com/2yPU8F1Wsp

— dubstep4dads (@dubstep4dads) November 23, 2014

https://twitter.com/kathradical/status/535895410574102528

The First Family’s Day

President Barack Obama, First Daughters Sasha and Malia Obama at the annual tradition of pardoning the National Thanksgiving Turkey. This year’s turkey is named ‘Cheese.’

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President Obama and his daughters, Malia and Sasha, check out one of the turkeys before today's annual turkey pardon pic.twitter.com/HTfuanTvrg

— petesouza (archived) (@PeteSouza44) November 27, 2014

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The First Family volunteering at ‘Bread For The City’ community center in Washington, D.C.

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Ferguson: Who Are We?

Diana, I wrote this at 22. I remember how angry I was. And yes it was more than that. It was pain/hurt. @Diana_Denis pic.twitter.com/1yDxKCtwST

— Cory Booker (@CoryBooker) November 26, 2014

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Gazelle

[I’m so perturbed by yesterday’s & the continuity of ugly bombardment, 6 years+. I had to go inside myself, and wrote “Who Are We?”:

Who Are You?
When you reached that pinnacle of your own success,
And perhaps looked back at the ladders’ rungs beneath,
Upon which you crawled,
Which you gladly razored so others
Didn’t dare follow in your wake,

Who Are You?

You wrap yourself in your very narrow existence.
Are you The Chosen Oblivious?
Or a creature birthed
Between those rungs, and doomed to be willingly
Without humanity’s anchor?

And then, in giving you credence at our head table,

Who Are We?

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White privilege is me being outraged and angered by the #FergusonDecision rather than utterly terrified.

— Scott Mendelson (@ScottMendelson) November 25, 2014

https://twitter.com/JRehling/status/537081742293610496

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Hate is deep in America. Rep King (R-NY) has asked President Obama to meet with and thank Darren Wilson. #Ferguson http://t.co/zJTBvoHneY

— deray (@deray) November 26, 2014

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T. Thorn Coyle: An Open Letter to White America

I am sending out a call for compassion. I am sending out a call for reason. I am sending out a call for an expansion of our presence with one another. I am sending out the remembrance of the threads of our connection. We are not isolated beings on this planet. Collectively, in our gorgeous variance, we make up this living organism we call life… This morning, a Black woman tweeted that she thought she was okay, until she saw a group of children walking to school and burst into tears. I don’t know what it is like to live inside that sort of fear, anguish, grief, and pain.  But it doesn’t take much for me to imagine it.…

The extrajudicial killing of Black and brown people by police is not a sometime thing. It is said that every 28 hours a Black person is killed by police or security agencies. Just looking at the news, and at my Twitter feed, this is not so hard to believe. Are all cops bad people? No. Are all cops racist? No. But the system they work within is. This is the system that stops and frisks Black and brown men in large cities every single day. The system that incarcerates and disenfranchises Black men at horrifically high rates. The system that tells Black women their bodies are both loathed and admired, but are not their own to hold and keep….

…When the system has not only failed you, but has actively put your well-being and your life, and your families’ lives in danger, how exactly are you supposed to respond? By trusting in that system? I don’t find random property damage done from grief and anger to be helpful or useful as a political tactic. That said: human life is worth more than human property. Always. In the United States? Particularly in White America? We seem to have reversed their importance, placing property over humanity, at least when those humans have darker skin…

More here

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https://twitter.com/Awkward_Duck/status/537422320508628992

Across the USA, more demonstrations are planned to protest the #FergusonDecision: http://t.co/yrI1tuFRPa pic.twitter.com/eoeLUxQ6nh

— USA TODAY (@USATODAY) November 25, 2014

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Great NYT recap: What was different about the Ferguson grand jury? http://t.co/yrF7gYANgi pic.twitter.com/l9GcZvXK1M

— Matt Ford (@fordm) November 26, 2014

The tragedy in Ferguson (and the prosecutor's description of eyewitness accts) makes the strongest possible case for police body cameras.

— Joaquin Castro (@JoaquinCastrotx) November 25, 2014

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Ferguson Library Sees 'Staggering' Spike In Donations After Grand Jury Decision @TPM http://t.co/joqjIKNYsZ pic.twitter.com/niU5nQ1rWa

— Jim Roberts (@nycjim) November 26, 2014

Holy moly, my @DonorsChoose fundraiser for #Ferguson schools is $149 from $20K. That's inside 10 hours. Wow. http://t.co/FpCoIQnwq2

— Rachel Sklar (she/her) Call Congress 202-224-3121 (@rachelsklar) November 26, 2014

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Turkey Pardoning Time

2:15 EST: President Obama Pardons the National Thanksgiving Turkey

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Rise and Shine

On This Day: President Barack Obama talks with Vice President Joe Biden in the hallway outside of the Oval Office following a meeting, Nov. 26, 2012 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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Today (all times Eastern)

2:15: The President pardons the National Thanksgiving Turkey

4:25: The First Family participate in a service event

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My God. This picture. RT @yamphoto Protester decides to take snapshot of the police officer she confronted. #Ferguson pic.twitter.com/LfPjfaeebu

— Gabe Ortíz (@TUSK81) November 26, 2014

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On This Day

President Obama views a motion capture demonstration during a tour of the Glendale campus of movie studio DreamWorks Animation SKG in Glendale, Calif., Nov. 26, 2013 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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Morning everyone. I’m having an even lazier morning than usual today, so chat on and fill in the blanks 🙂

Early Bird Chat

On This Day: President Barack Obama greets a child in Beverly Hills, Calif., Nov. 26, 2013 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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Morning everyone, happy Wednesday.