People always go, "Why can't there ever be peace in the Middle East?"
We can't even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That's why.
—
Breaking Sad (@aka_fatman) August 21, 2014
"How's school going son?"
[flashback to me drawing a penis in textbook]
-Pretty good, dad. Pretty good."
—
joe (@_knuck_) October 12, 2014
****
"Dad I got all A's this term!"
I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR GRADES! WERE YOU A PLEASURE TO HAVE IN CLASS?!
—
PaperWash© (@PaperWash) November 04, 2014
He's an LOL and I'm more of a haha, but we make it work. You've got to embrace differences.
*bank teller just stares at me*
—
pin up teacher (@pinupteacher) November 04, 2014
****
"Son, we only had u so I could be Luke Skywalker for Halloween & u could be Yoda"
"Ok"
"Youre too big now, time to move out I guess"
"I'm 9"
—
Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) November 03, 2014
Every winter is the winter of my discontent. Most summers, too. All of them, really. All of the seasons.
—
Ding Dang Ol Brad (@Lunchaballin) November 04, 2014
****
Me: grandma come over
Grandma: i cant, im too old
Me: my parents left me alone at the house with no food
Grandma: http://t.co/lmj982YDQk
—
Ronㅤ (@RRON_) November 14, 2014
*rubs lamp*
Genie: "you get three wishes"
Me: "I wish I wasn't so alone"
Genie: "k wow I'm like right here"
—
The Platypus King (@DillDoes) July 30, 2014
****
[Walks up to family with 5 kids]
Don't you think all of this
*motions to 5 kids*
Is a little excessive?
—
Tim (@Playing_Dad) October 30, 2014
Thanks for choosing UPS to ship your package. Would you like to purchase insurance in case we fuck up the only job we're supposed to do?
—
Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) February 10, 2014
@ElleOhHell Is there anything that I can help you with today Elle? ^ej @UPS
—
UPS Customer Support (@UPSHelp) February 15, 2014
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