Saturday Calls For Chuckles

People always go, "Why can't there ever be peace in the Middle East?" We can't even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That's why.

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Breaking Sad (@aka_fatman) August 21, 2014

"How's school going son?" [flashback to me drawing a penis in textbook] -Pretty good, dad. Pretty good."

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joe (@_knuck_) October 12, 2014

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"Dad I got all A's this term!" I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR GRADES! WERE YOU A PLEASURE TO HAVE IN CLASS?!

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PaperWash© (@PaperWash) November 04, 2014

He's an LOL and I'm more of a haha, but we make it work. You've got to embrace differences. *bank teller just stares at me*

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pin up teacher (@pinupteacher) November 04, 2014

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"Son, we only had u so I could be Luke Skywalker for Halloween & u could be Yoda" "Ok" "Youre too big now, time to move out I guess" "I'm 9"

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Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) November 03, 2014

Every winter is the winter of my discontent. Most summers, too. All of them, really. All of the seasons.

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Ding Dang Ol Brad (@Lunchaballin) November 04, 2014

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Me: grandma come over Grandma: i cant, im too old Me: my parents left me alone at the house with no food Grandma: http://t.co/lmj982YDQk

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Ronㅤ (@RRON_) November 14, 2014

*rubs lamp* Genie: "you get three wishes" Me: "I wish I wasn't so alone" Genie: "k wow I'm like right here"

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The Platypus King (@DillDoes) July 30, 2014

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[Walks up to family with 5 kids] Don't you think all of this *motions to 5 kids* Is a little excessive?

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Tim (@Playing_Dad) October 30, 2014

Thanks for choosing UPS to ship your package. Would you like to purchase insurance in case we fuck up the only job we're supposed to do?

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Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) February 10, 2014

@ElleOhHell Is there anything that I can help you with today Elle? ^ej @UPS

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UPS Customer Support (@UPSHelp) February 15, 2014

Making Sure Fraud Gets Punished? Thanks, President Obama And AG Holder

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NYT: Justice Dept. Sets Record In Penalties For Fraud

The Justice Department collected a record $24.7 billion in penalties from fraud and other cases in the 2014 fiscal year, the agency said on Wednesday, as fines against banks for financial misconduct soared. Collections from civil and criminal actions, including money collected on behalf of other agencies, was $8 billion in 2013, and $13 billion in 2012. Collections in 2014 were bolstered by multibillion-dollar payouts from JPMorgan Chase and Citigroup to resolve claims they misled investors about the quality of mortgage bonds in the run-up to the financial crisis, and include $11 billion in payments made to federal agencies or states. Payouts in the 2014 fiscal year, which ended Sept. 30, also include hundreds of millions of dollars in fines levied on UBS and Royal Bank of Scotland.

More here

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A Tweet or Two

Obama shows fellow Democrats, Republicans and the U.S. public that he won’t play lame duck bloom.bg/1uZDnMC http://t.co/OErXYjuOSW

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Bloomberg News (@BloombergNews) November 21, 2014

University of California expanding its legal services for immigrant students following president's immigration order. nbcbay.com/Gqc9j92

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NBC Bay Area (@nbcbayarea) November 21, 2014

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Univision's Jorge Ramos Calls President Obama Executive Action a "Triumph For The Latino Community" wp.me/p5HMd-f5wj via @TIMEPolitics

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JORGE RAMOS (@jorgeramosnews) November 20, 2014

At Latin Grammy Awards, a celebration of Obama's immigration actions (with translation) ti.me/1xTYiR1

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  (@michaelscherer) November 21, 2014

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Just because the right is enraged, doesn't mean Obama's immigration action is illegal or his methods unprecedented newrepublic.com/article/120342…

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Brian Beutler (@brianbeutler) November 20, 2014

On Immigration, Obama Isn’t the Radical One newyorker.com/news/john-cass… via @newyorker

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Steve Weinstein (@steveweinstein) November 20, 2014

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Dem governor of MO declares state of emergency due to peaceful protesters while GOP senator of OK threatens violence over immigration. Yup.

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We Be Du Bois (@eclecticbrotha) November 20, 2014

If theft was treated like rape... http://t.co/6U7TrBIywX

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SaraJoyM (@Tempibones) November 19, 2014

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Why is it that the people who want immigrants to learn English can't write a grammatically correct English sentence? #ImmigrationAction

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Harold Itzkowitz (@HaroldItz) November 21, 2014

#ImmigrationAction Division of land is caused by nature. The lines in between are drawn by men. It's only land. http://t.co/ndFbKJd4mm

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Brandi Williams (@BrThWi01) November 21, 2014

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this convo between my brother and his best friend just warms my heart so much. And they're only 13. http://t.co/59F8b0WJLD

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✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ (@paleveil) November 08, 2014

A 13-Year-Old Came Out To His Best “Bro” Over Text Message, His Bro Had The Best Response buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/… http://t.co/lQ78KcSHNh

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  (@BuzzFeed) November 21, 2014

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Most dangerous weapon protesters appear to have: 75-year-old Walter Rice's metal bucket and banging spoon #Ferguson http://t.co/CZpDDVibAL

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Jon Swaine (@jonswaine) November 20, 2014

Bill Maher: You do have to admit there's ppl out there who wanna kill Americans? Mos Def: Uhh yeahhh, some of them are called the police.

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Rinascità (@InMirzWords) November 18, 2014

Love this: Local artist covering boarded-up #Ferguson business with hands of all colours, all ages http://t.co/2XeYvH4QEZ

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Mitch Potter (@MPwrites) November 19, 2014

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Hope the Republicans on this week's Sunday shows are editing all of their #Benghazi talking points: bigstory.ap.org/article/ecc3a3…

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Jon Favreau (@jonfavs) November 21, 2014

How Fox News Dismissed Today's Benghazi Report in Less Than 30 Seconds bit.ly/1zKPgGj (By @TheMattWilstein) http://t.co/hAi4lIPbG3

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  (@Mediaite) November 21, 2014

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Conservative politics 1. White GOP Man wins: "People have spoken" 2. DEM woman wins: "Voter Fraud" 3. Black DEM man wins: "Muslim Kenyan"

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Tea Pain (@TeaPainUSA) November 19, 2014

Remember when Bush lost the house and senate, refused to change his views and the Dems shut the government down like babies? Me neither.

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Steve Marmel (@Marmel) November 19, 2014

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.@ron_fournier Ron do you understand that this is exactly what the Affordable Care Act is? nationaljournal.com/politics/the-e… http://t.co/h37HIFvGOD

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  (@kept_simple) November 17, 2014

These retailers are doing the RIGHT thing by not making their employees work on #Thanksgiving thinkprogress.org/economy/2014/1… http://t.co/haxKc0j5SA

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  (@SEIU) November 19, 2014

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For a Kenyan-born socialist that was a remarkable assertion of what it means to be an American! Bravo Mr President. http://t.co/TljvVP60r7

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Martin Bashir (@MartinBashir) November 21, 2014

Hey @GOP @FoxNews...a graphic of executive orders per year by Presidents since Lincoln #Facts http://t.co/YuLGmEdqvo

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Cordell Simmons (@cordellsimmons) November 21, 2014

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Nothing like 8 failed Benghazi investigations, a ridiculous lawsuit & 999 Obama repeals to remind you that the GOP loves wasting your money.

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  (@LOLGOP) November 21, 2014

Solyndra, IRS, Benghazi all turned out to be vaporware. But we should take the next one seriously.

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David Roberts (@drgrist) November 21, 2014

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AP: House Intel Panel Debunks Many Benghazi Theories

A two-year investigation by the Republican-controlled House Intelligence Committee has found that the CIA and the military acted properly in responding to the 2012 attack on a U.S. diplomatic compound in Benghazi, Libya, and asserted no wrongdoing by Obama administration appointees. Debunking a series of persistent allegations hinting at dark conspiracies, the investigation of the politically charged incident determined that there was no intelligence failure, no delay in sending a CIA rescue team, no missed opportunity for a military rescue, and no evidence the CIA was covertly shipping arms from Libya to Syria. In the immediate aftermath of the attack, intelligence about who carried it out and why was contradictory, the report found. That led Susan Rice, then U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, to inaccurately assert that the attack had evolved from a protest, when in fact there had been no protest. But it was intelligence analysts, not political appointees, who made the wrong call, the committee found. The report did not conclude that Rice or any other government official acted in bad faith or intentionally misled the American people.

More here

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The House GOP was gonna come out with a different report, but then all of a sudden the computer began deleting the bad stuff by itself

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Adam Serwer (@AdamSerwer) November 21, 2014

Oh, and lets not forget the part played by Mitt Romney and Reince Priebus, who were firing off press releases WHILE THE ATTACK WAS ONGOING

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Zeddonymous (@ZeddRebel) November 21, 2014

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Massachusetts exchange is "kicking ass so far" -- Gaba acasignups.net/14/11/21/updat… …

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xpostfactoid (@xpostfactoid1) November 22, 2014

Unemployment claims lowest since 2000. So everyone who called the ACA job-killing has admitted they were lying? cnbc.com/id/102200071

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  (@LOLGOP) November 21, 2014

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Angry + Internet = Unconstitutional

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David Waldman (@KagroX) November 21, 2014

House Benghazi Subcommittee debunks findings of the "FW: FW: FW: Obungler" email from your Uncle worried about the direction of the country.

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  (@pourmecoffee) November 21, 2014

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Even if you're a legal citizen, you should come out of the shadows. Seriously, it's weird and you're creeping everyone out.

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  (@pourmecoffee) November 21, 2014

Obama: "Alright stop, collaborate, and listen. There was a problem, yo I solved it."

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  (@pourmecoffee) November 21, 2014

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Good job, Britain. "Monty Python's 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life' tops the funeral charts" theguardian.com/social-enterpr…

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  (@pourmecoffee) November 22, 2014

Never forget the timeless classics, people http://t.co/bDXXz552VB

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  (@pourmecoffee) November 21, 2014

Rise and Shine

On This Day: Members of the audience cheer as President Obama delivers remarks on the American Jobs Act at Manchester Central High School in Manchester, N.H., Nov. 22, 2011 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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 The President has no public events scheduled this weekend

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On This Day

First Lady Michelle Obama joins students for a “Let’s Move!” Salad Bars to Schools launch event at Riverside Elementary School in Miami, Fla., Nov. 22, 2010 (Photo by Chuck Kennedy)

President Obama shares a lighter moment during a meeting in the Situation Room of the White House, Nov. 22, 2010 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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President Obama at Manchester High School Central, N.H., Nov 22, 2011

President Obama visits with the Corkery family during a stop at Julien’s Corner Kitchen in Manchester, N.H., Nov. 22, 2011 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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President Obama jokes with players from the Oregon State University basketball team in the Oval Office on Thanksgiving Day, Nov. 22, 2012. The team’s head coach is Craig Robinson, brother of First Lady Michelle Obama. (Photo by Pete Souza)

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MoooOOOooorning!

Early Bird Chat

On This Day: President Obama at Manchester High School Central, N.H., Nov 22, 2011

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MoooOOOooorning – Happy Saturday!