Saturday Calls For Chuckles

People always go, "Why can't there ever be peace in the Middle East?"
We can't even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That's why.

— Vault 69 Boy (@aka_fatman) August 21, 2014

https://twitter.com/_knuck_/status/521138451723616256

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"Dad I got all A's this term!"

I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR GRADES! WERE YOU A PLEASURE TO HAVE IN CLASS?!

— paperwash© (@PaperWash) November 4, 2014

https://twitter.com/pinupteacher/status/529758610470240256

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"Son, we only had u so I could be Luke Skywalker for Halloween & u could be Yoda"
"Ok"
"Youre too big now, time to move out I guess"
"I'm 9"

— Good Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) November 3, 2014

Every winter is the winter of my discontent. Most summers, too. All of them, really. All of the seasons.

— Professor Broke (@Lunchaballin) November 4, 2014

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https://twitter.com/RRON_/status/533260081174155264

https://twitter.com/DillDoes/status/494571265206652929

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[Walks up to family with 5 kids]
Don't you think all of this
*motions to 5 kids*
Is a little excessive?

— Tim (@Playing_Dad) October 30, 2014

Thanks for choosing UPS to ship your package. Would you like to purchase insurance in case we fuck up the only job we're supposed to do?

— Please like (@FormerHumorist) February 10, 2014

https://twitter.com/UPSHelp/status/434818322665078786

Making Sure Fraud Gets Punished? Thanks, President Obama And AG Holder

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NYT: Justice Dept. Sets Record In Penalties For Fraud

The Justice Department collected a record $24.7 billion in penalties from fraud and other cases in the 2014 fiscal year, the agency said on Wednesday, as fines against banks for financial misconduct soared. Collections from civil and criminal actions, including money collected on behalf of other agencies, was $8 billion in 2013, and $13 billion in 2012. Collections in 2014 were bolstered by multibillion-dollar payouts from JPMorgan Chase and Citigroup to resolve claims they misled investors about the quality of mortgage bonds in the run-up to the financial crisis, and include $11 billion in payments made to federal agencies or states. Payouts in the 2014 fiscal year, which ended Sept. 30, also include hundreds of millions of dollars in fines levied on UBS and Royal Bank of Scotland.

More here

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A Tweet or Two

Obama shows fellow Democrats, Republicans and the U.S. public that he won’t play lame duck http://t.co/fbib6N2l7o pic.twitter.com/OErXYjuOSW

— Bloomberg (@business) November 21, 2014

University of California expanding its legal services for immigrant students following president's immigration order. http://t.co/ZaYav6URqr

— NBC Bay Area (@nbcbayarea) November 21, 2014

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Univision's Jorge Ramos Calls President Obama Executive Action a "Triumph For The Latino Community" http://t.co/kwVXSioSS4 via @TIMEPolitics

— JORGE RAMOS (@jorgeramosnews) November 20, 2014

https://twitter.com/michaelscherer/status/535646145943732225

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Just because the right is enraged, doesn't mean Obama's immigration action is illegal or his methods unprecedented http://t.co/uJrdwxoh2a

— Brian Beutler (@brianbeutler) November 20, 2014

On Immigration, Obama Isn’t the Radical One http://t.co/yo2MeBwxQF via @newyorker

— Steve Weinstein (@steveweinstein) November 20, 2014

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Dem governor of MO declares state of emergency due to peaceful protesters while GOP senator of OK threatens violence over immigration. Yup.

— Ragnarok Lobster (@eclecticbrotha) November 20, 2014

If theft was treated like rape... pic.twitter.com/6U7TrBIywX

— JOYSMARZ (@Tempibones) November 19, 2014

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Why is it that the people who want immigrants to learn English can't write a grammatically correct English sentence? #ImmigrationAction

— Harold Itzkowitz (@HaroldItz) November 21, 2014

#ImmigrationAction Division of land is caused by nature. The lines in between are drawn by men. It's only land. pic.twitter.com/ndFbKJd4mm

— Engaged Citizen (@BrThWi01) November 21, 2014

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https://twitter.com/paleveil/status/531067432979279872

A 13-Year-Old Came Out To His Best “Bro” Over Text Message, His Bro Had The Best Response http://t.co/OYgPaARpI8 pic.twitter.com/lQ78KcSHNh

— BuzzFeed (@BuzzFeed) November 21, 2014

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Most dangerous weapon protesters appear to have: 75-year-old Walter Rice's metal bucket and banging spoon #Ferguson pic.twitter.com/CZpDDVibAL

— Jon Swaine (@jonswaine) November 20, 2014

Bill Maher: You do have to admit there's ppl out there who wanna kill Americans?

Mos Def: Uhh yeahhh, some of them are called the police.

— مريم (@inmirzwords) November 18, 2014

Love this: Local artist covering boarded-up #Ferguson business with hands of all colours, all ages pic.twitter.com/2XeYvH4QEZ

— Mitch Potter (@MPwrites) November 19, 2014

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https://twitter.com/jonfavs/status/535937471234985986

How Fox News Dismissed Today's Benghazi Report in Less Than 30 Seconds http://t.co/Hh4z5BVXry (By @TheMattWilstein) pic.twitter.com/hAi4lIPbG3

— Mediaite (@Mediaite) November 21, 2014

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Conservative politics
1. White GOP Man wins: "People have spoken"
2. DEM woman wins: "Voter Fraud"
3. Black DEM man wins: "Muslim Kenyan"

— Tea Pain (@TeaPainUSA) November 19, 2014

https://twitter.com/Marmel/status/535056357024464896

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https://twitter.com/kept_simple/status/534369014353768448

These retailers are doing the RIGHT thing by not making their employees work on #Thanksgiving http://t.co/IWRse1o5Nz pic.twitter.com/haxKc0j5SA

— SEIU (@SEIU) November 19, 2014

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https://twitter.com/MartinBashir/status/535605028929961984

Hey @GOP @FoxNews...a graphic of executive orders per year by Presidents since Lincoln #Facts pic.twitter.com/YuLGmEdqvo

— c͡o͡r͡d͡e͡l͡l͡🔅 (@cordellsimmons) November 21, 2014

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Nothing like 8 failed Benghazi investigations, a ridiculous lawsuit & 999 Obama repeals to remind you that the GOP loves wasting your money.

— L O L G O P (@LOLGOP) November 21, 2014

https://twitter.com/drgrist/status/535928674281717760

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AP: House Intel Panel Debunks Many Benghazi Theories

A two-year investigation by the Republican-controlled House Intelligence Committee has found that the CIA and the military acted properly in responding to the 2012 attack on a U.S. diplomatic compound in Benghazi, Libya, and asserted no wrongdoing by Obama administration appointees. Debunking a series of persistent allegations hinting at dark conspiracies, the investigation of the politically charged incident determined that there was no intelligence failure, no delay in sending a CIA rescue team, no missed opportunity for a military rescue, and no evidence the CIA was covertly shipping arms from Libya to Syria. In the immediate aftermath of the attack, intelligence about who carried it out and why was contradictory, the report found. That led Susan Rice, then U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, to inaccurately assert that the attack had evolved from a protest, when in fact there had been no protest. But it was intelligence analysts, not political appointees, who made the wrong call, the committee found. The report did not conclude that Rice or any other government official acted in bad faith or intentionally misled the American people.

More here

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https://twitter.com/AdamSerwer/status/535931731770376192

Oh, and lets not forget the part played by Mitt Romney and Reince Priebus, who were firing off press releases WHILE THE ATTACK WAS ONGOING

— zeddy (@Zeddary) November 21, 2014

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Massachusetts exchange is "kicking ass so far" -- Gaba http://t.co/Xxfd1b4Jue …

— xpostfactoid (@xpostfactoid) November 22, 2014

Unemployment claims lowest since 2000.

So everyone who called the ACA job-killing has admitted they were lying? http://t.co/hOfhPuvCFO

— L O L G O P (@LOLGOP) November 21, 2014

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Angry + Internet = Unconstitutional

— David Waldman - @KagroX@mstdn.party (@KagroX) November 21, 2014

House Benghazi Subcommittee debunks findings of the "FW: FW: FW: Obungler" email from your Uncle worried about the direction of the country.

— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) November 21, 2014

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Even if you're a legal citizen, you should come out of the shadows. Seriously, it's weird and you're creeping everyone out.

— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) November 21, 2014

Obama: "Alright stop, collaborate, and listen. There was a problem, yo I solved it."

— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) November 21, 2014

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Good job, Britain. "Monty Python's 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life' tops the funeral charts" http://t.co/DecAhI6yjA

— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) November 22, 2014

Never forget the timeless classics, people pic.twitter.com/bDXXz552VB

— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) November 21, 2014

Rise and Shine

On This Day: Members of the audience cheer as President Obama delivers remarks on the American Jobs Act at Manchester Central High School in Manchester, N.H., Nov. 22, 2011 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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 The President has no public events scheduled this weekend

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On This Day

First Lady Michelle Obama joins students for a “Let’s Move!” Salad Bars to Schools launch event at Riverside Elementary School in Miami, Fla., Nov. 22, 2010 (Photo by Chuck Kennedy)

President Obama shares a lighter moment during a meeting in the Situation Room of the White House, Nov. 22, 2010 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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President Obama at Manchester High School Central, N.H., Nov 22, 2011

President Obama visits with the Corkery family during a stop at Julien’s Corner Kitchen in Manchester, N.H., Nov. 22, 2011 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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President Obama jokes with players from the Oregon State University basketball team in the Oval Office on Thanksgiving Day, Nov. 22, 2012. The team’s head coach is Craig Robinson, brother of First Lady Michelle Obama. (Photo by Pete Souza)

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MoooOOOooorning!

Early Bird Chat

On This Day: President Obama at Manchester High School Central, N.H., Nov 22, 2011

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MoooOOOooorning – Happy Saturday!