[cow at Starbucks]
"Oh I'll just have a black coffee please"
*winks at son*
—
Jazmasta (@jazmasta) November 07, 2014
[by water cooler]
jeff: I hate shoe shopping with my wife
ben: I hate it more
adam who controversially married an octopus: not as much as me
—
Brent (@murrman5) November 06, 2014
****
Just burned my mouth taking a sip of coffee, so, yes, I do understand what it's like when a loved one betrays you.
—
caprice crane (@capricecrane) November 03, 2014
Folks, some shocking allegations coming across my facebook newsfeed http://t.co/66ycNvDyqE
—
Danksgiving Turkey (@dankmtl) November 06, 2014
****
"Stop calling me your roommate. I'm your husband and the father of your children." -My Roommate
—
Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) June 11, 2013
*slowly presses Werther's original into your hand and forces your fingers closed around it*
Shhhh, shh shh shhhh...I'm your grandpa now.
—
Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) November 02, 2014
****
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
—
Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) October 21, 2014
yeah, we r a non-traditional family. instead of naming our dog, we let him name us. I'm Woof, this is my husband Woof, & these r Woof & Woof
—
Dave Dittell (@davedittell) April 15, 2013
****
it's impossible for me to justify raking leaves when i know these asshole trees are going to pull this exact same bullshit next year
—
mustard (@nice_mustard) October 21, 2014
it's 1am where were you?
work
theres glitter on your shirt, were you at a strip club?
[flashes back to doing crafts with phil] yes, im sorry
—
Brent (@murrman5) November 02, 2014
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