Saturday Means Laugh Laugh Laugh

[puts cup attached to string against ear] "uh hello?" new cup who dis

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chuuch (@ch000ch) November 03, 2014

Him: You hang up first. Me: *click

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Denise! (@Stellacopter) March 05, 2013

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"our little jack just turned 39 months today--" hold on let me whip out my god damn TI-83 for this one

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nicole (@relatabledad) September 26, 2014

how do i tell a girl i love you without it being obvious that im talking to her dog

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chuuch (@ch000ch) October 23, 2014

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god: come to church me: sorry im busy god: my parents aren't home me: http://t.co/32UqIvysyy

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chuuch (@ch000ch) October 17, 2014

When I was going into surgery my dad said "Good luck w/ your surgery" and I said "you too" so now my dad has to get surgery too, he's pissed

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patrick (@tastefactory) October 06, 2014

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[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you "..y..o..u..'r..e.."

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chuuch (@ch000ch) October 06, 2014

When you delete someone's number from your phone it'd be cool if they heard a dumpster lid slamming shut on their end

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Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) April 10, 2014

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Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions

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Ryantractor (@rzarosco) December 24, 2012

barista: uh did u just say "venti ebola macchiato" me: don't be ridiculous. i said a grande ebola macchiato.

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chuuch (@ch000ch) October 03, 2014

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sometimes i wonder if my fish look at me through the aquarium glass and think "fuck off nerd."

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chuuch (@ch000ch) October 03, 2014

bicycle cop: im taking you to jail me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you [segway cop just dying laughing]

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EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) November 03, 2014

Saturday Means Laugh Out Loud

Are there monsters under my bed? There's not a monster, no. I said monsters and you answered in singular. Did I? Well, good night, Son.

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Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) October 24, 2014

*pushes bystanders aside* Move, I speak drunk girl. Wooooo wooo oh yea "Wooo... Woooo yeaa" *nods* She says she fell down and hurt her knee

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  (@noog) October 25, 2014

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*car breaks down* *blows in car hood like a nintendo cartridge* ok try now

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eeethan (@eeethanford) October 23, 2014

We think we're so much smarter than animals, but no animal's ever seen a commercial and thought, 'Hmm, maybe I should try that new shampoo.'

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Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) October 06, 2014

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[grocery store] Well well well, you want somma this? Ma'am, for the last time we need you to take the melons out of your bra and leave!

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Lesley (@echobunny9203) October 15, 2014

[my work enemy steve reaches in the basket of muffins my wife made] don't do it steve "hey everyone come watch me eat brent's wife's muffin"

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Brent (@murrman5) October 24, 2014

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Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

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Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) January 29, 2014

Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing

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shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) December 26, 2013

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computers are an insane wizard miracle that grants you all the knowledge and art of our beautiful species or you can scream at women I guess

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Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) October 15, 2014

When your wife leaves you so you have to pack your own lunch for work http://t.co/Gf0PQ6bmwo

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Dated Taylor Swift (@sam_reginald) October 16, 2014

A Tweet Or Two

Look at all the effs I give about your thoughts regarding this nomination... http://t.co/sW1hgpRK2c

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April (@ReignOfApril) November 08, 2014

Angola's $122 billion economy is now sub-Saharan Africa's third largest: bloom.bg/1zsdacp http://t.co/iRrd3ZSTk6

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Bloomberg News (@BloombergNews) November 08, 2014

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Loretta Lynch: 5 Things to Know About the Next Attorney General theroot.com/articles/polit… via @TheRoot. What a great role model.

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Donna Brazile (@donnabrazile) November 08, 2014

at NC school, white administrators disbelieved Loretta Lynch's high test score. Made her retake. She scored HIGHER @donnabrazile @TheRoot

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John Harwood (@JohnJHarwood) November 08, 2014

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@JohnJHarwood @donnabrazile @TheRoot intelligent gifted people of color,routinely scrutinized for surpassing expectations of their ability

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Jean Lewis Roche (@lewisroche) November 08, 2014

hard for white people (me) to imagine what that disbelief would feel like @lewisroche @donnabrazile @TheRoot

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John Harwood (@JohnJHarwood) November 08, 2014

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Most consistent email complaint from readers about Michael Brown/Ferguson coverage: use of the word "unarmed" to describe him

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W.J. Lowery (@WesleyLowery) November 08, 2014

Not a day goes by that someone doesn't email to assert that describing Brown as "unarmed" during altercation with Wilson is evidence of bias

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W.J. Lowery (@WesleyLowery) November 08, 2014

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Chat On

‏@dougmillsnyt

A Political System On Life Support

The results of Tuesday’s “earth shattering” election are quite revelatory, but not for the reasons bruited about by your average MSNBC/Fox/CNN vacuous pundit.

Although President Obama won’t use the word—and bless him for it—it was a “shellacking” which the voters meted out to the Democratic Party. But let’s examine this “mandate” a bit further.

The turnout for the midterm election stands at 36%, a low not seen since the 1940s. That’s 36% of registered voters. Voter registration in its turn doesn’t encompass all eligible voters. This Al Jazeera article has this telling paragraph:

Election turnout is often cited as an indicator of the strength of the mandate of winning candidates, but it can be a misleading statistic: Turnout is usually measured as a proportion of registered voters rather than of those eligible to vote — and census numbers show that more than 70 million U.S. citizens of voting age are not registered voters.

Get that? 70 million Americans who are eligible to vote aren’t even registered. What does this mean? That the number of registered voters is at best a bare majority of eligible voters. And then that the voters who turned out were a minority of that number. And then that the GOP “landslide” depended on a further minority of registered voters, which in turn doesn’t account for all eligible voters.

This opens up a veritable cornucopia of delicious dysfunction.

Introducing Loretta Lynch

11:25 AM EDT: The President announces his intention to nominate Loretta Lynch to be the next Attorney General

Rise and Shine

On This Day: President Barack Obama greets audience members after delivering remarks on infrastructure, the economy, and creating jobs by increasing exports, at the Port of New Orleans in New Orleans, La., Nov. 8, 2013 (by Pete Souza)

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Today

11:10 AM: The President will announce his intention to nominate Loretta Lynch to be the next Attorney General

After midnight (12:45): The President leaves for China

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November 10-16: China, Burma and Australia

November 10-12

In China, President Obama will attend the APEC Leaders Meeting and APEC CEO Summit. He will then participate in a state visit with President Xi Jinping of China.

November 12-14

In Burma, the President will attend the East Asia Summit (EAS) and the U.S.-ASEAN Summit in Nay Pi Taw, and hold a bilateral meeting with President Thein Sein. In Rangoon on November 14, the President will participate in a town hall event with participants in the Young Southeast Asian Leaders Initiative (YSEALI) and meet with Aung San Suu Kyi.

November 15-16

In Brisbane, Australia, the President will participate in the G20 Leaders Summit and deliver a speech on U.S. leadership in the Asia-Pacific.

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If you read one thing this week…..

‘Democrats’ strategy: run away from PBO while cynically using him to turn out black vote’ http://t.co/G2BALQ03E8 pic.twitter.com/vS9fbE6Ep7

— TheObamaDiary.com (@TheObamaDiary) November 7, 2014

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On This Day

First Lady Michelle Obama, accompanied by children from low income communities in the region, tours the National Craft Museum in New Delhi, India, Nov. 8, 2010 (Photo by Chuck Kennedy)

President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama, along with President Pratibha Devisingh Patil and her husband, Dr. Devisingh Ramsingh Shekhawat, greet guests during the state dinner at Rashtrapati Bhavan, the presidential palace, in New Delhi, India, Nov. 8, 2010 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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MoooOOOooorning!

Early Bird Chat

On This Day: President Barack Obama says goodbye to students after a visit to the Yeadon Regional Head Start Center in Yeadon, Pa., Nov. 8, 2011 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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MoooOOOooorning – Happy Saturday!