Me: Excuse me sir, what's your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
—
Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) June 14, 2014[sex ed class]
Abstinence is the only 100% effective form of birth control.
*Virgin Mary raises her hand*
—
brandon from school (@bakedbrotatoes) August 24, 2014****
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: "We're about to start rolling. Look alive people!"
*actors look around confused as heck*
—
Birthday Cow (Moo) (@Brampersandon_) August 20, 2014"dad mom wont tell me where babies come from"
*dad slams newspaper down*
DAMN THAT WOMAN & HER SECRETS
*clenches fists*
WHY WONT SHE TELL US
—
EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) January 14, 2014****
"Why'd you name me Carson, dad?"
You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It's time for tablemeal.
—
George (@George_404) April 05, 2014Im here to kick ass and give names
"Don't you mean-"
*punches him*
Shut up Keith. You're Keith now.
—
Platypus King (@DillDoes) June 19, 2014****
Welcome to stealing 101, please take a seat
*everyone sits*
*one guy runs off with a chair*
Learn from him
—
Platypus King (@DillDoes) May 27, 2014why is it always license & registration why can't the officer ask me how my day has been
—
EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) August 13, 2014****
Why don't you make like a tree and use photosynthesis to turn sunlight into energy, then use that energy to fuck off
—
Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) May 08, 2014*Kool-Aid Man bursts through the wall of his family home*
"OH YEAAAH- OH NOOOOOOOOOO"
*his wife is in straddling a Capri Sun in their bed*
—
Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) July 08, 2014****
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Unless you're already dead then play something else like ghost chess.
—
David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 16, 2013*jumps on table and fires gun in the air*
"Everybody down!"
*everyone drops*
"I didn't say..."
*loads another mag*
"Simon says"
—
Stevie Nips (@StevieKnip) April 22, 2014****
*disciples at the last supper*
*jesus stands up*
let's play "never have i ever" never have i ever betrayed the Son of God
*stares at judas*
—
EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) November 08, 2013My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn't act the way he wanted.
—
(@noog) May 31, 2012****
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
"Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
—
David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 01, 2014*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
"Is this for here or to go?"
Uh. To go
"Do you want guac?"
Sure
"It's extra"
—
Spookerdeadle (@OneTrickTofani) September 06, 2014
The Obama Diary 
Seriously?
😎 Thank yooooooou Nerdy, they are a hoot – how the heck do you find them?!
She follows every funny person on Twitter. That’s how!
Including Chuck Todd??!! 🙂
My guess is old Chuckie blocks her. He’s a big baby, dontcha know. 🙂
I’m a Chelsea FC person. We’re just A-W-E-S-O-M-E like that.
Happy you enjoyed them, Chips.
Ooooooooooooh, I could never really judge you. Manchester United, however…
BREAKING: The Beard Is Gone!1!1!
Even the French are covering this sensation:
“Roy Keane, RIP la barbe”
😆 http://www.lequipe.fr/Football/Actualites/Roy-keane-rip-la-barbe/505912
I gather he was finally greeted by the Paddle of Rebuke.
Chips!
Love these bedtime funnies. Thank you NE.
Ok these are good.
You’re welcome, Vetivera24.
Evening vetivera24!
Hellooooo Chips!
Looking goooood! ((((HF2))))
Welcome to San Fran POTUS.
Evening all.
I now have my CPAP machine. I expect blissful sleep FROM THE VERY FIRST NIGHT.
No, no, I don’t, I expect there will be a learning curve. And of course, blissful sleep isn’t the only purpose of the CPAP. Treating apnea and avoiding nasty things like high BP, heart disease, diabetes, and other assorted nasties factor into it.
So, see everyone tomorrow. Off to recover from a busy day.
sweet dreams…. does it allow sweet dreams?
I’ll have to look that up in the literature.
I have a keen interest in hearing how the first night went, Lib_L. Truth is I’m *supposed* to be considering whether I could hack this route or not and I decided not without ever factoring in my high BP.
Well. What the very knowledgeable tech explained was to not expect to sleep the entire 8 hours with the device off the bat. If I do, I’m a rockstar. But the neat thing about this device is that if I’m trying to fall asleep and find the air pressure to be too much, I can dial it down for an hour to allow me to doze off.
We already know you are a rock star, so go to sleep so that you can prove the tech wrong! 😀 Plus, I’ll actually reconsider if you actually get over 5 hours uninterrupted right off the bat.
Hope you have a good set of earplugs.
As your wife would no doubt tell you, that thing has to be washed carefully after every use. No shortcuts!
I should have added or ‘bt’s claim of furst’.
psst! Kettles don’t really look like this anymore.
They do in my kitchen!1!1!
And your kitchen accepts this affront? Hmmm…. you are still 23, are you?
The tweets from the last two threads have me both smdh and lmao — just like life. Thanks NW!
Perfect recap of NW’s tweet selections! Just like life. We gotta laugh through all the craziness.
Hear! Hear! Ms. J’OB.
❤
You’re welcome, PJ.
Did the Denver Post become a Murdoch rag?
possibly my favorite piece of film monologue is the one David Carradine delivers in “Kill Bill, Vol. 2”, where he goes on a long disquisition on Superman/Clark Kent. Superman is the real identity, whereas Clark is Superman’s commentary on humanity.
Ok, night folks. See y’all on the flip. Keep it frosty.
Sleep well LL!
Night! Rest well and ‘dream big’
you’re going to wake up with a nasty cold.
And we have not even covered giving #danny a bath territory yet.
2
s’rsly, where the hell is that dood?
SO, I keep going back to this article often because the author offers such common sense advice to the candidates involved, and if they would listen they may just capture a few more deciding votes in Nov.
The advice came from this link at The People’s View – http://www.thepeoplesview.net/main/2014/9/28/t3walb8cpgg92y6rixec9eue3iad2b
Help! BTs, he-l-p! I have a fat comment stuck in moderation. I was feeling too lazy to do them individually – sorry. Will do better next time.
You’re free.
Thanks kindly, NerdyW. How are you anyways? – I have hardly been around to try and annoy you.
These are AWESOME!!!
Morning, D-ette! Aren’t they just! They are so ‘to the point’ that it’s a shame the candidates, or someone in their strategy team, won’t take them into serious consideration. The beginning of the post itself is a thing of truthful beauty – made me wonder how come nobody in any of the 3 campaigns had insight and courage enough to tell the candidate to stop treating ALL their voters like simplistic morAns.
Did anyone beside me see Senator Landrieu on Rev. Al dancing? She was doing good for a old white lady. I take that back, some white ladies can dance, dance real good.
Ha. Great question, amk. He’ll be scratching his dumb ol’ head all night.
Oi!
Hit ’em hard amk
Mark Knoller said, to all those asking about the cost to taxpayers of presidential political travel, read his piece posted yesterday. Only if he is posting Bush 1&2, Clinton, Reagen too.
Wassup Good People of TODville!!! 🙂
Please excuse, Sir. I didn’t receive the memo about the appointed time this evening.
My humblest apologies, ya cranky buzzard. 😀
Lalalalalala — what’s that you say? 🙂
JO’B:
Did you read the article?
Where was the MSM on these beauts?
. Two drowned children on Mark “Appalachia Trail” Sanford’s “Coosaw Plantation” property, and the wife most concerned about protecting their financial assets in case any more kids died there.
. The previously unexplained prohibition against Mark flying airplanes at children arose because “crazy cousin” John played “chicken” by flying an actual passenger airplane at the Sanford kids.
WTH???
Oh yeah, Mark “Appalachia Trail” Sanford was a deadbeat Dad, just like “family values” Joe Walsh was.
Love how these GOP men like women for what they can get from them, but shirk responsibility for their offspring.
From Sep 14:
http://wonkette.com/560154/dead-children-and-a-deadbeat-dad-mark-sanfords-sad-sleazy-divorce-hearing-transcript-exclusive-for-real
Unbelievable. Hadn’t heard all of that story, for sure. Reminds me of Joe Scar’s hushed-up story.
Birds of a feather …
Jeez, Japan just cannot catch a break.
Two weeks ago, Mount Ontake erupted, killing at least 50 people (they’re still recovering bodies).
Now a much-diminished SuperTyphoon Vongfong is headed toward Okinawa.
And today, a few minutes ago, a 6.3 magnitude earthquake.
bbl.
And I am outta here.
THIS is powerful.
Isn’t this lovely?
Beeeeautiful!
Gotta go y’all. See you tomorrow. Sleep well, rest easy! 🙂
good night TOD
http://rs717.pbsrc.com/albums/ww173/prestonjjrtr/Smileys/SleepWork.gif~c200
😆
Mooooooooooooooorning!
http://theobamadiary.com/2014/10/11/early-bird-chat-378/