End The Day With Laughs

*shakes wife awake* *whispers* Karen. Karen! Don't make any sudden moves...he's back again. http://t.co/4Xb5jPfXPL

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Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) August 20, 2014

APPLE: Have you ever been kayaking? 2ND APPLE: No. APPLE: I hear it's really good for your core. 2ND APPLE: I don't want to be in this tweet

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Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) September 20, 2014

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Son you're grounded BUT MOM *dad walks in* *son whispers in dad's ear* *dad nods* Sorry hon he's invoked bros before hos. Grounding revoked.

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Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 17, 2014

*travels back in time to middle ages* Me: and this is penicillin it- Villagers:SHOW US THAT EMOJI AGAIN I LIKE THE 1 WITH THE SUNGLASSES

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Sad Tree (@sad_tree) August 24, 2014

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*points to menu* "is the chicken natural?" [back in the kitchen a chicken with breasts spilling out of her top is chased by the chef] yes

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Brent (@murrman5) September 19, 2014

Mom, Dad, I'm going to be a magician. Let me show you a trick- *dad interrupts* IS IT THE ONE WHERE YOUR CHANCES OF GETTING LAID DISAPPEAR

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Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 19, 2014

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*gives up seat on bus for an old lady* *whispers in her ear* "This isn't over"

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Jazmasta (@jazmasta) July 02, 2014

Uncle Ned was a good man who was taken from us far too soon by emphysema. You might say… "Dan-" he went from coughin'- "DAN, NO!" to coffin

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dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 19, 2014

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"You can tell me anything, son. I will always love you." "I break the pasta before boiling it." "Farewell, little barbarian."

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Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 18, 2014

"Hello what's your emergency" OMG IT'S MY DAD HE ISN'T BREATHING "haha jk this is pizza hut" NOT cool bro...ok lemee get a large meat lovers

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dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 20, 2014

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I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."

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eric (@dubstep4dads) September 13, 2014

*looks down at my shirt* you got something against AC/DC? "no" then can I continue? "I suppose" dearly beloved, we are gathered here today t

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Brent (@murrman5) September 18, 2014

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Duck internet search history: Bread Bread pudding? what is "breadwinner" how to become breadwinner where to win bread Duck boobs Free bread

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Marin Hubka (@marinhubka) July 30, 2014

iggy azalea makes music for girls who are doing community service for stealing earrings from claires

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  (@dubstep4dads) August 12, 2014

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man...im so hungry i could- *i catch eye contact with a horse* "you could what?" *shows his gun* i could.. eat a sandwich "thought so."

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cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) June 05, 2013

Karen? "Yes?" *gets down on one knee* Will you... *gasp* ...please learn to tie your own fucking laces for gods sake...you're 38.

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GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) June 10, 2014

A Tweet Or Two

OMG, OMG!! President Barack Obama wrote me. He responded to my letter on health care and Ebola in Liberia. OMG!! OMG. h/t to @Our4thEstate

— KSK(africa) (@lawalazu) September 22, 2014

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Celebrate Democracy in America! National Voter Registration Day is 9/23. Events, register online. nationalvoterregistrationday.org #CelebrateNVRD

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ThisMagicalEarth (@MagicalEarth) September 22, 2014

Everything you need to know about Donald Trump’s political acumen -- in 1 tweet wapo.st/1si2M4w http://t.co/UDD6KUaqVO

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Aaron Blake (@AaronBlakeWP) September 22, 2014

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My son's homework just pissed me off. His answer made me proud, though. Read #6. http://t.co/Sa23T6MYRf

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Go Big Leci (@Leci_83) September 17, 2014

I was struck by the diversity of the #PeopleClimateMarch. It was like an anti-tea party rally. http://t.co/qfeQLQfogd

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Joshua Holland (@JoshuaHol) September 21, 2014

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Just saw a guy's fedora get blown off by the wind. If God ever tried to send a message to humankind, the time is now.

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Michael (@Home_Halfway) September 03, 2014

Still no update on "stop, drop and roll"? That's literally still the best advice we have for being on fire?

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Ryan (@rzarosco) August 29, 2014

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Health insurance premium increases are smaller since Obamacare. nyti.ms/1qZOc0u http://t.co/VRCGMY6qR6

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The Upshot (@UpshotNYT) September 22, 2014

The attacks on voting rights and abortion rights have followed strikingly similar paths. With @irin msnbc.com/msnbc/attacks-…

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Zachary Roth (@zackroth) September 22, 2014

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Yeah, @Politico, I'd get "mean" too if I got shotand my "friends" in Congress didn't care. klou.tt/13v8i3t3k58ol http://t.co/Qrxupo9r1K

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Steve Marmel (@Marmel) September 22, 2014

"I don't want to pay for your health care!" Well, I don't want to pay for your wars. Respect the compromises of a representative democracy.

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Steve Marmel (@Marmel) September 21, 2014

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Pres. Obama won't withdraw the nomination of Michael Boggs, despite Sen. Leahy's assertion he won't be confirmed roll.cl/1mCXZsc

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Roll Call (@rollcall) September 22, 2014

The House will work 19 days until end of year. But let's talk about Obama's vacations,shall we? H/T @AgainstTeaParty http://t.co/iJDiTu4YFh

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Steve Marmel (@Marmel) September 20, 2014

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This is how @cnn is referring to murder trial of Jordan Davis' killer. The "loud music trial" @Dreamdefenders http://t.co/NeNP8dtcHO

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  (@mcbyrne) September 22, 2014

@mcbyrne yet another attempt by @CNN to plumb new depths of hateful distortion. It's a trial of a racist murderer, period. @Dreamdefenders

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Bobfr (@Our4thEstate) September 22, 2014

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@thehill @BestOfTheLeft @cimarcos there is a Sen IR bill sitting on Boehner's desk/perhaps that meeting should be with Boehner instead.

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Pretty Foot (@PrettyFootWoman) September 22, 2014

it never does; MT @samsteinhp Mark Begich probably thought his vote against expanded background checks would protect him from NRA. It didnt

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Eric Boehlert (@EricBoehlert) September 22, 2014

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WTH?! RT @davidfrum: Politico calls Gabby Giffords “mean” for taking it personally that she was shot in the head politico.com/story/2014/09/…

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Eric Boehlert (@EricBoehlert) September 22, 2014

Court docs: Police found 800 rounds of ammo, a hatchet & machete, but no guns in car of WH intruder after his arrest last Friday.

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PETER MAER (@petermaercbs) September 22, 2014

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Omar Gonzalez was "arrested in July with a sniper rifle + a map marking the executive mansion" news.yahoo.com/white-house-fe… http://t.co/3ZHT0tFXko

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Garance Franke-Ruta (@thegarance) September 22, 2014

Omar Gonzalez, alleged White House jumper, was stopped carrying a hatchet around WH last month news.yahoo.com/white-house-fe…

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Ryan J. Reilly (@ryanjreilly) September 22, 2014

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"My name is Elizabeth and I'm running for the U.S. Senate because that's what girls do." -what @SenWarren told little girls #ignitechange

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Sara Gold (@saragold2) September 22, 2014

@saragold2 @KatrinaNation @SenWarren This was shared with my 7 year old daughter this summer. Its perfect. http://t.co/ATHTnusCSt

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Brian Gorman (@BrianGorman_IL) September 22, 2014

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Facebook is such a cool way to keep up with friends and family and find out how incredibly racist they all are.

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Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) September 16, 2014

#Scotland has changed its Facebook status from "married" to "it's complicated". #indyref http://t.co/kP9Gg0dtNO

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EU birdie (@EUbirdie) September 18, 2014

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How to leave an awkward situation vine.co/v/Out5ieFUgxE

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Diatonic Dissonance (@urbangaygriot) September 22, 2014

President Obama Signs The America’s Promise Summit Declaration

President Barack Obama signs the America’s Promise Summit Declaration, in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington. From left are, John Gomperts, President and CEO, America’s Promise Alliance, Alma Powell, Chair, America’s Promise Alliance, the president, former Secretary of State Colin Powell, and former Pennsylvania Sen. Harris Wofford.

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Text of the President’s remarks here

Information on America’s Promise here

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President Barack Obama answers a question about the performance of the Secret Service after a signing the America’s Promise Summit Declaration, in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington. The president said the Secret Service does “a great job.” He says he is grateful for the “sacrifices” the service performs on his behalf and on behalf of his family.

Who Loves ObamaCare? ➞ New Jerseyans

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Beth Fitzgerald: Sharp Decline In Uninsured New Jerseyans In Wake Of Obamacare, Report Finds

The number of uninsured New Jersey non-elderly adults plunged 46 percent — from 21.2 percent in September 2013 to 11.5 percent in June 2014 — according to a new report Friday from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. According to the report, co-authored by Joel Cantor, director of the Rutgers Center for State Health Policy, and Katherine Hempstead of RWJF, the decrease is statistically significant — and suggests that more than 520,000 New Jerseyans have obtained health coverage since September 2013. “This are the first numbers showing the impact of the Affordable Care Act on the number of uninsured in New Jersey,” Cantor said. “They show a robust response to the ACA.”

Cantor said the survey shows that “People are responding to the availability of subsidies for private plans (on HealthCare.gov) and to the expansion of Medicaid eligibility. It appears that the problem of the uninsured was cut nearly in half since the third quarter of 2013. We can expect the number gaining coverage to rise a bit further this year, as people eligible for Medicaid can still sign up. The next opportunity for other individuals to buy coverage will begin in November, when the HealthCare.gov annual enrollment period opens for 2015 plans.” The state was also very smart to opt for the Medicaid expansion, which is the main reason the uninsured is dropping at a faster rate than the national average. The big increase in federal funds that will be spent in premium subsidies and Medicaid will also help stimulate New Jersey’s economy. Good news all around.”

More here

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Uninsured cut nearly in half @njbiz in the wake of Obamacare bit.ly/1r7ZfCc

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Beth Fitzgerald (@BethFitzgerald8) September 19, 2014

Rise and Shine

On This Day: President Obama speaks at a campaign rally at the Henry Maier Festival in Milwaukee Wisconsin on September 22, 2012

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Today (all times Eastern)

12:0: White House Press Briefing

2:30: President Obama signs the America’s Promise Summit Declaration, which calls on Americans to help the youth of America reach their full potential

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The Week Ahead

Tuesday

The President and First Lady will travel to New York City for the 69th session of the UN General Assembly.

In the afternoon, the President will deliver remarks at the Climate Summit 2014.

Later, the President will deliver remarks at the Clinton Global Initiative 2014 annual meeting.

In the evening, the President and First Lady will attend a reception for visiting heads of state and government.

The President and First Lady will remain overnight in New York.

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Wednesday

In the morning, the President will address the United Nations General Assembly. The First Lady will also attend.

In the afternoon the President will meet with Sam Kutesa, President of the United Nations General Assembly.

After, the President will attend a lunch hosted by UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon.

Later in the afternoon the President will chair a UN Security Council Summit on foreign terrorist fighters and, after, will attend a meeting of the Open Government Partnership.

The President and First Lady will remain overnight in New York.

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Thursday

In the morning, the President will deliver remarks at a UN meeting on the Ebola epidemic.

In the afternoon, the President and First Lady will return to Washington DC.

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Friday

The President will deliver remarks at the Global Health Security Agenda Summit at the White House.

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Saturday

The President will deliver remarks at the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation’s 44th Annual Legislative Conference Phoenix Awards Dinner in Washington DC.

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On This Day

President Obama at the BMO Harris Pavilion on the Summerfest Grounds in Milwaukee, WI, September 22, 2012 (Photo by Scout Tufankjian)

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Pete Souza: “The President edits his speech before delivering remarks at a memorial service for victims of the Washington Navy Yard shootings. It is not uncommon for the President to be making final edits to a speech only moments before being introduced. Such was the case here.” Sept. 22, 2013

President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama attend a memorial service for victims of the Washington Navy Yard shootings, held at the Parade Grounds, Marine Barracks Washington, D.C., Sunday, Sept. 22, 2013 (Photo by Pete Souza)

President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama greet family members during a memorial service for victims of the Washington Navy Yard shootings, held at the Parade Grounds, Marine Barracks Washington, D.C., Sunday, Sept. 22, 2013 (Photo by Pete Souza)

President Obama hugs a family member Sunday during a memorial service at Marine Barracks Washington, D.C., for the victims of the Washington Navy Yard shooting, September 22, 2013

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Early Bird Chat

On This Day: President Barack Obama holds a child after delivering remarks on the American Jobs Act beneath the Clay Wade Bailey Bridge in Cincinnati, Ohio, Sept. 22, 2011 (Photo by Pete Souza)

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MoooOOOooorning – Happy Monday!