*shakes wife awake*
— V3rified Titter Account (@Laser_Cat) August 20, 2014
*whispers*
Karen. Karen! Don't make any sudden moves...he's back again. pic.twitter.com/4Xb5jPfXPL
https://twitter.com/KenJennings/status/513376241840168960
****
Son you're grounded
— Dr. Bucky Isotope, Master of Puppets (@BuckyIsotope) September 17, 2014
BUT MOM
*dad walks in*
*son whispers in dad's ear*
*dad nods*
Sorry hon he's invoked bros before hos. Grounding revoked.
*travels back in time to middle ages*
— joe (@sad_tree) August 24, 2014
Me: and this is penicillin it-
Villagers:SHOW US THAT EMOJI AGAIN I LIKE THE 1 WITH THE SUNGLASSES
****
https://twitter.com/murrman5/status/512977241215860737
Mom, Dad, I'm going to be a magician. Let me show you a trick-
— Dr. Bucky Isotope, Master of Puppets (@BuckyIsotope) September 19, 2014
*dad interrupts*
IS IT THE ONE WHERE YOUR CHANCES OF GETTING LAID DISAPPEAR
****
https://twitter.com/jazmasta/status/484197655762182144
Uncle Ned was a good man who was taken from us far too soon by emphysema. You might say…
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 19, 2014
"Dan-"
he went from coughin'-
"DAN, NO!"
to coffin
****
"You can tell me anything, son. I will always love you."
— Jason (@longwall26) September 18, 2014
"I break the pasta before boiling it."
"Farewell, little barbarian."
"Hello what's your emergency"
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 20, 2014
OMG IT'S MY DAD HE ISN'T BREATHING
"haha jk this is pizza hut"
NOT cool bro...ok lemee get a large meat lovers
****
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
— dubstep4dads (@dubstep4dads) September 13, 2014
*looks down at my shirt*
— brent (@murrman5) September 18, 2014
you got something against AC/DC?
"no"
then can I continue?
"I suppose"
dearly beloved, we are gathered here today t
****
Duck internet search history:
— Marin Hubka (@marinhubka) July 30, 2014
Bread
Bread pudding?
what is "breadwinner"
how to become breadwinner
where to win bread
Duck boobs
Free bread
iggy azalea makes music for girls who are doing community service for stealing earrings from claires
— dubstep4dads (@dubstep4dads) August 12, 2014
****
man...im so hungry i could-
— dubstep4dads (@dubstep4dads) June 5, 2013
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
"you could what?"
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
"thought so."
Karen?
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) June 10, 2014
"Yes?"
*gets down on one knee*
Will you...
*gasp*
...please learn to tie your own fucking laces for gods sake...you're 38.
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