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Continue on, night owls.
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Continue on, night owls.
What, it’s #indyref night!
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Chat on, night owls!
Sometimes I go see my doctor when I'm not sick just to tell him, "You're useless to me right now."
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Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) September 12, 2014
People always post clips of "The Daily Show" like they somehow deserve credit. Calm down, you're just someone who watched TV.
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Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) September 11, 2014
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So this cow just sits in a field all day milking itself, then drinking it? That's disgusting. http://t.co/DJKMceUlXU
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Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) September 08, 2014
The only reason to be in a relationship is to have someone to eat dinner with.
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Gary Janetti (@GaryJanetti) September 13, 2014
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The people that can't believe summer's over already are the same ones that are going to be shocked on December 26th.
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Gary Janetti (@GaryJanetti) September 09, 2014
I love my mother. She raised me and went through some tough-- jesus fucking christ, mom, will you stop coughing for two fucking seconds??
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Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) August 30, 2014
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"Jesus Christ, get a look at these fucking idiots." - if my dad had introduced The Beatles instead of Ed Sullivan
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Mike Scully (@scullymike) August 20, 2014
People pretend to like that you play an instrument, but they really just want you to stop.
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Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) September 13, 2014
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When you tailgate me, you're driving unsafely. When I tailgate you, get the fuck out of the way grandpa!!
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Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) September 09, 2014
[job interview]
"So what would you say is your biggest weakness?"
"I'm pretty bad at reading situations." *tries to kiss interviewer*
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(@Tommytoughstuff) September 12, 2014
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[Seaworld]
Look, that shark has a head like a big hammer
[shark leans over glass enclosure]
Look, that kid's got a nose like a frickin dildo
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paul (@FrenulumBreve) August 28, 2014
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor "Have you ever turned down heroin?" Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
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Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) July 17, 2014
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LATEST NUMBERS FROM SCOTLAND
Yes 31%
No 29%
Alcohol 40%
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God (@TheTweetOfGod) September 16, 2014
To our friends across The Pond--fair? http://t.co/KkJN5mYZNT
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George Takei (@GeorgeTakei) September 15, 2014
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They say kids and dogs always know. No president in my lifetime has possessed PBO's natural way with children. http://t.co/bMyAdXVyns
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Dab Aggin (@DabAggin) September 14, 2014
7:0 EDT: President Obama will deliver statement on Congress approving request to arm Syria rebels
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Our Great @VP Biden Co-Sponsored the #ViolenceAgainstWomen Act. These Republicans Voted Against It: #p2 http://t.co/tMLwmRozWU
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Casey (@pari_passu) September 18, 2014
Finally! A problem in #Wisconsin Scott Walker has fixed: Minorities voting #votingrights #VRA liberalbias.com/post/3961/scot… http://t.co/MUIIl8we9i
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The Daily Edge (@TheDailyEdge) September 18, 2014
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Remember when Republicans devoted themselves for years to preventing millions of poor Americans from getting health insurance?
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David Roberts (@drgrist) September 18, 2014
If you really care about Ambassador Stevens, take a minute to listen to what his father had to say. #tcot #Benghazi http://t.co/J8QJ3t8vlf
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Will McAvoy (@WillMcAvoyACN) September 18, 2014
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Congress has time for:
50+ Obamacare repeals
Half-a-trillion Benghazi hearings
Food stamp cuts
But just can't fit in one war debate.
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(@LOLGOP) September 18, 2014
U.S. poverty rate dropped significantly last year, with Latinos showing the most improvement lat.ms/1wBi2uf http://t.co/smshfdvy1j
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Los Angeles Times (@latimes) September 16, 2014
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Sorry, officer. My firmly held religious believe was the light was yellow. So unless you can prove my God doesn't exist, I'm going to go.
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(@LOLGOP) September 18, 2014
Romney's internal polling shows Scotland joining the Soviet Union.
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(@pourmecoffee) September 18, 2014
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What would Scottish independence mean for your fantasy team? Tune in to ESPN 13 tonight to find out.
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(@pourmecoffee) September 18, 2014
They've got flaming bagpipes. This thing is escalating quickly (Photo: Lesley Martin/AFP) http://t.co/1wX0s7WML0
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(@pourmecoffee) September 18, 2014
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Still no action on #jobs or #infrastructure, but Republicans have been working really hard to stop blacks from voting http://t.co/QqXhgQm8EE
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The Daily Edge (@TheDailyEdge) September 17, 2014
BREAKING: Home Depot says 56 million payment cards affected by data breach between April and September.
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The Associated Press (@AP) September 18, 2014
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BREAKING: Polls close, vote counting begins in Scotland's historic referendum on independence.
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The Associated Press (@AP) September 18, 2014
You know something serious is happening in Britain when Americans are paying attention to us.
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Danielle (@DCPlod) September 18, 2014
@DCPlod they're only watching so they know which joke to make
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Jordan Ashby (@JM_Ashby) September 18, 2014
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America cares about Scotland because we really like plaid.
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(@myownpetard) September 18, 2014
#obamasfault Stock gains lift US household wealth to a record shar.es/1ag7Oq via @knoxnews
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Steve Weinstein (@steveweinstein) September 18, 2014
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FOX NEWS: The biggest issue in the Scotland independence referendum is BENGHAZI.
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(@JRehling) September 18, 2014
No matter what happens, I will continue saving the Queen. #indyref
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God (@TheTweetOfGod) September 18, 2014
On This Day:
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