[yelling at mailman]
"YOURE COMING HERE EVERYDAY ANYWAY, JUST FEED THE CAT UNTIL WE GET BACK FROM VACATION"
—
Brent (@murrman5) September 12, 2014
R2D2-BEEP BEEP BEEP
Leia: What did he say
C3P0: That you R2 fine for Han
R2: Beep Beep
C3P0: And he knows you'd like his D 2
Lando: YEEAHH!!
—
The Experiment (@XGibbons) September 12, 2014
****
"What the hell happened to you?"
I got tarred by an angry mob.
"What about the feathers?"
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
—
Ray (Sir E) (@SirEviscerate) September 10, 2014
*Jesus excitedly runs home from school*
"dad, dad! I made the football team"
*God peers over his newspaper*
"well i made FUCKING EVERYTHING"
—
Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) August 14, 2013
****
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
—
Brent (@murrman5) September 11, 2014
[At Neiman Marcus]
*looks at sales clerk*
*holds up a Prada and a Burberry briefcase*
I don't know…which one will hold more chicken nuggets?
—
(@Jennuflect) August 19, 2014
****
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
—
Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) July 09, 2014
*Jesus & Peter are wasted at the last supper*
"Jesus man I mean it, ur the realest motherfucker out there right now NO I MEAN IT MAN. I DO"
—
Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) August 26, 2014
****
I just called to say I love you
"Wrong number"
What?
"Wrong number"
I know that's you dad, I recognize your voice
"I SAID WRONG NUMBER"
—
Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 10, 2014
Son, you are the product of millions of years of evolution. A miracle. So please explain why you're masturbating while dressed up as a pony.
—
Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 13, 2014
****
[commercial for love]
A sad person wanders down a dark road, head down. Suddenly a bear runs out and rips their head off.
NARRATOR: Love
—
Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 12, 2014
Sarah Palin & family involved in brawl at snowmobile race party, giving knuckles brief respite from "drag" setting.
—
Chris Regan (@ChrisRRegan) September 12, 2014
****
A fun party game would be to have everyone write down on a slip of paper what they think ISIS is and then read them aloud during the party.
—
CHRIS KELLY (@imchriskelly) August 30, 2014
Deep dog thoughts ... http://t.co/cb8MyoyEOt
—
Brian D. Earp (@briandavidearp) September 05, 2014
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