The greatest distance in the Universe is the one between how people think they look in a Hummer limo, and how they actually look.
—
Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) August 24, 2014
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly Nothing will ever beat this. #WizardOfOz http://t.co/ceeLsX6DWf
—
#Unstable (@Autographz) September 06, 2014
****
Danny? It’s Chipsticks fault
After nearly 2 hours, the dog finally chews open the can of tennis balls.
He stops cold.
"The fuck is this?" he asks, holding up a Pringle
—
Blind Chow (@BlindChow) September 05, 2014
You couldn't be more proud of your grandkids? Really? What if they cured AIDS and won Wimbledon on the same day? Think before you talk.
—
Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) August 16, 2014
****
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they're in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
—
Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) August 01, 2014
"I have bad news, you have a heart murmur"
*Doc puts the stethescope back on my chest*
Yo it's talkin mad trash about you
—
Crispy Critter (@DukeRaccoon) November 17, 2013
****
When the 1st person died, the 2nd must have been so confused: “Oh, you wanna play the silent game? Oh, now we’re playing the stinking game?”
—
Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) July 29, 2014
meet jim, he has all our best ideas
"bullshit prove it"
try me
"ok i open a strip club in iraq what do i call it"
baghdad ass up
"holy shit"
—
k e e t (@KeetPotato) September 03, 2014
****
*dog reading birthday card*
[front] Who's a good boy?
*holds breath*
[inside] You are!
*tail goes fuckin nuts*
—
Blind Chow (@BlindChow) July 18, 2014
licence and registration
"it's in my handbag"
*karen spends literally 4 days looking in her handbag*
ma'am i have a family
—
k e e t (@KeetPotato) September 06, 2014
****
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won't seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
—
PaperWash© (@PaperWash) August 06, 2014
"What's up Grandpa?"
"Yo what did I tell you little man?"
"Sorry GRANDUDE"
"Fo'real, I didn't ball this hard for 80 years to get Grandpa"
—
GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) October 18, 2013
****
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I'm black??
Cop: Sir, you're white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
—
Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) January 17, 2014
"Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
[mocking voice]
"Sir, mew mew new hew mest mew meeeeh?"
"..."
"That's what u fucken sound like."
—
David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 02, 2014
****
"I still believe in magic."
"Sir, you cut a person in half, you're going to jail."
—
Meh (@SergioValenCo) January 31, 2014
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
"It was a heart attack"
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
"No"
—
NinJar 3D (@_NinJar) February 20, 2014
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