It’s Friday. Let The Laughter Commence

GENIE: you have 3 wishes ME: *doesnt look up from phone* *starts walking faster* sorry I don't carry cash

—
slick (@fanofhell) May 01, 2014

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

—
Miah St Cyr (@MiahSaint) February 25, 2013

****

Employees must applaud the planets. http://t.co/wWR583tfWm

—
Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) August 27, 2014

"No thanks, I'm vegetarian" is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby. 

—
Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) August 19, 2012

****

ice bucket challenge? no thanks, heathens. you've all forgotten the CHRIST bucket challenge, when jesus kicked the bucket for our sins

—
  (@nice_mustard) September 02, 2014

*goes to light bong* *it bursts into flames* DAMMIT JESUS STOP TURNING MY BONG WATER INTO WINE *Jesus grabs Cheetos and runs*

—
Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 03, 2014

****

*waiting in the dark, my sister flips on the light* Oh you startled me! *I light a smoke* Where is the pancake I left on the counter?

—
THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) May 06, 2014

"Go to your room & think about what you've done" *child goes to room* *moments later* "I THOUGHT ABOUT IT & WHAT I DID WAS FUCKING AWESOME"

—
Kyle Lippert (@Kyle_Lippert) September 02, 2014

****

Hi, I'd like a salamus sandwich, please. "You mean salami?" No, just a single salamus. "Um ok, anything else on that?" Yes, one pepperonus.

—
Blind Chow (@BlindChow) July 20, 2014

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don't need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

—
NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) August 31, 2014

****

When you show up and someone is wearing the same thing as you http://t.co/52bNse4rw6

—
Kyle Lippert (@Kyle_Lippert) August 31, 2014

"Welcome to the jungle" Thanks. "We've got fun and games" Cool. "You're in the jungle" We've established this "You're gonna die!" Wait what?

—
TwitnterIsComing (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 23, 2014

****

Forever21 Job Application: Question 12: Jill took Kevin back. How done are you? ◽️ not done ◽️ a little done ◽️ a lot done ✅ so done

—
Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) April 02, 2014

*shipwrecked diary* Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab Day 2: I have married the crab. Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

—
Brent (@murrman5) August 14, 2013

****

Cat: I love you man Me: Thanks Cat: No man, I really love you Me: Ok Cat: NO HEY LISTEN– Me: Have you been drinking? Cat: … Me: … Cat: um no

—
Blind Chow (@BlindChow) September 04, 2014

Hey dude i just bought a keet! "You mean a parakeet?" Dude shut up, he's sensitive about it *bird rolls up in tiny wheelchair*

—
Sean K McAnus (@ShanusMcAnus) July 24, 2013

A Tweet Or Two

So, while everyone was clucking over whether @BarackObama emoted enough over ISIS, he just smoked 3 of their leaders. tinyurl.com/npys8lx

—
Paul Begala (@PaulBegala) September 04, 2014

Pentagon confirms that Sept. 1 airstrike in Somalia killed leader of al-Shabab terror group: apne.ws/1t95bdG

—
The Associated Press (@AP) September 05, 2014

****

BREAKING: U.S. and Allies Form Coalition With Intent to Destroy ISIS nytimes.com/2014/09/06/wor…

—
DAVID (@intenseCA) September 05, 2014

Putin’s Russia is weaker than the former USSR. Bulk of former economic power is now in NATO and/or EU countries. vox.com/2014/9/4/61054…

—
ThisMagicalEarth (@MagicalEarth) September 04, 2014

****

From Judge Posner's Wisconsin and Indiana marriage opinion. http://t.co/cenK4tcSSG

—
Michael Li (@mcpli) September 04, 2014

New York Police Officers to Begin Wearing Body Cameras in Pilot Program nyti.ms/1nyOHsi

—
The New York Times (@nytimes) September 04, 2014

****

President Obama And U.S. Economy: 1; Republicans: 0

****

Jason Furman: The Employment Situation In August

1. The private sector has added 10 million jobs over 54 straight months of job growth, extending the longest streak on record. Today we learned that total nonfarm payroll employment rose by 142,000 in August, mainly reflecting a 134,000 increase in private employment. Private-sector job growth was revised up for July and down for June for little total revisions. Over the past twelve months, private employment has risen by a total of 2.4 million.

3. The last time the economy added 10 million private-sector jobs over four-and-a-half years was November 1996 to April 2001. There are some notable differences between the current stretch of job gains and the one that began in 1996. In particular, the manufacturing sector has added more than 700,000 jobs over the last four-and-a-half years, while it lost more than 400,000 jobs during the 1996-2001 period. 4. On a not-seasonally-adjusted basis, local government educational services employment rose by more than 200,000 in August, continuing a recent trend that has seen an increasing number of these employees return to work before September.

More here

****

Businesses have added 10 mil jobs over 54 straight months, extending longest streak on record whitehouse.gov/blog/2014/09/0… http://t.co/9kSZqWTZwU

—
Jason Furman (@CEAChair) September 05, 2014

****

U.S. manufacturers surge again in August, ISM finds on.mktw.net/1nz9j3z

—
  (@MarketWatch) September 04, 2014

****

MarketWatch: U.S. Manufacturers Surge Again In August, ISM Finds

U.S. manufacturing companies grew in August at the fastest pace since March 2011, a survey of executives found. The Institute for Supply Management said its manufacturing index climbed to 59% last month from 57.1% in July. That easily beat the 56.1% forecast of economists surveyed by MarketWatch. Readings over 50% indicate more companies are expanding instead of shrinking.

More here

****

Chrysler has now posted 53 straight months of rising sales. never forget GOP, RW media wanted company to fail bloom.bg/1pImKn6 #bailut

—
Eric Boehlert (@EricBoehlert) September 03, 2014

****

Final August U.S. auto sales numbers from @Automotive_News : Sales up 5.5% to 1.59 million SAAR of 17.53 million, highest since Jan. 2006.

—
Nick Bunkley (@nickbunkley) September 03, 2014

****

Bloomberg: Chrysler Luring Toyota Owners Helps Lift U.S. Share

Chrysler is on an unprecedented winning streak. As Jeep benefits from consumers’ renewed attraction to SUVs, the company also has been aided by strong demand for Ram pickups and Town & Country minivans. That helped propel its U.S. sales up 12 percent last month, the largest increase of any major automaker, according to the average of eight analyst estimates compiled by Bloomberg. That would be Chrysler’s 53rd straight month of rising sales — about 4 1/2 years — after almost being given up for dead before its government-sponsored bankruptcy in 2009.

More here

****

****

Bloomberg: Saudi Arabia Oil Sales To U.S. Imperiled By Shale Boom

After years of keeping the price of crude sold to the U.S. low enough to maintain market share, Saudi Arabia is losing ground as the shale boom leaves U.S. refiners with ample supplies of inexpensive domestic oil. Arab Light crude for sale in the U.S. averaged 48 cents a barrel less than Light Louisiana Sweet, a Gulf Coast benchmark, in August, the narrowest discount in data compiled by Bloomberg back to 1991.

The U.S. imported 878,000 barrels of Saudi crude a day in the first four weeks of August, the least since 2009. Shale drilling has boosted U.S. oil output to the highest level since 1986. As refineries turn to lower-priced domestic oil to make fuel at a record pace, the Saudis and other foreign suppliers are left with dwindling slices of the market. In June, imports from Saudi Arabia accounted for the smallest share of crude processed at U.S. refineries since February 2010.

More here

****

The budget deficit next year is expected to be back below its 40-year average, says @USCBO. ( 1.usa.gov/1tUYRqZ) http://t.co/lbCs2K0YCt

—
Justin Wolfers (@JustinWolfers) August 27, 2014

****

U.S. factory orders jump 10.5% in July on aircraft contracts on.mktw.net/1nz9j3p

—
  (@MarketWatch) September 04, 2014

****

Jeffry Bartash: U.S. Factory Orders Jump 10.5% In July On Aircraft Contracts

Orders for goods produced in U.S. factories leaped 10.5% higher in July, as expected, owing to a big surge in contracts for commercial aircraft, the Commerce Department said Wednesday. Economists surveyed by MarketWatch had expected orders to climb nearly 11%. Factory orders also rose by a revised 1.5% in June instead of 1.1% as initially reported.

More here

****

Good news from the August jobs report, in 2 charts. vox.com/e/5874140

—
Vox (@voxdotcom) September 05, 2014

U.S. imported 878,000 barrels of Saudi crude a day in August, the least since 2009: bloom.bg/YcZySK http://t.co/7Z0PB8Aj3D

—
Bloomberg News (@BloombergNews) September 04, 2014

President Obama Visits Stonehenge

President Barack Obama visits Stonehenge in Wiltshire in the United Kingdom, after leaving the NATO summit in Newport, Wales

****

****

****

http://t.co/QoADeRReMd

—
bee (@BeesRun) September 05, 2014

****

President Obama described the atmosphere around the stones as ‘really special’ and his visit to Stonehenge as ‘a highlight of my tour’.

—
Rupert Evelyn (@rupertevelyn) September 05, 2014

****

President Barack Obama greets a family in an adjacent field as he visits Stonehenge

****

The US President "particularly loved seeing the colour and texture of the stones" @EnglishHeritage

—
Rupert Evelyn (@rupertevelyn) September 05, 2014

****

'How cool is this?': Barack Obama pays surprise visit to Stonehenge itv.com/news/2014-09-0… http://t.co/x7F9uYYsHW

—
ITV News (@itvnews) September 05, 2014

****

President Barack Obama receives a tour from Susan Greaney as he visits Stonehenge in Wiltshire

****

Bloody hell, just drove past Obama in his helicopter at Stonehenge! I've practically met him. #tenousclaimtofame

—
Rosalie Birch (@rosaliebirch) September 05, 2014

****

.@rosaliebirch Wow, I know someone who practically met Obama! 😁

—
Nina (@brownball) September 05, 2014

****

President Barack Obama takes a photograph as he visits Stonehenge

President Obama’s Press Conference

President Barack Obama speaks at a news conference at the conclusion of the NATO Summit at the Celtic Manor Resort in Newport, Wales

****

****

****

"Here in Wales, we’ve left absolutely no doubt—we will defend every ally." —President Obama on our NATO allies at the #NATOSummitUK

—
White House Live (@WHLive) September 05, 2014

****

"Our alliance is fully united in support of Ukraine’s sovereignty, independence and territorial integrity." —Obama at #NATOSummitUK

—
White House Live (@WHLive) September 05, 2014

****

****

"Here in Wales, we also sent a strong message to Russia that actions have consequences." —Obama at #NATOSummitUK

—
White House Live (@WHLive) September 05, 2014

****

"NATO allies and partners are prepared to join in a broad, international effort to combat the threat posed by ISIL." —Obama at #NATOSummitUK

—
White House Live (@WHLive) September 05, 2014

****

President Barack Obama speaks with U.S. Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel at a leaders meeting on the future of NATO

Coming Up: President Obama’s Press Conference

11:30 AM EDT: President Obama holds a press conference, Celtic Manor, Wales

****

****

Later

1:0 PM EDT: The President departs Wales

8:55 PM EDT: Arrives White House

****

And the other NATO Summit leaders say to Wales: “Yoo hoo, we’re here too!” 🙂 pic.twitter.com/0IB5Hl81HI

— TheObamaDiary.com (@TheObamaDiary) September 4, 2014

****

That time you got the President’s autograph 🙂 #Wales http://t.co/LpjyjNaYOi

— TheObamaDiary.com (@TheObamaDiary) September 5, 2014

****

****

Morning again TODers – more later!

Early Bird Chat

President Obama with other NATO Summit leaders at Cardiff Castle last night

****

MoooOOOooorning – Happy Friday!