No, I'm not impressed your kid knows so much about dinosaurs, because he doesn't have a job.
—
Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) August 28, 2014
[optimus prime chasing his gf to the front door]
but i can change
—
k e e t (@KeetPotato) August 29, 2014
****
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they'd shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
—
Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) August 13, 2014
*chasing raccoon*
"go! get! no one likes you! my wife is right *clutches tiny sweater I made for him and fights tears* you'd be a gross pet"
—
Brent (@murrman5) August 31, 2014
****
excuse me mr. taxi driver, are you a lawyer now? cause you just passed the bar. turn the fuxk around
—
chet (@chetprtr) August 30, 2014
[wife sees derek jeter crying and slamming bedroom door]
"what's wrong with derek jeter?"
she's still upset we named her after derek jeter
—
Brent (@murrman5) September 01, 2014
****
I've been robbing my neighbor's cheese for years. "Why do they only take my cheese?", he cries. ”I don't know Gary”, I comfort. ”Its crazy."
—
Gretchen (@TheHatIsGood) March 22, 2014
"DADDY DADDY there's a monster under the bed!"
*jumps up*
WHICH BED?
"mine"
OH THANK GOD. You're on your own kid. Here's a knife. Good luck.
—
GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) August 05, 2014
****
Welcome to Sick Burns 101. Up top. Down low. Too slow. Have a seat, let's talk about what I did there.
—
philippe iujvidin (@philyuck) June 14, 2014
*comes home from work early*
*finds wife in bed with Mr. Peanut*
Oh god. What are you, fucking nuts?
*silence*
*monocle falls to the floor*
—
Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) August 29, 2014
****
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
—
Christopher Sherk (@TheIronSherk) August 28, 2014
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts "leave it Gary!"
—
paul (@FrenulumBreve) July 22, 2014
****
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
—
Raspberry Jam (@Jenny4ashley) July 19, 2013
Always remember that in times of trouble I am right there by your side, throwing the trouble at you.
—
God (@TheTweetOfGod) September 01, 2014
****
CASHIER: Paper or plastic?
ME: Ah, riddles as currency, eh? Ok I'll play
CASHIER: Sir it's--
ME: Silence sorcerer! I'm thinking
—
Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) June 08, 2014
robber 1: dude, u got us a horse-drawn carriage for our getaway car?
robber 2: tbh, i was hoping we could just spend the day together.
—
chuuch (@ch000ch) August 30, 2014
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