A lot of people I know have bad vocabulary, but I hang out with them irregardless.
— Matt McElaney (@MattMcElaney) August 4, 2014
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) October 23, 2012
****
They say you can tell what someone’s like in bed by watching them dance, but I disagree because I almost never use my inhaler while dancing.
— Matt McElaney (@MattMcElaney) July 30, 2014
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) August 5, 2014
****
Whenever they say “guac is extra” I say “yea, extra YUMMY” and I boop their nose
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) July 24, 2014
no babe, I don’t think he needs a tutor “you’re just saying that because it costs money” [son pauses xbox] yeah dad, quit being a cheapsteak
— Brent (@murrman5) August 8, 2014
****
Zoo: So what your saying is I can’t buy a Bengal tiger? No they are endangered More like “in danger” of not living in my awesome backyard
— foxy•moron (@nursemella) February 28, 2014
*walks into boardroom for job interview* I’d like to start by saying that I mean none of you any harm.
— Truckstop Vigilante (@BRENTHOR) July 18, 2014
****
So you’re telling me I have to follow like 100 different laws but ducks just get to walk around here like they own the fuckin place?
— Ryan (@rzarosco) September 6, 2013
I order soup on a first date so girls know off the top that I’ll never be “changing a tire” or “fixing drywall”.
— Christopher Sherk (@TheIronSherk) July 3, 2014
****
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
— patrick (@tastefactory) January 23, 2013
Welcome to Sarcastic Club Im sooo happy to see you all Anyone know the 1st rule? “Be less sarcastic?” Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) August 29, 2013
****
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
— deg (@degg) October 13, 2013
“Could I see you in my office?” -No, probably not And at that exact moment, Bill began to regret hiring a ghost to work for him
— Bogey Knight (@ehchino) August 4, 2014
[Campfire] *Holds flashlight under face being spooky* And then…HE PULLED OUT THE USB WITHOUT EJECTING SAFELY! *nerds gasp* *One throws up*
— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) August 6, 2014
The Obama Diary 
Me?
|͇̿Y͇̿||͇̿E͇̿||͇̿S͇̿| |͇̿C͇̿||͇̿O͇̿||͇̿N͇̿||͇̿G͇̿||͇̿R͇̿||͇̿A͇̿||͇̿T͇̿||͇̿S͇̿||͇̿!͇̿||͇̿!͇̿||͇̿!͇̿|
show off
:ןooɔ: sןןıʞs ɹǝʇʇǝן ʍoquıɐɹ ɹnoʎ oʇ dn ɥɔʇɐɔ oʇ ƃuıʎɹʇ ןןıʇs
It’s painful! Stop:)
Just for you Desert ❀ ✿ ❁ ✾ ❇
AH:) Much better…thank you, lovelyplains!
Birds of a feather…..
Congrats on 1st MadameSoph 🙂
NW – some all time keepers in that selection!!! Well, done. The Java and USB ones are perfection!!!
Thanks, Sir Bob. Those ones cracked me up too and I had you in mind when I included them. Glad you liked them. 🙂
Perfection, NW, and so thrilled we have achieve synchronicity 🙂
❤ 🐻 🙂
furst
Uh, bayonette – you ain’t furst this time.
President Barack Obama’s decision to approve airstrikes and humanitarian air drops in Iraq began to come together at nightfall on Aug. 6, between the end of the African leaders’ summit he’d hosted and a dinner outing with his wife and some friends. During a five-minute limo ride back to the White House from the State Department with Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman General Martin Dempsey, Obama’s fears were confirmed. An offensive by militants with the Islamic State group had reached a critical point, according to an administration official who asked for anonymity to outline the private discussions.
That turned into an hour-long meeting in the Oval Office with Dempsey and Obama’s chief of staff and top national security advisers that night. Two White House Situation Room deliberations followed yesterday — a 90-minute session during which he was told that a genocide could unfold without U.S. intervention, and then, after Obama broke off to sign a Veterans Affairs bill, a final two-hour huddle in the afternoon. “America is coming to help,” he announced last night.
Today, U.S. jets and drones carried out three bombing missions in northern Iraq, hitting militant offensive positions and a convoy. The plans came together quickly because, as Obama wrapped up his Africa summit, U.S. intelligence and reports from Iraqis and Kurdish forces were painting an agonizing humanitarian picture and raised the prospect of U.S. security risks that Obama couldn’t ignore.
Iraqi government forces had tried and failed to get aid to the thousands of minority Yezidis on Sinjar Mountain, amid reports of children dying and militants raping and killing members of the religious minority who were trying to flee. At the same time, the jihadists had forced the Kurds’ Peshmerga militia back from the Mosul Dam and other critical positions. The advance threatened to reach protect Erbil, a critical city and site of a U.S. diplomatic compound and military liaison center. A full breach of the dam could send a wave of water directly threatening, among many other things, the U.S. embassy in Baghdad to the south…..continued
Nerds gasp
One throws up
😆
I can relate. I.still remember the first.time I did that. I had an irregular heartbeat for several minutes till I found the contents.to still be in tact.
Yay! I come upon this situation from time to time when I’m lurking, but I always think to myself, “nah, someone else is surely typing already”
Decided to try this time 🙂
Thank you Nerdy for always giving us some laughs to end the day. I email some of the cartoons I find here to people and they always ask me, “where do you find this stuff?” TOD! I reply, and then they get an earful about how great this place is.
You’re welcome, MadameSoph.
MOSCOW — When the chef Jonas Grip heard that the latest Russian sanctions included banning all fish imports from Europe, he instantly called his Russian suppliers. “I still have huge freezers from the days we used to have to bring products by truck from Sweden,” said Mr. Grip, the chef at the Scandinavia restaurant here, a Nordic cafe tucked into a leafy setting in an arched alleyway off Pushkin Square. “I am trying to fill them again — half a ton of salmon, half a ton of whatever I need,” he said. “Everyone is going to have to live without the exclusive, imported ingredients, so I think it will be interesting, but of course it will be hard as well.” Across this wealthy capital — where Soviet privations surrendered long ago to the spare-no-expense demands of an elite wielding significant petro-rubles — the possible ramifications of doing without sank in slowly on Friday.
Muscovites met the news with a certain equanimity. There was no sign of panicked buying of the battery of goods the government has blocked for one year from the European Union, Norway, the United States, Canada and Australia. Soon gone will be their beef, pork and poultry from those places, as well as seafood, dairy products, vegetables, fruits and nuts.
Supporters of the government’s instant “Buy Russian!” campaign expressed pride in helping the motherland. Government opponents, on the other hand, took the sanctions as confirmation that the country was run by dolts who thought they were punishing the West by depriving Russians of good steaks and probably raising prices. The main television stations, all government controlled, broadcast an endless parade of earnest Russian farmers, stretching from the apple orchards in the Krasnodar territory along the northeastern Black Sea coast, to cattle ranchers on Sakhalin Island in the far east near Japan. Each farmer vowed to provide much healthier Russian fare than that foreign swill.
But in case anybody was worried about foreign goods, there were constant bulletins from Rosselkhoznadzor, the agency that regulates food imports, about deals with far-flung suppliers. “Russian agriculture watchdog allowing fish shipments from 18 Peruvian companies,” read the headline on one such urgent dispatch. Dmitri A. Medvedev, the prime minister, led the government cheerleading that Russians had nothing to worry about. He dredged up an old study about food security, produced four years ago when he was president, suggesting that Russia could produce everything it needed except milk and some varieties of meat…..continued
WOW! I thought the Russians fought against the Germans…
say gunnite vc.
Ohkay!
Night gentles.
President Obama interviewed by Tom Friedman: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/08/09/opinion/president-obama-thomas-l-friedman-iraq-and-world-affairs.html?action=click&contentCollection=Middle%20East&module=RelatedCoverage®ion=Marginalia&pgtype=article
President Obama’s hair is definitely grayer these days, and no doubt trying to manage foreign policy in a world of increasing disorder accounts for at least half of those gray hairs. (The Tea Party can claim the other half.) But having had a chance to spend an hour touring the horizon with him in the White House Map Room late Friday afternoon, it’s clear that the president has a take on the world, born of many lessons over the last six years, and he has feisty answers for all his foreign policy critics.
Obama made clear that he is only going to involve America more deeply in places like the Middle East to the extent that the different communities there agree to an inclusive politics of no victor/no vanquished. The United States is not going to be the air force of Iraqi Shiites or any other faction. Despite Western sanctions, he cautioned, President Vladimir Putin of Russia “could invade” Ukraine at any time, and, if he does, “trying to find our way back to a cooperative functioning relationship with Russia during the remainder of my term will be much more difficult.” Intervening in Libya to prevent a massacre was the right thing to do, Obama argued, but doing it without sufficient follow-up on the ground to manage Libya’s transition to more democratic politics is probably his biggest foreign policy regret.
At the end of the day, the president mused, the biggest threat to America — the only force that can really weaken us — is us. We have so many things going for us right now as a country — from new energy resources to innovation to a growing economy — but, he said, we will never realize our full potential unless our two parties adopt the same outlook that we’re asking of Shiites, Sunnis and Kurds or Israelis and Palestinians: No victor, no vanquished and work together……continued
Better link to actual interview:
he said, we will never realize our full potential unless our two parties adopt the same outlook that we’re asking of Shiites, Sunnis and Kurds or Israelis and Palestinians
boom.
$$ quote indeed….
TmMtnGirl, from last thread:
Yes. I responded on the blog, had intended to email you after my grandson left, however, “life 101″ happened. I took you suggest and multiplied it by seven — honoring grands, nieces, nephews and memorializing my friends son, Jordan.
Wendy Davis comes out swinging against Gregg Abbott:
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’
Ha. So true!
Oh, NW, too funny. My two favs:
— I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second.
[And who among us hasn’t done the same! Well, at least I have. Kinda like my whole life. If that long.]
***
— *walks into boardroom for job interview*
I’d like to start by saying that I mean none of you any harm.
[Once went to a job interview in a boardroom at a joint military command to work for some Army Major General. There sat a Navy Captain, an Air Force Colonel, a Marine Major, and an Army Captain, all set to ask a set of “tough” questions. I had ’em all laughin’ at the end of the interview, mostly because I made up my mind (at age 39 with a bunch of years of experience working with the military) when I walked in and saw that scary-ass group that none of them were going to intimidate ME. Got the job, too. Left two weeks after starting (it was a 3-hour reveile-to-taps round trip each day; hadn’t thought that out; they gave me a month to change my mind). Ha. Good times.]
oops – reveille! seems I’m closer to taps tonight!
pfft, tomahto, tomaytoh.
Thank you thank yew.
egg.sack.lee
Yay! Happy that you liked the tweets, Ms. J’OB and found two that especially appealed to you.
The boardroom tweet had me cracking up with its hilariously twisted connotations.
Evening NW……Great tweets!!! I don’t know who is doing the R&S tomorrow, but here a few videos you may want to include:
Hilariously twisted, but yet so marvelously captures the mood that sometimes prevails in a boardroom, on either side!
You see? It’s Obamas fault! I knew it. 😦
I suggest that he go over there and dig out the “truth”. Damn fool.
I don’t know. This gave me a warm feeling. Bernie Sanders is Jewish, and is passing along something the Pope said. This is two times this week that Bernie seemed like a regular guy to me – the other time was when he was smiling in the photo with the President at the signing ceremony. This time he made me smile.
Certain truths transcend religious differences…….wish more could understand and accept this.
Totally agree. President Obama gets it.
Forgot to add: Pope Francis gets it, too.
I like Bernie…I think his heart’s in the right place, just sometimes gets a little overzealous 🙂 Just don’t let him talk about chained CPI and I’m good…
I like your choice of words – overzealous – perfect!
‘The supreme quality of leadership is integrity.’ ~Dwight Eisenhower
I’m off to give my eyes a bit of rest.
Sweet Dreams, everyone!
See you all tomorrow… hilarious tweets, NW:) Love to end the day with some laughs.
Thanks, DF and have a good night’s sleep.
More gud spelers.
In summary, 8 Aug 2014 ….
#TrustBarack
#LandslideDEMS2014 …. Because Humanity Depends On That Outcome … NO JOKE
good night TOD
Moooooooorning!
http://theobamadiary.com/2014/08/09/early-bird-chat-320/