"If you like Google Glass, also try Bing Chewables."
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Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) April 18, 2014The perfect tweet for what Hall & Oates calls “music”
You HAVE to listen to this song, it's perfect. Okay, this opening is slow… The vocals aren't great here… Wow. This is trash, and I am trash.
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Mark Leggett (@markleggett) April 16, 2014****
My only victory in life has been that women who wouldn't date me 20 years ago wound up marrying guys much worse than me.
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Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) April 15, 2014We decided not to invite CNN to our Easter egg hunt.
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Albert Brooks (@AlbertBrooks) April 14, 2014****
Technically CBS still gets credit for a diversity hire because his name's not Jimmy.
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Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) April 10, 2014The tinier the dog, the crazier the lady.
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Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) April 13, 2014****
Think my friend might have a coke problem. He kept going to the bathroom during lunch & every time he came back he did a line off the table.
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Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) April 08, 2014When I'm feeling down, I remind myself that at least I'm not one of those guys nodding knowingly in a recording studio.
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Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) April 09, 2014****
"Up you?" - Yoda Sext
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Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 16, 2014@SamGrittner @thesulk Call Booty?
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Backstage Rider (@BackstageRider) April 16, 2014@SamGrittner Wearing, what are you?
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norma jean (@normajesty) April 16, 2014***
Most of the times I say, "I feel like seeing a movie," I mean, "I feel like eating a giant tub of popcorn in the dark."
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Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) April 09, 2014Vacation is basically looking at beautiful things, thinking about death, then driving around in a PT Cruiser.
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Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) April 19, 2014****
You ever scroll through your list of contacts and feel like you've wasted your life?
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Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) April 14, 2014Google Glass, for everyone who's ever thought, "I like that browser so much, I want it on MY FACE"
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Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) April 18, 2014****
Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I once saw eat a slice of pizza that had fallen on the ground, cheese down.
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Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) March 28, 2014If you're thinking about having kids, imagine working all year to take a vacation, then spending that vacation watching "Frozen" 38 times.
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Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) April 17, 2014****
I feel sorry for all of the true atheists who are sticking to their beliefs and going in to work over the Easter holidays.
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Mark Leggett (@markleggett) April 19, 2014My dreams have gone from being rich and successful to just hoping I get thrown into a minimum security Hawaiian prison.
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Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) April 16, 2014****
Coexist is what rival gangs in prison do. Maybe we should be a tiny bit more ambitious with our bumper stickers.
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Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) April 18, 2014Everyone in the passenger seat of a pickup truck looks like either a hostage or an accomplice.
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Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) April 16, 2014****
Masters Sunday is ground zero for white guy high fives.
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Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) April 13, 2014Who's dumber, the people clapping at golf events or the people waving at the Today Show window? There are no wrong answers.
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Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) April 12, 2014****
Your vehicle begs to differ. http://t.co/7JKzZBC74E
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Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) March 26, 2014I just ruined my daughter's tea party by asking the imaginary waiter twenty minutes of questions about which items contain gluten.
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Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) April 12, 2014****
I can always tell when Coachella is happening, because suddenly it's easy to find Whole Foods parking in the middle of the day.
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Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) April 11, 2014In high school we had to memorize the Gettysburg Address which has come in handy all the times I've had to speak at a Civil War battleground
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Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) April 11, 2014****
My tombstone will say "DIED WHILE PLEASURING THREE SUPERMODELS AGAIN." You can put anything you want on those, and you only get one chance.
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Mark Leggett (@markleggett) April 18, 2014If you're splitting the check on a date, just break up. You're not gonna get married.
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Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) April 10, 2014****
The Easter Bunny is a ridiculous myth that completely detracts from the factual reality of the Son of God rising from the dead.
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God (@TheTweetOfGod) April 19, 2014When I'm at the gym and my muscles are burning, I think about Jesus's pain during the crucifixion, and then I can do one more squat lunge.
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Mark Leggett (@markleggett) April 18, 2014****
Don't tell me what you have to say face to face. Just text me like a normal person.
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Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) March 13, 2014The hardest part about being a male bodybuilder would be trying to meet one of the eight women on Earth who thinks that shit is attractive.
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Mark Leggett (@markleggett) April 17, 2014****
Death is a lifetime achievement award.
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God (@TheTweetOfGod) April 19, 2014Sit your dog down and tell them they're adopted. They're not going to know what the fuck you're saying, but they'll love the attention.
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Mark Leggett (@markleggett) April 16, 2014****
I just gave a homeless man twenty dollars but nobody saw me so I took it back.
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Gary Janetti (@GaryJanetti) April 15, 2014Some people think that airplane toilets flush into the sky. They think this is the only solution thousands of engineers could come up with.
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Mark Leggett (@markleggett) April 16, 2014****
Old people at the gym, you can stop now. Just let go. Shhhhh... let go.
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Gary Janetti (@GaryJanetti) April 02, 2014Another athlete just came out as gay. Republicans propose canceling sports.
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Gary Janetti (@GaryJanetti) April 09, 2014
The Obama Diary 
Hel0lo!
CHEEEEEAT!
Like calls to like? Anyhoo, I much prefer this to that other name you dreamed up! 🙂
Evening Wolfie.
Did you know protracted confusion is hint of a serious mental health concern? These things can deteriorate rapidly, I’m told.
Psychiatric doctor in training
VC
Should be ‘Hel-lo!’
Looks more like. Hel 😆 lo
It does? That’s okay then. 😀 I’ve been somewhat mistake prone today.
How was your work day?
Pretty good, the lady is very sweet; advanced dementia, but a sweet disposition. It’s a nice change from the norm.
The ‘quiet one’ prevails!!! Happy Easter, VC.
bbl …. time to prepare some dinner …
Goodnight, bobfr, thank you.
Have a blessed and restful Easter weekend yourself, Bobfr!
😎
These are an absolute scream Nerdy, Julius Sharpe is almost as God-like as, well, God. Thank you Legend!
Thanks, Chips. Glad you enjoyed them.
He cracks me up, that’s for sure. His tweets about his kid or kids make me nod my head in the affirmative about my decision to never ever have children.
😆
Took about 30 years – but I’m so glad I had a child – else I would never have had a grandbabe 🙂
There’s that holiday spirit, NW. Kicking Hall & Oates in the teeth. Ha!
Loved the Albert Brooks tweet. Could have been my favorite of the day! Until I saw this one (luckily, it doesn’t apply to me):
“You ever scroll through your list of contacts and feel like you’ve wasted your life?”
But I’m still readin’ ’em, so don’t hold me to this.
“There’s that holiday spirit, NW. Kicking Hall & Oates in the teeth. Ha!” – LOL. Why thank you, Ms. J’OB! I listened to Hall & Oates and all I could think was no…no…nooooooo….this is 10 levels of f**ked up.
Glad you enjoyed the tweets. 🙂
hahahaha.
there were a few songs that Hall and Oates made that I actually liked a lot …
this one is at the top of the list…Sarah Smile….and yes I am posting it…hahaha
and the + 5million views….says that I am not alone…
Smilin!!
Never mind, NW. There are too many choices that appeal to me. I think somewhere in the deep recesses of your weird and wonderful brain, a little (younger) part of me resides. How’s that for a compliment?
Unless that’s an insult, then skip it.
That is the best compliment EVER because I adore your wit, genius comedic timing, and fabulous sense of humor.
Your hashtags have me high-fiving and going yes, yes, YES!
MUAHAHAHAHAHA….
Okay, NW, I’ll be leaving the blog forever, now, because it can’t get any better than this (a compliment from a weird and wonderful younger person such as yourself at my age).
Buh bye.
Kidding, Chips!!! Still here. #DoNotRemoveMeFromYourDataBaseOhMyDarlin’
Don’t forget JO’B brand of poetry! She can quiet us down when she wants to!!
ABSOLUTELY!!!
You are so sweet, MP. Thanks so much. (And, yes, I can put anybody to sleep. Friends call me for that. Or to talk them through a long drive. I’m lookin’ at YOU, CanadaBarb!)
🙂
And, grateful forever and always!
Right back atcha for all the goodness you’ve brought to my life! Happy Easter to you and the CanadaBarb gang!
Same to you and yours. Did easter bunny hide the eggs yet for H?
Yes, and he’s sound asleep. After he visited the Easter Bunny today, I asked if the E.B. were a “girl or boy.” He said “girl.” I asked if the E.B. were “real big.” He said “No. I could hold her in my hand,” and then demonstrated with his hand.
Anything to tell a tale! And why I can’t stop laughing!
You are absolutely spot-on, MP! JOB is indeed the best! A very sensitive soul, with a killer sense of humor, and a genuine love for humanity.
I do believe I’m going to go and read for a bit before checking into the land of Nod. G’Night, all!
What the hell, is the stupid out in full force? I’ve been watching folks on my Must Follow List inundated with The Stupid, and now it came into my mentions.
Just ended a two-hour blackout in the area with all stores and houses without power. We got through big storms and high winds all winter without outages. And now when it’s calm, warm and no winds, the electricity goes out because of falling trees, according to power company. Go figure.
Oh, no! That’s the worst – a power outage. Glad it ended after “only” two hours.
fedex beats joker. sunderland kicks chelsea in the teeth. ah, good sunday am start.
Saw the title of the post and thought it was about the Chelsea game. I’m outta here.
Living dangerously I see, John 😀 😀 😀
Seriously, haven’t been on all day due to a lot of things. Quick checked some scores, saw the notification, saw the title, and Chips was giving NW and LL a hard time. Now I am gone.
Happy Easter to all who celebrate it.
Good stuff, NW!!! Well done, as always.
Charles Johnson did some gold-plated snark with this one and deserved to be applauded ….
https://twitter.com/WorIdSecrets/status/445304423565123585
Yes, I’ve tried it many times. LOL 🙂 Thanks Obama!
Have seen several references to the fact that Tzar Vlad has Billions stashed in Swiss accounts, so the likelihood of the message in this tweet being true is considerable ….
And, it’s really cool to read Ambassador Rice and Jen Psaki’s comments on the matter ….
http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/203891-white-house-mum-on-idea-of-targeting-putins-billions
BTW, this kind of stuff will only quicken the pace of Tzar Vlad becoming way less wealthy …
#TrustBarack
Reading this just as I sign off – PBO played golf today. WH mum on idea of targeting putins billions….Putin has no business holding billions, IMHO. PBO played a good game of golf today. I pray he has restful sleep tonight.
Have zero doubt that PBO knows exactly which screws to turn and when to turn them on Tzar Vlad. He had a great day of golf hours before he iced OBL. Tzar Vlad is NO MATCH.
Hope you have a restful evening, MP.
#TrustBarack
Thanks, Bob, for all you do to keep us informed about Ukraine despite your very busy schedule. I think Tzar Putin is quickly finding out the folly of underestimating President Obama.
I’m thinking I’ll set it all down for this day. Many blessings to you all ~ I cannot thank each of you enough for all the richness you add to my already rich life!! May Easter morning greet you with joy and peace. May God continue to hold our First Family close to His Heart. Goodnight, TOD. http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=PBO
Goodnight, MightyPamela. Sleep well and thank you for all the riches you bring to our TOD community – and, I’m sure, every other place you visit. Happy Easter.
Number One gives us his #1.
Goodnight, all.
Good Night, JO’B, and don’t bother writing in your diary tonight.
Ha! Yes, no need. 🙂
~~ ❓ ~~
~~~ :??: ~~~
~~~ ❓ ~~~
Sort of reassuring to know that I’m not missing a lot of action by staying away in the wee hours of the morning. I’ll go back to my book of short stories – see you all when the sun comes up, hopefully.
Would have been fun to poke Amk in the sides before leaving though. Shucks! I was here, y’all, but off I go again. 😉 😉
Hope you are enjoying the book and have a lovely, restful sleep, VC.
🙂
The book is interesting so I *am* enjoying it, Bobfr. Restful sleep is another matter. I actually can hardly wait to hear what the sleep clinic will discover about my weird sleeping patterns! Probably just tell me what I already know. 😀
Have no insight on the issue, but it’s not difficult for me to speculate that Jesus would have dug this ….
Happy Easter for all who celebrate it.
#FORWARD Together
Looks like I just missed you, Bfr, so off I go again! 🙂
~ ❓ ~
hi
Hel-lo there, GCL! How are you?
Everyone seems to be pretty laidback this weekend; which is a good thing, I’d say.
Happy Easter to one and all!
have a great day everybody
G’morning Linda VC & TOD! Happy Easter to all 🙂
You know, I do believe this is the 1st Easter when everyone in the village was so lethargic! Is it the fact we’ve all aged, so we can no longer jump from one thing to the other as we did in times past?
Just what are you saying, VC?? Happy Easter to you and to all, some of us Away out West! 😉
FINE – ally! 😉
Sending ‘Happy Easter Sunday Morning’ wishes Away out West!
Mooooooorning!
http://theobamadiary.com/2014/04/20/early-bird-chat-216/