borowitz reports….

The Borowitz Report: A jubilant President Barack Obama said that tonight’s Republican forum was “the best debate ever,” calling it “the first good news I’ve had since I nailed bin Laden.”

Mr. Obama watched the debate surrounded by advisors in the White House Situation Room, where the mood was said to be tense “up until the first time Rick Perry opened his mouth.” …. the White House was the site of a spectacular fireworks display in the moments after the debate’s conclusion…..

Among the debate’s highlights, the Republican candidates took pains to enumerate their plentiful broods of children, which added up to a number slightly greater than the population of China.

For his part, Gov. Perry of Texas made the biggest impression by questioning the existence of Social Security, climate change, earth, wind and fire. Also notable were his pro-execution comments, which tonight won him the coveted endorsement of the National Association of Electric Chair Manufacturers. “We don’t have high unemployment in Texas,” he noted with pride, “because if you don’t have a job, we kill you.”

And in perhaps the most revealing moment of the debate, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) explained why she does not believe in evolution: “It’s really let me down.”


Full ‘report’ here

35 Responses to “borowitz reports….”

  1. 1 Fred
    September 8, 2011 at 7:49 am

    morning Chip and TOD family

    let’s set these loons straight with FACTS since the so-called “journalists” in the so-called “liberal” media won’t;shall we?

    Perry calling our President an “abject liar” for saying that the border is safer is himself a liar not the President so there ya go

    Safer than Ever
    A View from the U.S.–Mexico Border: Assessing the Past, Present, and Future

    about that Guardesil?

    The HPV Vaccine: Rick Perry Was For The ‘Mandate’ Before He Was Against It

    Bachmann: I “cut my teeth in politics” 🙄

    Michele Bachmann Suggests Axing The Department Of Education

  2. 13 mtmarilyn
    September 8, 2011 at 7:50 am

    Good morning everyone. I wasn’t able to watch the debate but I read thru all the comments and read twitter. The factthat these are the people the Koch brothers are spending so much money on to win is so frightening. These people are nuts. I do feel it is a fight between good and evil. I am in! Yes we can!

    • 14 ChristiMtl
      September 8, 2011 at 7:58 am

      Yes and yes…they are nuts and it’s a fight between good and evil.

      When Perry said that he never questioned or lost sleep over an execution in Texas, that says it all…Bush was the same way.

      Romney’s past, the way he made his fortune, how many lost their jobs? .

      Cruel, heartless….all of them really.

      The fact that the audience cheered and clapped the loudest when Perry was talking about executions was very telling…and chilling.


      • 15 mtmarilyn
        September 8, 2011 at 8:02 am

        How can people clap at the death penalty? Really shows Repubs have no heart.

        • 16 desertflower
          September 8, 2011 at 8:04 am

          They didn’t just clap….I swear I heard cheers of joy. Sick.

        • 17 anniebella
          September 8, 2011 at 8:12 am

          Oh they have a heart, if it was their child they would fight like the T-Republicans fought to protect the rich. They just don’t care because I imagine most of the people put to death was black, hispanics, or poor white. How can anyone clap because people was put to death and I bet alot of these people call themselves christians. I didn’t watch the three ring circus last night. I had better things to do. Get ready for tonight at 7pm.

  3. 18 Ladyhawke
    September 8, 2011 at 8:14 am

    James Fallows of The Atlantic weighs in on Rick Perry’s debate performance and focuses on Social Security Ponzi Scheme, Galileo, and Executions.

    Why I Think Rick Perry Did Not Help Himself


    • September 8, 2011 at 8:38 am

      But listen, I didn’t hear the media or anyone mention how Michelle Bachman said that when PBO come Into office, that gasoline was $179.00 a gallon. Please tell me that I’m not hearing things. did anyone else hear he r say that last night during the debate????

      • September 8, 2011 at 8:39 am

        OOps! not $179.00…. but $1.70 a gallon,

        • September 8, 2011 at 8:45 am

          Here’s my response from last night:

          –the day Obama took office, she was 5′ 10”, 36- 24- 36, blue eyed and blond with a not gay husband who looked more like Fabio circa 1985 on my aunt’s romance novel than Mr. Snuffleupagus circa 1971 on sesame street.

          That woman should have a sign stamped onto her mouth reading: “Not Intended To Be Factual Statements.”

      • 23 hopefruit2
        September 8, 2011 at 9:44 am

        Yes, I heard her say that when PBO came into office gas was $1.79 a gallon. She also lied that the CBO said that “Obamacare” was costing the country jobs. The media is not about fact-checking the Repubs. Many, many lies were told on that stage last night, yet the entire MSM spectrum was only concerned with “who won?” Ed schultz was waxing poetic about Rick Perry and used that to take a not so subtle dig at the President. Coward Fineman claimed that Perry’s comment about PBO being an “abject liar” resonated with the American people (Speak for yourself Mr. Fineman). That’s the BS the media engages in when it comes to the Repblicans. No wonder they sound like clowns on that stage- because they have been relying on the MSM to carry their water all along and couldn’t care less about the facts, history, or realities of what is going on in this country.

        Tonight, the MSM will be bogged down with “fact-checking” the President’s speech.

    September 8, 2011 at 8:25 am


  5. September 8, 2011 at 8:28 am

    Since it was announced that President Obama would be in Richmond, Va. Friday to take his job proposals directly to the American people, the first of many such events planned, Eric Cantor has now announced that he will be hosting his own jobs event in Richmond on Friday. These Repubs are just stalkers of this president, no ideas of their own.

    • 26 Ladyhawke
      September 8, 2011 at 8:43 am

      Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

      The Republican Party has nothing to offer the American people. They have no original or creative ideas so they have to resort to copying President Obama.

      I think the Republicans are really getting nervous about the speech tonight and the fact that President Obama will be taking his case directly to the American people.

      • 27 utaustinliberal
        September 8, 2011 at 9:09 am

        Hahaha. Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery but Cantor and Romney’s stalking of PBO is very disturibing. They’re like the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz who didn’t have a brain. They have no ideas, lack substance and are virtually ineffective. So what do they do? They copy PBO and do a very bad job. POTUS will get wall to wall coverage from the local Virginia news and people will turn out for his jobs event. Cantor will be a non-event. It’ funny to see them all getting nervous. They know that PBO is top-notch when he connects with the American people. Sucks to be them.

    • September 8, 2011 at 8:52 am

      they want to give the appearance of doing something while rejecting all of his ideas.

      • 29 Ladyhawke
        September 8, 2011 at 9:09 am

        Exactly, they have had the majority in the House of Representatives for almost nine months and did not introduce one jobs bill. Now, suddenly they feel it is necessary to have a jobs event because President Obama has scheduled one?? Spare me.

        Meanwhile, President Obama has been giving speeches, doing jobs events, a rural economic bus tour, many town halls, visiting lots different plants, meeting with his Jobs Council, and creating public/private partnerships to help job creation.

        Sorry Eric you can’t fool us with your johnny-come-lately jobs event. You can copy all you want but President Obama is the real deal. He leads and all you guys can do is follow. You have no original or creative ideas of your own. On top of that, you are morally bankrupt.

    • 30 Uche
      September 8, 2011 at 9:10 am

      How nice of Eric!!….the same dolt who has refused to do a town-hall this summer, suddenly discovers the need to meet his constituents because PBO will be in town. And they just don’t learn….PBO’s crowd is going to be contrasted with the few idiots who feel the need to listen to him now. Don’t they have good enough Dems in his district who can mount a firm challenge on him in 2012?

  6. September 8, 2011 at 8:57 am

    Good morning, wonderful people. So Pres O is calling his plan the American Jobs Act. I like it. Can’t wait for his speech.

  7. 35 sly
    September 8, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    Im laughing soo hard my ribs LOL!!! i especially like the kids part they cant be serious?! I dont know anyone with that many kids, it can’t be healthy.

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